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A lot of people want to conquer the world. Conquering the world is hard though, the world is pretty big. Most people can’t even handle maintaining their household. People hire maids to clean their place even though they’re worried one might be stealing and are pretty sure a friend is having sex with her while she’s on the clock. The household’s daughter never listens and sneaks out. The three year old often wets the bed. Now imagine your house the size of Rhode Island. How many maids would be having sex in your bed? How would you keep track of your 80 daughters? How do you potty train 15 toddlers at the same time?

Teachers have realized these issues and have decided the most prudent choice isn’t to conquer the world, but to create their own little one. Thus the Republic of Teacher was born.

The republics generally follow a feudal model. Teachers are given a small space where 12-30 students are rotated through a teacher’s territory. The rotation is very strictly monitored to prevent conflicts between teachers due to the hoarding of students. Principals divide up the space between teachers and provide a neutral lounge for the teachers to meet, discuss events, and talk about other teachers behind their backs. A United Nations if you will.

The earliest records of the Republic of Teacher date back to Ancient Greece. During this time the Spartan and Athenian classrooms were established. In Sparta, the Republic of Teacher traded with the locals by offering them military training for a great deal of butt.

Regrettably, the Republic of Teacher in Athens did not have such practical skills.

The teachers would not be discouraged by their lack of real world skills and instead criticized real “education,” claiming you can’t “teach” someone anything. Everyone already knews everything, they just need to remember. It totally blew people’s minds. Of course, you could only remember if you were born with a certain kind of soul and this soul also happened to acknowledge Socrates was the best teacher ever! Only he wasn’t actually a teacher since teaching didn’t “exist.” As you can imagine, this was about when college students started smoking weed in mass quanities.

The Republic of Teacher didn’t experience much change until the Renaissance when the Republic first started to split into factions and fought amongst itself. Before, everything was philosophy or a trade skill. Philosophy was no longer “good enough” for some teachers. Lecturing about dialogue was too simple, lecturing about collaboration was also necessary! Thus the Dictatorship of Science was born!

The two factions came to tolerate each other uneasily in their school-states. Although scrimmages would occur between the two, both acknowledged the real world was the true threat. Shortly after the Dictatorship, many teachers got sick of science and philosophy and thus the Community of English and the Arts was born. This “Community” scorned logic and reason for creativity. Granted, creativity could only be taught through strict guidelines that required years in a classroom. You can only look outside the box if you’ve sat in the box for 12 years after all.

Today, these three government factions pretty much describe most school-states, expect for the Oligarchy of Snootiness, a school focused merely on being better than everyone else because you had enough money for the “Snooty” school.

Some of the tactics used by schools to break the students follow.

PowerPoint: The only things teachers hate more than the real world are inspiring leaders. When someone in the real world starts trying to bring about change, the students tend to ask questions about that person and teachers aren’t deemed nearly as cool as they used to be. That’s why Power Point was created.

People love technology and tend to think technology makes everything better. It doesn’t. Even worse, PowerPoint is super easy to use so everyone thinks they’re super awesome because they’ve put a bunch of clip art into a slideshow.

Every minute spent on PowerPoint is actually time spent not working on the speech. Furthermore, every minute working on PowerPoint is time spent not actually speaking with people! A perfect recipe for handicapping any “student” from actually becoming famous. Because the only thing worse than someone being more successful than you, is that someone being a former student. Plato never forgave Aristotle.

Did Martin Luther King Jr., President Obama, or Hitler ever use PowerPoint to inspire a crowd? Heck no, the crowd is supposed to get behind a person or ideal, not your text zooming across a screen!

Idol Worship: Although teachers hate sharing their fame, they’re still willing to worship someone else. This is called being an expert. Some philosophy teachers love Nietzsche and others hate him. Some Preachers love Jesus and others think he was a lobster man trying to spread the message of Atlantis. Regardless of hate or love, this passion allows them to lecture for a week straight on why someone is awesome or not.

Worst of all, all English teachers like Shakespeare. Why is this the worst? Shakespeare wrote for the populace! Imagine if 100 years from now the pathetic movie producers from our era started getting forced down our throats. Our great grandchildren may have to write a biography on Michael Bay. Geeze… I do not look forward to helping my kids rewrite a paragraph about how his special effects symbolize man overcoming his limitations. I’m definitely having second thoughts about getting a robot body.

Alumni Associations: They’re kind of like support groups for people who survived their educational ordeal. Only no one is willing to admit what horrible things happened. You’re in denial, people. It’s time to admit what happened and let the healing start.

Gym: Nothing like a 40 year old man fresh from a divorce and filled with rage teaching a class filled with teenage girls in shorts. Actually, that sentence alone made my point.

Class Requirements: Being forced to build your schedule around a list of requirements is a little ironic. You need 4 years of gym to graduate. Which translates into having to take gym for four years. If you try to take all your gym classes in one semester, your peers will begin to notice you never shower in the locker room or spread a rumor you like watching other men shower. But when someone picks on you on the bus for wearing gym shirts (as that’s the only thing you wear), you’ll kick their ass without a problem because you spend the entire day working out.

In college you have a little more freedom. Though I had to take 3 Christian themed classes at my Jesuit college for over $3000 a piece. So that freedom comes at a heavy price. And the freedom is really deciding between a philosophy major and some other useless degree and taking one or two classes that might look interesting but are taught by an asshole.