Rum Beard, the Pirate Saint.

Rum Beard, the Pirate Saint

Rum Beard was canonized after defeating the Loch Ness monster and a giant squid with just a single cannon ball and his bare fists. Rum Beard is considered the first successful pirate of the open seas.

With only a modest start, Rum Beard began pirating at the age of 6 when he successfully boarded a neighboring desk in school and stole the owner’s booty of several pieces of candy. Quickly realizing pirating was easier than waiting for his allowance, Rum Beard terrorized the schoolyard. Elementary school legend still speaks of his stash buried under the slide containing more candy and toys than thought possible. Some whisper of a vintage dirty magazine within the stash as well.

After proving he knew no fear by taking all the soda within the principal’s mini-fridge, Rum Beard decided he had picked the school clean and sought greater challenge and wealth.

Rum Beard took to the seas at 12, but quickly grew bored of long voyages looking for ships. Those ships he did find had a lot of stupid stuff like grain. What was he going to do with grain? Longing for the simple days of elementary school robbery, Rum Beard began the sexy pirate trend and took on crew of barely clothed women and never left the docks. Instead, waiting for ships to come to him. Crews the world round came seeking their own booty and though they often left with less than they had started with. Most didn’t complain.

Like in the days of his youth, Rum Beard realized there was a huge gap between most of the people he robbed and those with power like his former principal. Rum Beard invaded the royal palaces across many nations and created what is now known as a Easter tradition. Rum Beard locked royalty in tiny egglike capsules and would bury them until the ransom was paid. The nobles were so thankful for their release they started putting candy in eggs so others would hunt down these candy filled treasures and maybe save a noble in the process.

Rum Beard is also the first pirate to ever build a ship out of bones. Sure, it couldn’t take a cannon ball for crap and most of the shipwrights died from infectious disease building it, but he did it. It was sunk roughly two weeks after it was built and most of the crew drowned about an hour out of the harbor.

Finally, Rum Beard is considered most famous for making the world round. Sick of the edge of the world taking so long to reach him, he attached hooks to the rim of the planet and tugged all the sides together, creating the circular planet we have today. It is said Rum Beard stores all his treasure at the center of the earth, where it is guarded by mole-men such as John Hodgman.

Rum Beard currently teaches an online pirating class.


Rumblade is said to only burn those with impure hearts or if they’re drunk.