Retirement Home for the Gods
By MaximumTacolord
Edited By Jimmy McCarthy

Are your deities shadows of their former selves? Do wannabe philosophers cry Mercury is dead simply because his age prevents him from delivering messages across the cosmos in under an hour? Are the members of your pantheon always losing their keys but still scare the crap out of you with their ability to transform you into a beast and burn everything you love?

Then Divinity Manor is for you!

Located in one of the most inaccessible parts of New Jersey (the traffic is terrible!), Divinity Manor offers the best excuse to never make a pilgrimage to your retired god while still preventing that god’s wrath from building due to inattention!

Does your god have a constant need to test mortals for obscure abilities? Then visit our sword garden, where we have hundreds of weapons just waiting to be pulled by the chosen one, fated to save or kill a people! Every Thursday, fourth graders from Jersey Elementary visit the garden and try their luck at wielding Mjöllnir. Is your little one the next slayer of giants, destined to battle Loki in the end of days? Find out and volunteer today! Just be sure to return your weapon to the Lifeguard of the Pool before your death or suffer a curse upon your next of kin!

Moral standings are important to many divinities, but ensuring your temple is visited by champions of the proper sexual history is quite a chore. So for the goddesses we run a Magic the Gathering tournament every Wednesday with fantastic prizes. What better way to lure out the virgins? Maybe your goddess could grace one with a kiss; wouldn’t that be a fine trophy for a champion? For the male gods, we run career fairs once a month, because corporate sellouts have probably done just about everything, just like Zeus!

Aren’t the rituals such a pain in the ass (especially the orgies)? Don’t worry, at Divinity Manor we take care of all that for you (and none of our nurses are over 30, wink). Every weekend the community playhouse performs all sorts of hymns, chants, plays, and ritualistic sacrifices. No more worrying about getting goat’s blood out of the carpet! What a relief! Let the local band of merry bards and drama majors appease your god with epic tales of journeys in their name!

Just because your god doesn’t have Great in front of their “Old Ones’” title, doesn’t mean they still can’t bring upon you unimaginable horrors and the end of times! So order a brochure today, it’s free!

Also, we have a Wii. Hear what our resident’s have to say about Wii Bowling!

“Foul doppelganger of pins, I shall smite you with the mighty nunchuck, Wiijollnir.” – Thor
“I’ve impregnated a woman as a golden ray of light, I can do the same to a pin as a massive ball!” – Zeus
“Fuck, I hit the T.V. again!” – Nurse Sheri