World Hopes to Break Michael Cera’s Heart

World Hopes to Break Michael Cera’s Heart
By MaximumTacolord

Michael Cera of Super Bad, Arrested Development, and Juno fame, has delighted audiences around the world with his awkward antics and shattered heart. So much, that everyone hopes to one day break his heart.

Hollywood has always been full of sexy badboys and bombshells with no talents outside of great legs. But the niche of harmless man-boys you just want to see crushed has been revealed as startlingly empty.

“There’s just something about Michael,” said Susan of Boston, “You see him and you aren’t like, ‘Great, here comes some douche trying to get into my pants.’ It’s more of an ‘Oh, he’s trying so hard. I’ll try to let him down gently.’ But I still want to make him cry, if only a little.”

Even men find him harmless as he shuffles next to girlfriends, hands in his pockets, looking at his shoes. “That’s a guy who isn’t screwing your girlfriend in the bathroom while you move your car, which is a huge problem these days. I won’t even risk an NBA or golf game anymore,” said Tom Hanks.

With Michael’s rise to fame, it has opened a flood gate of awkward young stars and other modern Radars (of the hit TV show, M*A*S*H) who’ll never see the inside of your mom, like Christopher Charles Mintz-Plasse.

“These boys are so cute and sweet,” said your mom,  “I’m sure they’ve seen their share of internet porn, but at least they haven’t been inviting the porn stars to their homes while snorting kittens off their thighs. It’s refreshing to know that Hollywood hasn’t completely destroyed the youth of the nation. Unlike that asshole George Lucas, do you realize he’s still making movies?”

When asked what Michael has planned for the future he has this to say, “Well, you know. Trying to stay active. I’ll probably do a few more movies about an awkward youth then I’ll get into movies as an awkward college student or entry level hire. It’ll be fun.”

Michael Cera

His tears probably taste like candy.