The Essence of Unemployment
By MaximumTacolord
Edited By Jimmy McCarthy
When graduation came about, Richard was filled with hope and ambition. He thought he was escaping the oppressive world of higher education to enter the oppressive world of paid labor. Finally, his student loans would be paid off. At last, he wouldn’t have to eat peanut butter sandwiches three times a days. Tragically, those dreams are dead as Richard enters his 1.5 year anniversary of graduating from college, still unemployed.
“I’m not sure what the essence of my unemployment is: do I ponder the meaning of every question on an application too heavily? Are employers aware that I’m inauthentic when wearing a suit only for interviews? Or has my philosophy degree been a total waste of time and utter bullshit?” Meyer said.
“My resume says I’ve pursued the meaning of life for the last 5 years,” Meyer said. “Apparently that isn’t nearly as important as three years of administrative duties. Wow, I’ve put a file in a drawer and answered a phone for most of my life; I am obviously a value to society! Turns out, they are! No wonder school levies keep getting voted down; there is no value in education!”
A common practice in writing is to find authoritative sources and reference their work to make an argument stronger. Employers seek the same thing, so Meyer gathered references from several legendary gurus.
“The problem is, cell phones don’t get reception on mountaintops and hermits only write letters of recommendation in riddles defacing economic gain,” Meyer said. “The absurdity of life can’t be any clearer than a roofer holding more sway over my employment than the three wisest men in Asia!”
“There is a proverb that states, ‘The happy man does what he loves for free instead of what he hates for pay,” Meyer said. “Oh yea, I’m so happy, living with my parents and being too poor to buy a next generation console. It also turns out working for free blows just as much as being paid; volunteer positions still require you to pay for transport and other expenses. Only now you’re doing the work the real employees don’t want to do while you still have bosses.”
“Whoever said ‘it is better to be Socrates miserable than a content cow’ didn’t realize cows don’t have to pay rent or student loans,” Meyer said. “My forbearance is running out and the only answer these ancients can give me is hemlock or living in a barrel. Fuck you philosophy teachers. Pursuing knowledge from an ivory tower isn’t noble; you’re just sacrificing the rest of us to keep your jobs. You’re monsters.”
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