Rachel Ray Endorsement Proves Frighteningly Important
By MaximumTacolord
NEWS ANCHOR
In politics, a recent Rachel Ray Endorsement for Tom Alberkerky, a handyman,
Show image of a common looking man in prompt.
made during the “Rachel Ray Show,” was followed by a staggering movement to elect Mr. Alberkerky for multiple offices, including the governor of California, Florida, and Secretary of Education. Perhaps the most stunning of all is the fact that Mr. Alberkerky has shown no interest in politics. Despite his lack of preparation for any office whatsoever, Rachel Ray had this to say about his candidacy.
Cut to a graphic showing Rachel Ray’s quote as the anchor reads it.
Mr. A has been great to me. Not only did he remodel the marble countertops in my kitchen, but he did it on time and under budget! If politicians were half as honest as this guy, there’d be world peace and a puppy in every home! Come on people; let’s get this handyman into office!
Return to Anchor.
ANCHOR
As Alberkerky fever sweeps the nation, some individuals are expressing concern.
A video of an interview appears. The interview takes place at a meat packing plant or some other area that could be associated with the FDA, under the individual being interviewed a caption reads, “Fred Craft, Meat Inspector”
FRED CRAFT
I’ll agree, Alberkerky would make a great congressman! But he is hardly qualified to become Dictator for Life over the FDA. For one, the position hasn’t existed since the days of Rome and secondly, he’s only taken two years of college with a focus on theater. I don’t think he’s prepared to make sure our nation’s meat is safe for consumption.
Switch to an interview of a senator, in his office or a state building’s hallway.
SENATOR
At the first commercial break after Rachel Ray gave the endorsement, I immediately volunteered to work on Alberkerky’s campaign for mayor of Houston. Now people are taking politics into their own hands and starting to assassinate politicians unwilling to step down from office to make room for Alberkerky’s run. I’ve had three people try to kill me since lunch, even your cameraman took a swing at me! Alberkerky’s going to need public servants! He can’t delegate all his labor to Mexican laborers like he did with Ray’s kitchen!
Enter a mob of angry people carrying burning torches, signs condemning the senator, and assault rifles.
MEMBER OF THE MOB
There’s the road block to utopia! Get him!
The senator ducks as bottles are thrown at him and guns begin to fire.
SENATOR
See what I mean! These are just our interns and security personnel! I have to get out of here!
Switch to a political philosopher, John Rousseau, in an office.
JOHN ROUSSEAU
The American public has become apathetic towards the lack of willpower of current politicians. Not one has been able to fly, fire lasers from their eyes, or solve the world’s problems with a sweep of their hand. “Where’s the Dr. Dooms and Andrew Jacksons of the past?” cries the public. But Rachel Ray’s recommendation has shown the people a pillar of the community, someone who can build a pillar. It’s given everyone a feeling of hope, a sense of leadership. In fact…
The philosopher is cutoff and the video feed returns to the anchor.
ANCHOR
This just in, Tony Danza has just given great praise to a fry cook, Philip Onsted, at Burger King, effectively destroying Alberkerky’s political career and beginning a wave of Onsted support for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
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