Girlfriend’s Zombie Apathy May Ruin Relationship
By MaximumTacolord

Thinking to the zombie ruled future, Derrick has forced girlfriend, Cindy, to either prepare for the undead apocalypse or return to online dating.

When the relationship began, Derrick noticed the warning signs of zombie apathy, a condition where people show no concern for zombies, but held off criticisms in hope of reaching third base.

“Upon seeing her apartment, the lack of travel bag stocked with food and machetes for a quick retreat into the country during the zombie uprising was clear,” Derrick said. “What if the apartment complex was overrun by zombies? What was she going to do, ask for a time out on the brain eating so she could make sandwiches before fleeing towards the nearest safe haven? I don’t think so, these aren’t vampires. Zombies don’t keep day planners, they don’t make appointments. You’re lucky if they even knock before entering the bathroom! Still, I couldn’t end the relationship there. For all I know, she could have been a kendo master and I haven’t made out with anyone in weeks!”

Cindy, who began her relationship with Derrick four weeks ago, admits to her lack of preparation because she claims “Zombies aren’t real.” Meanwhile, Derrick examines his front yard for zombie droppings daily.

“Zombie poop is similar to a solid vomit, with chunks of decaying human matter (comprised of victims and the zombie itself) or so I assume, I haven’t compared wild zombie droppings with one held in captivity,” Derrick said. “Also, the droppings rarely coil since the zombie is nomadic in nature.”

As the relationship progressed, Derrick began noticing an increased lack of awareness in her personal safety. “She doesn’t have a panic room, lacks the leg strength to crush a human skull with her foot, has never practiced breaking in doors should she be forced to scavenge through the remains of our divested society, and worst of all, liked the remake of the movie ‘Dawn of the Dead’ more than the original,” Derrick commented. “I mean seriously, Hollywood magic can’t trump the work of a master. A laser printer may produce better pictures than Van Gogh, but a printer can’t touch your soul!” Derrick added.

“The original ‘Dawn of the Dead’ was freakin’ boring,” Cindy said of the zombie classic by George A. Romero.

Derrick’s attempts to improve Cindy’s survival literacy have, for the most part, failed. Cindy has refused to replace her pepper spray with a medieval flail, exchange her liquor for gasoline to produce a better Molotov, or play Super Nintendo’s “Zombies Ate My Neighbors.”

“People’s love of ‘Zombies Ate My Neighbors’ is largely nostalgic which makes any attempt at a review biased,” Cindy said when refuting Derrick’s claim that “Zombies Ate My Neighbors” could eat “Dead Rising’s” laser encoded ass any day of the week.

“I’m at the point where I have to draw the line,” Derrick said. “I mean, when the zombies come, I can’t be dragged down by an out of shape English major with no stocked food or munitions. If she doesn’t take the undead scourge more seriously or put out, I’m going to have to look for a female more likely (and willing) to survive long enough to repopulate the human race with.”