Heroes Fall to Potion Addiction
By MaximumTacolord
Of all the ancient tales of dragon slaying and hot maiden action, rarely do we see what accompanies their great deeds, the potions. Who hasn’t witnessed a wandering hero walk into town, with a belt or travel bag filled with red and blue vials?
“I remember when ‘The Goblin Chewer’ wandered through town. After selling several bags filled with magical weapons and gems he asked everyone if they wanted to hire his services. He even walked into people’s houses unannounced. Just opened their doors and asked if anyone needed a fighter. After every job, he’d go straight to the vender and stuff as many healing potions into his bag as he could,” said a local NPC.
Tragically, a potion, or “pot,” is rarely enough for most heroes.
“Most heroes start off drinking normal or lesser potions. But it doesn’t take long until they need stronger stuff. First they want greater healing potions, then superior and super healing potions. Eventually they start going out to gather demon blood and pixie dust to discolor it for gods knows what purpose,” said one merchant. “But what can I do? No one every buys the swords or armor I have in stock. I have to feed my children somehow!”
“We know potions are wrong, but what choice do we have,” said an anonymous elf princess. “Hordes of monsters are always trying to kidnap attractive female royalty. It isn’t like we have the money to fund an army, so a single hero hopped up on pots is the next best thing!”
“I didn’t want to admit my addiction,” a mighty sorcerer said. “I cleansed an entire country of evil; I only had to drink 1,500 potions in the process. I was righteous, not addicted! Eventually, I crossed rifts into other worlds until I ran out of foes to fight. So I started picking fights in taverns or at brothels. I even got in a row with a guy that didn’t tip 15%. I didn’t care that the serving wench had seven kids to feed, I wanted the feel of that sucker punch on my face so I could drink another healing potion.”
“You have no idea what it’s like,” said the Unspeakable Terror from Beyond. “There I am, plotting in my underground lair, when my underlings tell me some crazy guy is ripping apart my house. He’s smashing every vase and chest in sight after ruining my lawn by cutting all the plants down, mind you. So I send some of the new guys to ask him to leave. But he kills them all and starts pulling off all their clothing! Defiling their corpses in the very room I taught my children to laugh manically. So I have my more experienced servants wait for him on the next level and he kills them too! Eventually he busts down the door to my private bathroom where I’m trying to wash up and starts beating me with a club I gave to my cousin on his wedding day! Do you know how much I paid for that thing?!” I tried to fight back, but every time I hit him, he’d drink a potion. I got so exhausted I had to fake my own death and move!”
Sadly, tales like this are far too common. They aren’t even tales rather, merely a chapter, an “act” if you will, in an never ending series of adventures. How long will these addictions go untreated and why does everyone involved look the other way when our most exalted heroes, pull out the stopper to “drink to their health.”
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