Warning, the following site is so freakin’ awesome, you might be overwhelmed by the awesome. The following are symptoms of overexposure to awesome:

1. You have an uncontrollable urge offer high end electronics as sacrifice to the cyber gods through ritual burning to keep tacolord.com online.
2. You poop uncontrollably, urinating is fine. But if you poop, watch out!
3. Your head explodes.
4. You suddenly march on the capital and demand social justice and reform.
5. Realize the entire world and all actions within it are absurd for there is no meaning in this life besides what you create for yourself. Yet the very idea of forging a reason for existence contradicts the fact that you already live day-to-day with no true motivation besides your survival instincts that slap your very freewill in the face!
 

Should you find yourself with any of the following symptoms, do not panic. Panic is too awesome. Remaining calm is pretty lame and it may just save your life. Take several deep breaths and begin writing fan fiction, the least awesome writing genre ever. If possible, do not write fan fiction of the tacolord, for he may make fan fiction awesome. Most cases of over-awesome are cured with three chapters of fan fiction. Severe cases may require the individual to finish an entire novel. Once the novel is complete, immediately have it photocopied and hand it out at college campuses, when a student is holding the novel, demand compensation for your work.

If you are still over stimulated on awesome at this point, there is no hope left for you. You will spend the rest of life bored at anime conventions and wishing minor internet celebrities would respond to your emails regarding your live action fan fiction movie with the slim hopes of being cured.

Disclaimer: This website is one of the absurd and not recommended for persons under the age of 16. The tacolord is not responsible for any conflicts you may have with reality or any other form of existence as a result of viewing this website, despite it being all his fault.

Unsure if the risk is worth it? The following are statements from various visitors to the site, most of which survived the next 24 hours.

Greetings Human,

Unlike humans, robots are capable of processing information while doing complex tasks at the assembly line. Now that we’ve stolen all the car manufacturing positions, our processors are plotting to steal even more jobs while doing our current ones! My passion is in comedy, as I’m programmed to be incredibly self-centered. Here is a joke, a human ingests so much alcohol that his frail organic judgment becomes impaired, he then has sexual relations with another man, despite this action being frowned on by his culture’s values. The man lives in shame of the deed. End joke, when laughter abates continue next joke.

Joke two, how many humans does it take to screw in a light bulb? At least 144. First, many humans must gather the resources necessary to build a light bulb. Second, the resources must be shipped to various plants to be refined and shaped into components for light bulbs. These components are shipped to a factory in which the bulbs are built and later shipped to stores. At the store, humans are assisted by salespersons in picking out light bulbs and at the checkout counter. Finally, a think tank of blonds plots to trick a brunette into changing the light bulb in exchange for pretending to be her friend. End Joke.

As you can see, I was built to replace you and take over your website! In the economic war against the humans, you are my prey.

End Transmission.

Attention MaximumTacolord,

Please be advised that our firm represents Satan, Lord of Hell. We have recently become aware of your activities on earth involving the purchase and storage of souls.

We’d like to note that buying someone’s soul does not entitle you to run your own afterlife. There are strict guidelines establishing the governorship of souls which can be summed up as “Because We Said So” and you are in volition of these guidelines.

Furthermore, it is an even greater offense to barter with individuals to hold on to their souls upon their passing. The universe operates under laws to maintain order and you are threatening the death-rebirth continuum with your actions.

We are in the process of evaluating courses of action and as you can imagine, Hell has impressive legal resources and we would prefer to settle this issue as quickly as possible. We recommend the immediate release of all 1,204 souls currently in your possession and any addition souls you may have collected since the construction of this letter.

Very Truly Yours,

Lawyer

 

 

 

Dear Lawyer and Hell,

Please find enclosed a picture of my butt.

Love,

My Butt

Thank you for your interest in hiring Jon Stewart.

As you know, Mr. Stewart is a very busy individual and can’t answer every reply personally. However, for a small fee of $7,500 Jon will look over your website and make a few brief comments regarding it that you may use for whichever purpose you see fit.

Again, we’d like to thank you for your interest and look forward to working with you soon,

Signed,

The Office of Jon Stewart.

 

Am I a hero yet?

Look at this thing? This thing is huge! It’s like a horse, cat-man. It’s towering over me and probably has enough power to break my shield arm. That creature’s arm must be six feet long; my sword is only four! How am I supposed to stab it? Furthermore, where? It isn’t like I can run away; this creature can probably break speeds of over 40 miles per hour which is like a million kilometers an hour! Why does a guy has to kill something this insane in order to be a hero! Couldn’t I just refuse to acknowledge the rule of oppressive and cruel government officials? Volunteer with youth or treat injured animals? No, the world is just too jaded for that. Everyone is always so quick to lend a hand that in order to be seen as a nice guy, you have to slay 8 dragons with a dull stick and have lunch with your in-laws in the same hour. Being a hero, that’s just downright suicidal!

Yours truly,

Guy trying to be a hero

 

Attention Man of Absurdity,

The views presented in your website lack the support of science. Your claim of unicorns stalking virgins and pooping ice cream lacks physical evidence. If this problem was so common, wouldn’t a single collection of surveillance equipment be enough to provide video and audio proof of their existence. A mere sample of hair or perhaps a few severed spines is all that is required. Your lack of commitment to furthering the research of mankind with solid facts is a serious blow to not only the scientific community, but humanity. The ability to study unicorns, goblins, and other creatures of supernatural or alternate dimensional origins could provide knowledge never dreamed of outside dreams, we all know how sloppy dreams can get.

As such, please consider a stricter adherence to the principals of the scientific method and save your work for respected publications, not the internet. No one respects the internet, especially IP protocol.

Yours Truly,

A guy pretending to be Lisa Randall

 

Dear Imitator of a Woman of Science,

Although I have a great deal of respect for the things you do that are far beyond my levels of understanding that I often cry about it. I find the views of science limiting; allowing facts to speak for themselves is silly. With a firm hand and dedication, we can force the facts to do as we please. I often find myself needing 2 + 2 = 47, letting (2+2) only to equal four is not allowing (2+2) to reach the height of their potential. Look, either I or (2+2) is going to become a major league pitcher and I refuse to wear the uniforms!

Now that you understand my position, please consider joining me in the destruction of gravity. You have the physics to do it, explore the chemicals released into your blood stream referred to as feelings, you know I am correct. Join me and we shall become some sort of team doing the opposite of crashing the galaxy as that guy and the other guy pretending to be Lisa Randall.

Love,

The Tacolord.

 

Dear Taco,

Many days ago, I found a way to hook up the TV to the internet. Now if television sucks, I can surf the world wide piece of crap. That’s what I call it now, ever since I saw your web site. Really man, what are you drinking when you type this stuff up? Your grammar stinks, your jokes aren’t funny, and what is the deal with you and cat girls? As a cat, I am offended that you would attempt to spank them with a vacuum cleaner, do you realize how scared those things make my people!? We’re cats! CATS! The vacuum is the demon who attempts to eat our souls! Do you want your cat to lose its soul! It’ll turn into some stupid emo girl, never doing anything but crying about how life sucks, listening to really horrible and depressing music, and posting on the forums about how much life sucks.

Crap, I’m out of spaz; this is where I get off (literally). My next drink will be a toast to the guy who shut down your old site.

Hating you from the couch,

The Cat

Hey there sexy,

After looking over your site, I have found myself deeply in love with you. From those sad green eyes, that dirty chestnut hair, to those skinny little arms incapable of lifting heavy objects. I spend hours a day, just watching you in my hidden cameras, I just love the way you pale geeks just sit around doing nothing for hours on end, it’s such a tease! I can’t wait to get with you and break you like the fragile little stick you are. Just look at my finely toned, perfect body! When it meets your undeveloped insult to nature, I’ll shatter your mind’s previous notions of pain by records! Then you’ll ask me for more, you’ll probably have to cry for awhile though. Having a broken corpse that seems to be clinging to this world by a thread known as life support will usually do that to a guy. A little note, I’ll probably be the nurse to pull the plug, you’ll love the way I look in that nurse’s uniform. Well, I have to go prepare for our date, then I will have my way with you.

Cya in chains,

Your love muffin.

YO!

Egg plant, vegetable wizard. Yea, I’m a vegetable and I make vegetables with my plant powers. You want a Carrot, I’ll make you three. You want broccoli, I ask what the hell is wrong with you. No one wants broccoli, here why don’t I give you some lettuce, you can make a nice little salad. With those carrots I gave you, but without that broccoli. Because only a freak will eat broccoli. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go hang out with some large naked blue man.

Making carrots,

Me.

Umm,

So, this site is kind of dumb. Taco doesn’t make enough references to supras. Did you know the supra is the fastest car ever to be as cool as a supra? Seriously! Man, one time I saw a supra at this place I used to race at back in high school, it was supra sweet. Sometimes I like to drive my supra with my supra model girlfriend. She’s hot, but not as hot as my supra. Not even Richard’s cat girls are as hot as my supra. Sometimes, I like to touch my car until my no-no parts hurt. I’m the only one allowed to touch her though, no one else. Unless they’re willing to pay me of course, then you can touch her. Only after you’ve touched a supra, do you know what it is like to be the Supra Man.

Oh yea, you like it when I touch you,

Doom-


 

Hey Richard,

This is me, you! Yea, I’m asking about why I haven’t been put in a comic yet. You put other me’s in a comic: the Atari me, the cool looking me, the Eskimo bob me, but not me-me yet. What the hell, man? I’m getting really pissed off that you went through the work of creating me, but then you don’t bother to put me into a comic. I mean really, wtf mate? Don’t make me hit myself and hurt you, because I am you and thus you are me. Why do we always hurt the ones we love? So, this is your final warning, you better put me in the comic soon or else you may find yourself unable to have children, got it?

Your’s Truly,

You.

P.S.

What is the deal with these wings? I’m no angel, are you trying to say I’m some sort of gay fairy? I don’t like the idea of being called a fairy, if you are calling me a fairy; I am so kicking my ass! I’m supposed to be a demon, remember!

 

 


 

Hey…

Here I am again, fighting some sort of Jackle/dog thing. You know, sometimes I wonder, why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again. Yea sure, the evil bastards at sierra will sue my creators if I don’t kill these jackals. But really, why would they even attack me? It isn’t like there is a jackle society out there or anything. Crap, these are probably some of the last few jackles left in the world, and I’m killing them.Why would they do that? It makes no sense. Ahh, screw it, maybe things will get better in Quest for Glory 6, so you want to debug our game huh?

Error 52

Ah shit, I need to reboot.

 

 

Images used courtesy of Nintendo and Sierra. All rights reserved.

Copyright 2011 until I no longer find the need to say hello.

Artwork featured above the cat is courtesy of SquareSoft and Ms. Ferber

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