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Peaches and Cream

Perhaps the greatest mystery to plague mankind since “where did the other sock go?” is the term peaches and cream. Why are peaches, our furry little fruit, forever with its companion, cream, the very bane of topping society? I could not accept the answers given to me, which were none. So I busted out the net and went to find them myself.

First off, what’s the deal with all the porn it brings up? I realize I’ve fallen out of the loop lately, but I assume women still scream about God still. Granted, some people just call him Jehovah or at least mention his kid, which sounds like some sort of trailer park soap opera. Imagine a woman screaming out the names of an entire family during sex. Any family! That’s beyond Freudian…

Dying for our sins, super human powers that defy the laws of physics, looks awesome if he doesn’t shave for a few weeks. Also, he’s into crucifixion, I have a panic attack if a girl handcuffs me to the bed. It’s really hard for a Buddhist to get a girl these day.

Personally, I’m more of a Darwin screamer myself. Occasionally, I’ll mention Scott Pilgrim.

I mean come on, Darwin discovered that nature has that whole evolving thing, if it wasn’t for him we wouldn’t have Pokémon! That and he looks like Saint Nick, think of all the loot! I’m feeling kind of horny just thinking about Santa. Chicks also dig old guys with cash, I can’t explain it, another mystery I have no answer for.

The theory of evolution in a nutshell. Basically, we beat the hell out of everything until we’re able to reach a higher level. This process can be accelerated by exposing ourselves to radiation, friendship, or some other object to create super powers (like a radioactive spider).

So without any further a-do let us begin.

First off, we know about the peaches. They seem to go with everything: pizza, toast, and cream! It’s the uber fruit! Only a filthy Orc wouldn’t like peaches! Second, Peaches N’ Cream seems to be a way to make one more attractive. This is based on my findings from the “Peaches and Cream Beauty Centre & Spa”

I’ve never even been to this place, that is how amazing it is. Just looking at their banner alone made me poop someone else’s pants! They have EVERYTHING to make me one of the shallow, pretty people. From skin to hair care. Let’s show some of the demos of their products!

Wow this is hard work, isn’t it? I bet you’re drained, so let’s take a break and look at Folk/Goth singer Voltaire. The picture used to be of “Kittie,” but I got tired of their angry brooding. Who do you think you are, the queen of blades?

He sure looks a lot less Goth and a lot more 18th century in his picture. I guess he hit the Peach Spa before taking it, that place really takes the years off.

Southern clothing at its best, bringing little kids the threads they need to get picked on at school. Featuring all the great names no one has ever heard of, kind of like the stuff I used to wear as a kid. Seriously, what is a “Chicken Noodle?” Another thing, why would I want to wear one? As if I didn’t look skinny enough, now you’re putting noodles on me. I bet they aren’t even the A-#1 Korean noodles we’ve all grown to love. This site just gives Peaches’N Cream a bad name, to think how much effort the porno people put out (hahaha, get it, put out) to build up the name (hehehe, build up).

Finally peaches’n cream seems to be a method of inspiration! This German band is completely unknown to me. On account of their site being in German and I have never heard a single song. But this should not be a deterrent for you to check it out! I’m sure they’re no Voltaire, which means they don’t have the brave story of overcoming their Goth with Peach Salon products!

Well, we didn’t answer why peaches hang out with cream. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Whatever the reason, these guys will never be torn apart. Even in the darkest days they will stick it out and somehow manage to keep things together. Unless cream decides to start dating, nothing can break up a 1000 year old friendship faster than a chick.

I MISS YOU DOOM!