Baby Cannon

As man’s knuckles gradually began to lose hair, woman’s vagina grew in size and power. Originally, the vagina, or baby cannon, was nothing more than a defense mechanism to avert predators. When a female became startled or felt threatened, she’d fall down a fire a baby. A tactic often used to thwart slashers such a Jason Voorhees.

However, as men and women began living in larger communal settings, women adjusted this “baby” from a projectile into a parasite to sap the host of resources. This parasite would latch onto men and demand constant attention, food, and protection from predators as it’s high pitched wail would often lure tigers to kill the host.

The man would be forced to feed the parasite or he’d risk attack from predators due to a hunger wail and the woman could easily take food and other resources from the host as he was weighed down by the parasite that grew heavier by the week. With the increased nutritional intake, the woman now had more energy to create even more parasites until many men in her village were covered in parasites.

Over the years, men came to realize the risk of living near women and would flee at the moment they realized a woman had started to load her cannon. To which, women began increasing their cootie production to lure other men closer and latch the baby onto them.

To make matters worse, the parasite is practically a clone of the woman, comprised roughly of 50% of the woman’s DNA!

With advances in modern gunnery and the fact that even novices in nunneries know more of tactics than your average major-general, the baby cannon has quickly outgrown the capacity of male endurance to outrun. Here are some examples.

Scattershot

The scattershot is a random firing of several babies with hopes one will stick to a man. The scattershot was pretty rare until the development of the magazine. This allows a woman to load up to eight parasites in her cannon. This octoshot would burst and fire parasites in several directions. Thankfully, the scattershot is very difficult to produce still and often latches onto relatives of the woman instead of male hosts due to difficulty of aiming and load time.

Umbilical Cord Commitment Whip

The umbilical cord is often used by a woman to harness men like a pack animal.

The Sniper Shot

A dirty tactic in which a woman will leave her local village for 6 or so months, load her baby cannon in a foreign location and return to her village shortly before firing on a host she kept loose tabs on.

Belly Burst

Women have been known to implant a parasite into others for development and have it burst from the host’s stomach before attaching to a second host.

Interactions with the parasites have varied, for example:

Cootie Addicts

Cootie addicts are a bane to mankind. Drawn to a woman’s cooties, they’ll drastically increase her cannon producing potential. Thankfully, many addicts are overly protective of the cootie factory and will chase other males away from the woman’s territory. However, many addicts have developed complex systems of siphoning cooties from several women while avoiding the parasites they helped produce. These guys are total douchebags and should be killed on sight.

Females Reject rival Parasites.

Often, other women will scorn the parasites of others if she wants to infect an already infected man. The female fears a rival female may continue to feast upon a man’s resources that she is attempting to infect or another infection will reduce her access to resources. The female also recognizes when a parasite is not their own and will often force the male to “abort” the parasite. Generally this is after years of attachment to which the male has develop “parental feelings” towards the parasite. It is unknown what cases this strange alien emotion. Often this feeling grows as the parasite begins to attempt to detach itself from the host and reject said host around the parasite’s teenage years. However, it’ll still return to feed during evenings or early in the morning for a few more years.

Fattysite

The fattysite is an enlarged parasite that overfeeds generally due to the male overeating to compensate for the parasite. It’s a vicious cycle that feeds itself.