Scary Song Lady

Scary Song Lady

The Scary Song Lady is probably the worst demon ever, you may know her as Vanessa Carlton. I found out about her demon ways while watching VH1 Insomniac theatre. Her music video for “A Thousand Miles” began to play and it scared a poopie out of me. She keeps gazing into the camera, following my every move. So I waited 20 minutes for VH1 to play the video again, like it does with all the over played hits and watched closer and what I found was horrifying.

Frame # 85: The music video opens to a shadowy figure walking out of some sort of gateway to a demon world. The camera seems to have a large sheet in front of it, what is under the sheet? An army of hobgoblins carrying unicorn horn daggers? Is the sheet itself some ghost that gets off watching pop star demons shower?

Frame #257: She pulls off the sheet to reveal a medieval instrument known as a piano. If music can soothe the beast, what does it do to the demon?

Frame #Johnny 5: To everyone’s dismay, the piano begins to fly like a magic carpet, only not so high. The first victim we see is a small baby in the background. So young, innocent, and pure, which is why it makes such a great sacrificial lamb! Unlike prostitutes who are terrible sacrifices, they end up giving the demons herpes.

Then the true horror begins, the scene switches to the hands! Whenever this happens the Scary Song Lady is transforming into a demon and the camera turns to the hands to hid the carnage that follows (VH1 would of just censored it). This time she is taking herself and the baby to a sacrificial pit.

Frame #Forgot to Check: We are taken to a sacrificial pit (you can tell by the clowns, where innocence goes to die) I’m not sure if the children are being forced to watch or if they’re next. Either way, their day is probably ruined.

She’s mocking us. Daring us to stop her. It looks like those kids are fighting over who has to be throw into the pit next.

And they’re all dead.

Like most monsters, it seems Vanessa is motivated somewhat by real estate. Is anyone in that industry not evil? Still, I have to admit the neighborhood looks a lot nicer now that all the kids are dead.

Frame #1443: A man is jumping on a trampoline in the background, minding his own business and having a good time, until…

BAM! Where’d he go? You’ll find out soon enough!

Oh hey, some bikers. And look, they’re breaking the law by passing in a no passing lane. Okay, so maybe this murder spree isn’t all bad. Come on, show the hands!

That’s a lot of hubcaps. Previous motorist victims? Where are the dead bikers?!

The scene is scrolling to show more hubcaps. That’s a lot of dead cars. Demons will kill anything!

The scene goes back to the road, zoomed in on her as she plays. Is she about the transform again?

There are the bikers! Is she gonna do it!?

Woo! Dead bikers. That’s a few less jerks making an absurd amount of noise at the stoplight. Maybe this Demon isn’t that bad after all. I mean, she’s mostly killed children and bikers. We can always make more of those, right?

And she’s back on the road again. Will she get a minivan next?

Ahhh… a cross country race. Lame! You would kill a bunch of runners like me after I made a comment about enjoying your rampage.

Look at that smug expression! AHHHH! She’s such a jerk!

Ba-Bam!

Now she’s mocking the camera. By the way, why are the evil people so attractive? You’d think more ugly dudes would get in on the super villain racket. This time she isn’t alone, her familiar makes an appearance. An owl, her evil servant. Remember when that guy disappeared on the trampoline? He got Owlnapped!

Frame #2575: Survivors? The pack leaders or people really far beyond, it’s difficult to tell. Hey, suddenly being the fat kid way at the back seems to have some advantages.

Frame #2650: The conversation that’s actually going on in the video.
SSL, “Hey, do you enjoy murdering people?”
Owl, “Yea, it’s Awesome!”
SSL, “Alright, let’s finish off these fitness nuts!”

SSL, “Hahahaha! You’d think burning people with so little fat would be less satisfying.”

Vanessa Carlton’s gangster face. I gotta say, it’s a lot more intimidating than those people with diamonds on their teeth. What with all the people she’s murdered and the flying piano. Wouldn’t that be nuts if this became a trend? People at the stoplight, riding a piano that they’re playing so loud that it shakes your windows?

Woah. Woah. Woah! A city? Isn’t that getting a little extreme? Not even the gangsters want to kill off an entire city. Well, maybe if it was a foreign city.

Frame #3004: Who’s a jerk? You are!

Frame #3183: This is why she made this video! Just to show off the green dragon, Mokushiroku! You had to kill all these people to summon it!

The ritual dance of the summoning.

She prepares the spell!

Frame #3636: The true number of the dancers are shown. All about to throw their lives away.

Frame #3673: The garbage man is going to have a surprise waiting for him in the morning.

Frame #3724: Then we see something even more horrible, her army is coming from the sea! After a long sleep they hide themselves away as horses. So many horses! How didn’t we know, horses are such assholes? It’s obvious they’re demons! I bet it was all those chicks put under the horses’ spell. Withholding sex from us if we even think about using glue! Bitches, you’ve doomed us all!

I didn’t mean to lash out at you, babe. I was just upset that your stupidity doomed all of humanity. But I still want to have sex with you. Hey, come back. ARRRGG! Curse you, Scary Song Lady!

Frame #4099: Oh, yea. I bet you think it’s really funny the way me and my girlfriend are fighting because you’re going to destroy the world with your stupid horses.

Man, why do women even like horses? We’ve been using them as war machines for 1000′s of years! Do you know how many families they’ve ruined?