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Belly Button Horror Stories

John Hodgman.

John Hodgman’s belly button was itchy so he gave it quick scratch. He noticed some black stuff on his finger. He smelled it and threw up.

His finger wouldn’t feel clean for weeks. Some say the dirtiness drove him insane. That he mined his belly button for chucks and used it to create a mustache which inspires his hobo minions like Lincoln did with his chin filth!

Peanut Butter M&Ms + Soda = DEATH BY DEMON!

Ever wonder where demons come from? I’ll tell you. Peanut Butter M&Ms are insanely addicting, but you can only eat so many before they cripple your ability to move. The victim begins to suffer from extreme bouts of thirst, a common side effect of peanut butter. With few options the victim is commonly forced to grab anything liquid nearby. In my case, it was a can of half full, lukewarm soda-pop. Sadly, the consequences were dire.

Apparently, Peanut Butter M&Ms and Old Time Cola are two key ingredients for the creation of demons, who knew? I’m sure other things were involved, because MaximumTacolord is known for eating stupid stuff he shouldn’t. Like the “Jelly Flavored Rod of Summoning!” or RC cola.

Two Navels are Twice the Fun!

Our story begins with Courtney the Striper in the year 1994. She was your everyday woman, who happened to do favors for the corporate elites for a quick buck. The thing that separated her from the others was her ability to store twice the candy compared to other hookers, with her two belly buttons. This allowed her to entertain two children or one very large child and their father all at once! Never before had any one woman slept with so many fathers in such a short period of time.

While entertaining an excitable bunch of “Diswee!” executives, things got ugly. The “Diswee” people started throwing all sorts of things! Chairs, bottles, Courtney, even the TV! While Courtney fell from the 47th floor of the hotel she gave a Wisconsin beefer to another man who happened to be jumping from his 52nd floor room. When she hit the ground, she was impaled by a car’s radio antenna receiving nu-metal music. The pain was indescribable, just like the awfulness of bands like Nickleback. She wouldn’t expire for several days and it would be several more before anyone noticed her. For you see, the “Diswee!” guys ate her alive (the good parts at least) and sold her organs over the internet. Thus the lesson of our story, people murder prostitutes. Especially the special ones.

Deeper than the Oceans Blue!

Bill was in the shower, he was just standing there zoning out like most people do while they are naked. It’s some sort of a physiological or psychological thing, since your clothing pushes you to go places. When you remove the clothing your ambition goes with it. Now Bill wasn’t quite sure of the time he spent in the shower. He didn’t even consider it a big deal. So he rotated the handles in order to cut off the water and grabbed his novelty Star Wars towel. It was odd, when Bill sat on the toilet, the people on the shampoo battle made him feel like he was on some sort of Japanese TV show. But when the people on the towel watched him shower, it was like FOX reality TV, he didn’t mind sudding up for America!

Did this make him some sort of dirty man-whore? Bill wasn’t really sure. He dried to the left, then to the right, and he got a little daring and did so up and down. He placed the towel on the floor and stepped onto it in order to dress outside the shower. You know, to tease the crowd. But when he bent over to pick up his clothing his belly button began to leak water. Only it didn’t stop and it never would!

The water poured and poured onto the floor and filled the room. Bill screamed for help! He tried to open the door but to no avail, the water blocked his attempts! The water filled the room and Bill drowned. This made people sad, not because they missed Bill, rather it took forever to clean the house when they managed to get the door open and it flooded everything. Also, Fox had to find a new show to fill their 7:30 Wednesday slot. Let this be a listen to all, make the door swing out; it may save your life and don’t scream to the studio audience in your mind for help! They can’t, they signed an agreement not to get involved in the show.

Bill’s belly button has yet to stop leaking and his corpse is currently being used to hydrate the deserts of Africa.