Tacolord.Com

Advice Column, Part 2
(Originally posted Sunday, April 09, 2006.)

It’s that time again; time to help make the world a better place. I’ve noticed the number of people visiting the advice column isn’t quite as high as it should be. There are roughly 6 billion people in this world and the page got far less than 6 billion visits. I’m sure several people plan parties for this, but even with a large number of people viewing the page together there should still be at least a billion visits. This means only one thing, too many people are hoarding my advice for themselves and hoping to become better than their friends so they can spend their time with a better class of people. Look, your friends will be that better class of people through my advice, so you’d only be helping yourself by showing them how to improve their life through me. Did Jesus’ disciplines hoard his teachings? No. But don’t go trying to spread my word around with your own lips, just have them come to me. I don’t want you guys doing what the church did to Jesus’ word. The population of people on fire is high enough the way it is, no reason to add to it.

Arm Wrestlers,

Look, we all know you’re gay. The only reason you arm wrestle is for a chance to hold some dude’s hand. Why else would you put so much time into working out those guns? It’s the only thing your boyfriend across the table is going to see when he isn’t gazing into your baby blues. We all know, alright, move on with your life and stop arm wrestling already. The world already puts your little show on a higher gay scale than man sex, so you’ll actually look less gay if you just admit it.

To our Legacies,

Hey kids. It’s time to start working up to your potential. And by that, I mean ours. Look, we’ve been doing a lot of pretty half-assed stuff with no thought towards tomorrow, let alone the afternoon. Enough of this high school education, youth, and emo rock nonsense. We didn’t listen to this stuff and I’m sure one of the millions of reminders outside your window should show you why you shouldn’t either. If you don’t get in gear soon, history isn’t going to remember us as fondly as they need to. That means they’ll only remember you as that pathetic pussy generation that was nearly destroyed by their grandfather’s arrogance.

Someone needs to get those jobs back from China and it sure as hell won’t be us. We’re the ones who gave them away, remember? You’d know why if you could see all the money we’ve made off it. I know you aren’t used to having money, just imagine your student loans paid off and not having to worry about paying some prick for housing. Now times that by everyone in your college and you’ll be around our current wealth.

The environment needs work to; mutated spiders with knives have already claimed several bathroom showers as their own. Pretty soon you’ll have to wash yourself in the acid rain puddles outside the house if you want to clean up.

And enough of the bruising when we hit you, I’m tired of using a bag of oranges so the police don’t lecture me. Buying oranges is a waste of money. No one eats the things, not with all those traumatic memories of being beaten by oranges. End the vicious cycle of wasting food; our great grandchildren will kill for food. You don’t know how good you still have it!

To the Black Trolls,

Hey guys. I know we mentioned you in the last advice column and a bunch of you came to the site to soak up your own glory. Well, now it’s time to pay the price and realize you could be doing a better job at life as well. I know you’re all about sucking the innocence out of the youth and use drugs to further this end. However, after you suck out the innocence don’t just leave that guy in society.

Look, we have a system here. When I finish a bottle of soda, I put it in the recycling bin. Most people throw it out because they’re jerks who don’t care about ecology. But in the end, the soda bottle is out of our sight. We don’t like seeing discarded filth as we go about our day, junkies included. After you suck out the innocence try burying them, throw them in a river, or at least take them to the curb so the city can toss them for you.

It’s pretty obvious society doesn’t have much innocence left if we’re actually telling you to discard the junkies, so we can’t be a part of your innocence sucking agenda. So stop being lazy asses and clean up after yourselves.

That’s it for this week; I’ll have another column up by next Sunday if society doesn’t destroy itself by then. Cya!

MaximumTacolord-

Note and Disclaimer: By further messing up your life based on your reaction to my advice is in no way my fault. You are taking responsibility for your own life by willingly reading what others comment on it. Don’t suddenly become an idiot (well, more of one) and try passing the blame for what you do on me. As long as you don’t oppress yourself or others, things should only have better results from here. Of course, anything you do that is awesome, I’ll totally take credit for and probably already have. You’re welcome for the show, Mr. Colbert.