Tacolord.Com

Advice Column, Part 3
(Originally posted Sunday, April 16, 2006.)

Hey everybody. A lot of man hours have been going into tacolord.com these last few weeks: new comics, new pages, revising old ones, and two sections that require regular updates. Heck, even two blogs indirectly related to the site are updating almost daily. The final product, love and chaos. Isn’t it beautiful, kind of makes you want to spray magic baby gravy out a second story window? Maybe even a third! But any higher is just silly. But all this increased labor doesn’t mean I’m slacking on my duties, hell no. In fact, I’m pumping out even more duty than ever before!

To Absurdists,

This woman fell out her high-rise apartment onto the pavement below and died. No big right. Old people, we can always buy more. Then another one looking out the window trying to see what happened falls out and dies too. Alright, we get it, old people have poor vision and getting a closer look isn’t always good for your living. Around the 20th old woman, the old ladies stop dying. Their fall is cushioned by brittle bones and splat juices. But the wind picks up and pushes this old lady who’s falling into the crowd of onlookers and everyone dies.

So the police have to fence off the area with that yellow tape to allow the building to empty out without the crowd subjecting themselves to gravity. The firemen are watching too, because they’re hoping a fire will break out and the next scheduled arson isn’t for a good four days. Maybe one of the old ladies will have an oxygen tank which bursts during the fall. Some also have wheelchairs and walkers that may create the desired spark and an explosion could follow. No such luck.

The moral of the story, the sanitation department is underrated.

To People Wearing T-shirts,

It pains me that I have to actually tell you this, when you “buy” a t-shirt depicting communism, a revolutionist’s photo, an anarchy symbol, or anything against some establishment, read the labels on the shirt. Are you buying communist items from a capitalist group? Are you supporting an oppressive society through your purchase of revolutionary wear? Is your anarchy symbol a trademark? If so, that means you’re an idiot and a poser. You have no idea what that shirt stands for or you’re spitting in the eye of what that item represents. If that was your intent from the beginning, carry on. If not, you suck as a failed abortion. But if you made it yourself (depending on how you got the materials) or stole it, this probably doesn’t apply to you.

To Cows,

You’re on the right path. After years of inbreeding, cannibalism, and unfit living conditions your gene pool has become so polluted that the ingestion of your flesh has become harmful! Excellent work my brothers. But maybe you should consider a more “fast-acting” disease.

Humans are dumb as hell; they won’t stop eating you if it means they’ll end up senile in 20 years. If a whore tells a man he’ll get AIDS if they fuck, he’ll say “I pay you for ejaculation or death, not talk.” But if you put a gun to his face and scream “MOOO!” before you pull the trigger. He’ll see his life ending before you take it.

You need to scare the humans before and while you kill them. It’ll show other humans they’ll die as well. Granted, as the disease begins to mutate, increasing the ease of spreading, humanity takes a step closer towards extinction. But at the same time, this is messing with your own genetic code and you’ll probably go with us. Maybe you want to rethink the direction you’re heading in. I doubt either of us wants to see horses inherit the earth.

There is another week of wisdom. Assuming mad cow disease doesn’t turn my brain into pudding, I’ll have another update by next week.

MaximumTacolord-

Note and Disclaimer: By further messing up your life based on your reaction to my advice is in no way my fault. You are taking responsibility for your own life by willingly reading what others comment on it. Don’t suddenly become an idiot (well, more of one) and try passing the blame for what you do on me. As long as you don’t oppress yourself or others, things should only have better results from here. Of course, anything you do that is awesome, I’ll totally take credit for and probably already have. You’re welcome for the show, Mr. Colbert.