Advice Column, Part 11
(Originally posted October, 17, 2008)

Because I felt like it.

Blu-ray,

I’ve considered listing the reasons this debate has lost popularity and why the Blu-ray isn’t taking off like the DVD eventually did. But who cares? The difference between the two isn’t very appealing. DVD is like a hot chick and Blu-ray is the same hot chick after she took a shower and now she thinks you got to pay her student loans. Look lady, I’m not made of money, the banner ads on my website aren’t even real. In fact, the Holly Llama Farm’s website doesn’t even exist anymore. I just keep the banner around because I freakin’ love Uber Llama Saiyans. So you’re a little cleaner and you smell like Ireland or so your soap claims. I can’t afford my own student loan payments and in a few days, you’ll get smelly again and I can go back to neglecting you because I’m shallow and another hot chick will make me forget all about you.

Myself,

No point in asking how you’re doing, I’m you! You’re unemployed, impoverished, can’t find meaning in life, and your friends are talentless hacks. Look on the bright side, shut up and get to work. The website needs more than a small update every day or so. Also, there are several other writing projects that need attention and you haven’t submitted anything for publication in months. Fuck you guy, get over your lack of purpose and get to work. Also, you’re getting out of shape and I’m losing interest in you sexually.

Zombie Panic! Team,

I’ve been playing your Zombie Panic! Source game and I’ve got some bones to pick with you. There is nothing I love more than making a zombie die again, but your game has a lot of bugs, design flaws, and needs tweaking that’ll require months, if not years, of work to address. It’s time you stopped being a team and became a heartless corporation.

Yes, I know it’ll be awkward at first. The advertising you placed in the decaying ruins of our society highlighted the frailty and artificiality of material goods. Now it’s time to take these ads more serious and sell some Irish soap, how else is my girlfriend going to smell like Ireland and kill zombies?

Only after you’ve completely given up on your values and sold out your dreams will you be able to take a game you love and make it a piece of crap that doesn’t address any game play issues but tries to cash in on the zombie fan base. That way, I can stop holding on to my hopes of playing decent video games, especially those involving zombies. Now if you don’t mind, I have a censored steam version of “The Witcher” to play. Sure, the combat sucks despite making up the balk of the game and it has way too many of the bad MMO aspects in it for no reason at all plus a few extra bad ideas. But hey, what else am I going to play? Final Fantasy?

Baby, that rocked my world, now I’m going to take a nap.

MaximumTacolord-

Note and Disclaimer: By further messing up your life based on your reaction to my advice is in no way my fault. You are taking responsibility for your own life by willingly reading what others comment on it. Don’t suddenly become an idiot (well, more of one) and try passing the blame for what you do on me. As long as you don’t oppress yourself or others, things should only have better results from here. Of course, anything you do that is awesome, I’ll totally take credit for and probably already have. You’re welcome for the show, Mr. Colbert.