Advice Column, Part 5
(Originally posted Sunday, April 30, 2006)
This week, I’ve decided to combine previous column styles to see how it comes out.
To those in love,
“Say I’m the only bee in your bonnet.” Why would I want a bee in my bonnet? I could get stung. Seriously, don’t go asking girls to put bees in their clothes to express their love. That’s just cruel! Whatever happened to just pressuring women into putting out or double suicide death pacts? Also, why don’t women ever ask guys to put bees in their boxers? Seriously, this whole question is borderline sexist. That’s right “They Might Be Giants,” I’m looking at you! “They Might Be Sexist Pigs” is what the band should be called. And what the hell is a bonnet?
Those telling others to find love,
Everyone seems capable of criticizing another’s efforts in love, but no one seems able to construct it for them (Expect Frankenstein).
People who dress up animals,
How you doing? Lonely? I know. I figured since you’re trying so hard to put your pet into a more human category to make their company more fulfilling.
But let’s take a moment to look at evolution for a moment. Have wolves ever needed a sweater? No, they have fur. How about bows and ribbons? No, they groom themselves and shed. Have wolves ever needed humans? No. What happened when wolves are placed into human settings, they became dogs. Now compare the noble wolf to the shitsu, if we did that to a human, it’d be a war crime. So next time you start interacting with a dog, consider your dog from the wolf’s perceptive. Are your actions a sin against God? Think about it.
Porn
I’m not entirely sure how this is legal and prostitution isn’t.
People who eat feces for cash
Stop it; imagine how your mother feels.
Employment
In our society, you basically have to sell something to make money. Usually your labor power. But often we try to make do with our humanity.
Artists
What do artists sell, besides our own views?
Hmm, the column still needs a little something. Writing is a lot like cooking, sometimes an ingredient is missing and you just don’t know what.
MaximumTacolord-
Note and Disclaimer: By further messing up your life based on your reaction to my advice is in no way my fault. You are taking responsibility for your own life by willingly reading what others comment on it. Don’t suddenly become an idiot (well, more of one) and try passing the blame for what you do on me. As long as you don’t oppress yourself or others, things should only have better results from here. Of course, anything you do that is awesome, I’ll totally take credit for and probably already have. You’re welcome for the show, Mr. Colbert.
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