Tacolord.Com

Advice Column, Part Six
(Originally posted May, 07, 2006)

People who say, “Music was so much better in the ‘insert age here.’”

Guess what, you’re wrong. Okay, maybe back in the day, when school was so old it was referred to as “recent academy” music was better. Back when a composer would spend weeks to months staring at a sheet of music made from the skin of animals with his (no sexism here, it probably was a male) feather pen writing notes for over a hundred people to play to at once. Still, the number of people who truly devoted themselves to this style of life were few at best. Also, women weren’t allowed to do it most of the time either, which limited the amount of available talent.

This isn’t why I’m pissed; it’s those assholes calling the 80’s the age of rock or some other title they pulled out of a marketing agent’s ass. After bestowing this title, they usually claim that style to be far superior to anything before and after. The only reason you actually liked that crap was due to the cultural Dasein you were raised in. In short, the music was made for you and you the music.

As the Dasein of society changes, the music does as well. You probably aren’t changing though, leaving you in a self manufactured bubble of existence. It isn’t the music you hate, it’s the difference it has compared to your life. Music is nothing more than a give and take of an age’s culture. People from 1300 AD would be freaked out by an electric guitar and wouldn’t understand any of the references in our songs.

If the youth still love your music it means one of two things: A. It was so great it transcends genres (Hint, it isn’t A). B. The youth is in a dated, dying culture and you should be very concerned. For example, Milwaukee. Radio waves are ruled by hair metal in this town. It just happens that Milwaukee is famed for segregation, losing jobs to China, being super overweight, and not keeping their educated youth in the city. Basically, Milwaukee is an outdated and dying city.

Besides, you aren’t in love with the music itself, rather the memories you’ve associated with it. Current standards for music only remind you of those darn kids who won’t leave your yard alone. Tunes from your past trigger the memory of some chick you felt up after she passed out at the “Stones” concert. Different types of music are creating different responses in your mind, that’s why you don’t like it. Next time you hear something you hate, remember it’s okay not to like it. In fact, that “music” is probably trash anyway. Just remember the stuff you listen to sucks just as hard.

To Time Travelers,

Just stop! Look, it may be possible to travel in time. It’s also possible to stick your dick a wood chipper, so is it a good idea? Just consider the damage you’d do time traveling just to pick up some eggs? Every person’s mood altered, path changed by mere seconds, or any germ you may leave or pick up could change the very fabric of time. You may end up making someone take an extra four seconds to get to work, causing that person to miss getting hit by a car or actually get hit by the car that hardly missed them. Perhaps you’ll spread a disease that didn’t exist yet. Heck, you may inspire or uninspire someone to create something huge. This is the kind of stuff you’d do just going back to last week to pick up some eggs. Who knows what may happen to the timeline: create alternate realities, alter ours, maybe destroy the universe. It isn’t worth the risk. Time travel is a bad idea, period. Stop trying to do it!

*Update* A time traveler came by to talk to me today.  I guess time travel isn’t as bad as I thought.  Though the future does suck worse than we thought.  We still don’t have jetpacks.

Vegans and such,

I confess to almost being a vegan now. I never eat meat and I hardly eat cheese (aside from an occasional cheese pizza). However, a lot of vegans out there give normal people a lot of grief for not joining their little cult. Hey, guess what? Being a vegan is insanely expensive. It’s even more expensive if you’re an all-organic vegan. The only people who can afford that are the kind with a ton of money. If you have a ton of money, you probably aren’t the great moral being you think you are when you spend it. Stop trying to put everyone on a guilt trip for being too broke to spend an extra $40 bucks at the store to feed themselves for a week. Because they still won’t be able to afford it unless they do it in an unhealthy manner. Only now they may feel guilty about doing what they have to.

Perhaps you should start a little slower or go after the corrupt market before you start telling everyone how high and mighty you are. Seriously, you’re making me look bad when you pull this crap. Cut it out! Besides, do you know what soy is doing to the rainforest? Where do you think we’re getting all the land to grow your stupid beans? Think about it, you self-righteous, planet destroying, short sighted assholes. Vegans are destroying the planet! That’s right, in all your effort to save one domesticated animal, you actually killed thousands of wild ones. Congrats, you just masturbated into the genetic pool that was the planet’s. Do you still feel as high and mighty?

Maddox’s Fans,

I have no beef with Maddox, I really enjoy his site. His fans are another matter, they seem to be destroying him. How often does he tell everyone to stop sending him countless emails filled with mind crap? Yet, these fans keep doing it. The guy seems to actually take the time to read their email. Which is pretty impressive, most people with fans will go to lengths to actually ignore them. Hell, I do it and I barely have any fans the way it is. To those who love Maddox, stop trying to kill him. One day you may succeed.

MaximumTacolord-

Note and Disclaimer: By further messing up your life based on your reaction to my advice is in no way my fault. You are taking responsibility for your own life by willingly reading what others comment on it. Don’t suddenly become an idiot (well, more of one) and try passing the blame for what you do on me. As long as you don’t oppress yourself or others, things should only have better results from here. Of course, anything you do that is awesome, I’ll totally take credit for and probably already have. You’re welcome for the show, Mr. Colbert.