Tacolord.Com

Advice Column, Part Seven
(Originally posted May, 14, 2006)

Morning folks. Let’s take a walk into the magnificent world of realizing how great I am.

Recommending Common Sense,

Here’s a trend that needs to die, telling people to use common sense. This phrase could be taken in too many directions. It could mean sense as the collective, many senses mixed together to produce a “common” one. Now, I’m not sure how far this sense is supposed to reach. Should we take China’s sense in as well? It may provide more interesting results and more dead girls than several business men with whores and cocaine, but doesn’t that conflict with “common sense?” Or is the common sense merely the sense of the local area, say Nazi Germany? Common sense would tell us to get the Pope’s support, but that’s one questionable dude.

Perhaps common sense means the sense that is common to you. Boy, that isn’t something you want to tell an absurdist, serial killer, or Bill Gates. When Bill Gates uses common sense he gets a little richer and a lot of people die.

Now in aphorism form:

The difficulty of common sense is commonality is not desirable. And what is common to one is exotic to another.

People who write advice columns,

Admit it advice givers, you’re all assholes and hacks. Even myself. We don’t help shed new light on a situation, we respond with how we’d act in a similar situation and assume it’s probably the best. Well, that’s the thing, it isn’t. There is no “best.” Sometimes columnists will admit to not being sure, but for the most part these wise ones spray their advice like knuckle babies in the face of a Japanese woman. For example, advising one kid to be less “crude” then telling someone else to force her boyfriend to stop being friends with his Ex in the next segment. I think that defines “crude.” What’s more crude than not trusting the ones you claim to trust the most simply because you demand sole rights over the person?

I’m not saying to stop reading my column or others. I’m just telling columnists to take it down a notch. Is the fame really worth the shame you’ll feel afterwards? Why not do something more constructive. I admit I’m a joke! I don’t really give normal advice. Mine is more general. It’s meant to overshadow a large area and allow individuals to interrupt on their own what it means and how to act within their own life with it. I’m not here to hold your bloody hands, no columnist wants to do that. We’d rather just tell your hands who to kill and watch as you do it!

This column is purely for entertainment and my own advancement. I’ve admitted it and so should you.

Now in aphorism form:

As the puppets dance, we never see the puppeteer’s hands making us sing and dance as well.

To Askaninja.com,

What the hell man? This site is too awesome. It’s seriously hit the awesome wall. That’s right; this site is so good that I doubt it can get better. I’ve never seen a website that regularly updates with such quality material. Do you know how hard it is for me to get good material on the site, let alone regularly? I feel like such an idiot when I compare myself to it. Stop making me feel bad by laughing so hard. You jerk! With that said, go check out askaninja.com it rules!

Now in aphorism form:

Greatness inspires the weak through the day and the great to shame.

(Update: October 9, 2008)

Yup, you really hit the wall alright. Askaninja now sucks. I’m not sure if the content is any worse, but the ads have begun denominating the website so much that I refuse to visit the site. There are banners all over the page, commercials before, after, and during the five minute videos. There is a difference between trying to make some money and just jamming as many commercials into your hit before you burn out. Discretion, use it.

Alright, I have some questions I want a ninja to answer, I’m out of here!

MaximumTacolord-

Note and Disclaimer: By further messing up your life based on your reaction to my advice is in no way my fault. You are taking responsibility for your own life by willingly reading what others comment on it. Don’t suddenly become an idiot (well, more of one) and try passing the blame for what you do on me. As long as you don’t oppress yourself or others, things should only have better results from here. Of course, anything you do that is awesome, I’ll totally take credit for and probably already have. You’re welcome for the show, Mr. Colbert.