Tacolord.Com

Advice Column, Part 10

In celebration of finally completing the new layout for the advice column and consequently a large percent of tacolord.com, I’ve decided to update this great but neglected page.

Attention Penises:

Hey guys, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye since you’re so short and the thought of you repulses me, but I think it’s time you gained some perspective on things. Not everyone likes a person who’s always trying to barge into spaces that don’t appear to fit his girth. You’re like the lonely fat guy arriving late to the overcrowded room just so people have to be next to him. No one is willing to say it to your face, because you may touch us with your beef hands if we get that close to you, but dude, go away. We’ve already started and there isn’t enough room for you.

To make matters worse, you’re always leaving a mess before you go. You don’t wait to see if anyone else needs some attention. No, you just blast a load in their face and shrivel away. At the very least, you could offer a moist paper towel. Not only do people not like it when you come into a room, we don’t like to know you were in the room.

And put some pants on! It’s rude to point and no one wants to see your balls.

Attention Video Game Journalists:

Video games have become such a huge market that now they have their own journalists. However, where are all the questions? You’re freakin’ journalists! The other day I watched a fairly hot female interview someone I assumed to be a developer of MK vs. DC, the Mortal Kombat and D.C. fighter crossover. The chick didn’t ask a single question! She didn’t ask why Superman was fighting the Flash or Sonya or how Superman was getting hurt. He’s Superman! Did this reporter have any journalism experience or was she just a talking vagina used to lure gamers to her company’s advertisers?

Second, while this female and the developer were playing the game, it was obvious over half the characters were locked. Was this to be expected upon release? Why do so many companies think it’s awesome to take the party out of party games? Furthermore, why aren’t the journalists, who are supposed to look out for consumer interests, asking about this or any questions at all! The developers are totally controlling the interview.

Perhaps the worst part of all this was the reporter dominating the guy presenting his own game. This developer helped create a game no one has ever played, are you going to tell me he couldn’t do enough to prevent himself from being embarrassed on internet television? There is no way this game can be remotely balanced unless this guy was in charge of art or marketing. Even if this was the case, he’s trying to market a game he can barely mash buttons for. That is hardly what I would call love for your work. I’ll admit Mortal Kombat is probably one of the most overrated game series of all time but still, even they should show some pride in their work.

Attention Writers for Job Search Websites:

As a long time user of your terrible services, I’ve grown to begrudgingly accept I’ll never get a job I actually want from you. However, your writers have really started getting on my nerves. You often provide advice for job seekers and it almost never involves using the online career services your website offers! It’s outrageous how blatantly you’re admitting your inability to provide people with the only service you’re offering. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a writer use an empty word like “networking.” It’s like everyone working at these job search websites knows if you want a job that doesn’t suck, you better look somewhere else.

Maybe I should be happy that the people in charge of the site are honest enough to realize they aren’t the solution to your financial problems or lack of purpose. At the same time, it kind of takes that one part of their humanity left and craps all over it. It’d be like the military admitting they’re all professional murders. The deniability they offer makes working with someone from the military possible, without it, I’m the one that feels dirty.

You’re welcome. Later!

MaximumTacolord-

Note and Disclaimer: By further messing up your life based on your reaction to my advice is in no way my fault. You are taking responsibility for your own life by willingly reading what others comment on it. Don’t suddenly become an idiot (well, more of one) and try passing the blame for what you do on me. As long as you don’t oppress yourself or others, things should only have better results from here. Of course, anything you do that is awesome, I’ll totally take credit for and probably already have. You’re welcome for the show, Mr. Colbert.