Tacolord.Com

Amazon Wish List

Dear Amazons,

I’ve been pretty silent about amazons up til now. But I’ve recently learned many webmasters have been asking you for presents instead of Santa. The old guy has been at the toy business for awhile now, he deserves a nice retirement so he can focus more heavily on defending our pole from invasion. The safety of his elves and our planet is just too important and I’m glad someone finally realizes this. In the interests of global safety, my support also goes out to the Amazon Nation in passing on the reindeer so I’ve created an Amazon wish list to show it.

Item 1, Plutonium. I’m not sure if the Amazon Nation has gone nuclear yet, but if you have, I’d like some plutonium. My landlord doesn’t take me seriously, but with the threat of nuclear war I could command the respect I deserve. I want to annex the apartment complex and the surrounding area into an autonomous nation. We’d allow those living here 6 months or so to decide if they want to live with us or return to the United States (at which point we’d probably kick them out). We realize being a nation is pretty hard and are willing to remain a protectorate under the US. At least until the people of Taconia decide if they want to become completely independent, rejoin the union as another state, or continue not paying taxes while still getting utility access.

Oh Taconia, we never made you a song!

Item 2, lunch with Danni Ashe. I don’t think she’s an Amazon herself, but I’m sure she respects your nation enough to consider the proposal if you gave it. We’d meet up at some diner. I’d get French toast and red wine. I don’t drink red wine because I’m still a Buddhist (you don’t want to see Buddha on the sauce), but I’d make an exception in this case. She’s a pretty important web designer and I wouldn’t want to look foolish around her because I’m drinking water. I’d have the toast because I enjoy breakfast foods.

I’ve only heard of her recently while doing research for body painting, it turns out she’s a popular canvas and she has her own well established website (I was reading a book at the time, so I couldn’t check it out. I should do that soon). The conversation would center around developing tacolord.com into a well known domain. If her site is as big as I’m told, she should be able to help me get more visits. I’m also very interested in body painting as well, I’ve recently acquired a willing canvas to try out my finger painting and I’d like to get some pointers on what type of paint to use and how I should document my progress. Other topics would come up, I’m sure. Politics and sex probably, I’ve noticed older women always seem eager to share their knowledge on such topics, I guess they enjoy putting all that experience into nobler causes. I usually don’t mind, these woman often have a lot of good stories and how-to guides. However, web design and body painting would remain the area of focus so she’d only have to research those before the luncheon.

Item 3, Ninja Station 1337. Considering I’ll have a new nation to defend and a very popular site to maintain, I’ll need some help. A small ninja station next to our apartment complex would be a peck on the cheek from the Goddess herself! You don’t have to get me super expensive ninja, I’d settle for some ninja interns. We could hire some more experienced ones as our little empire grows. Taconia would prefer an FM dial over AM, our political views aren’t right enough to fit in with the AM crowd. Besides, we prefer music over talk radio, youth still flows in Tacoina’s veins. I figure our ninja needs are around 8-12 at the moment. Some will act as assistants towards our political government as pages and secretaries. Others would hunt down and slay our enemies. You know, just to keep our name in the news. A few would probably DJ or update the site occasionally for me. So the ninja will need excellent writing and english skills, with a fair amount of talent in graphic design and overall be highly artistic. I’m not sure how far we’d want the broadcast from the station to go, I’m hoping to reach at least Madison, but I’d understand if you could only set us up with the greater Milwaukee area.

Item 4, a unicorn. As Amazons, I’m sure you know the importance of a mighty steed between your thighs. Not every Amazon can ride the one horned beast, but I’m more than certain I have the skills and necessary qualifications to do so. Patrols will be necessary for our nation to maintain our already low crime rates and reduce the risk of invasion. Besides, I want to mingle with the people; a great leader must always be among his citizens, even if he’s on his high mythical horse when he does it.

Thank you Ms. Amazons. I look forward to Amazon day when I run outdoors to see the proud Taconian Flag waving over our trees, growing on the blood soaked independent soil. The fightin’ Taconians would also like to take this chance to invite Stephen Colbert to interview us upon gaining independence.