Tacolord.Com

Team Dash is a lot of things.

Gamers, Zombie Hunters, Prostitutes, now a Cult! And we want to show you the way to salvation through gaming.

|-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-|
I am Game Guru, MaximumTacolord.
|-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-|

I have reached the unnumbered level of life and this Nirvana of gaming can be yours, all you have to do is defeat the final bosses. The following is your guide for winning life through gaming. As with all guides on GameFAQs, please seek permission before republishing. This guide is free to all who wish to use it.

|-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-|
Boss Battle
Doom the Fanboy
|-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-|

The fanboy is a corrupter of the gaming industry. The fanboy fears anything they don’t already know or doesn’t have a large enough advertising budget to make it familiar. If enough fanboys are created, the industry will have little choice but to make predictable, boring games for them to satisfy the franchise. With creativity and love forced from their product, gaming Nirvana is replaced by intolerance and blind loyalty. The fanboy sees the companies that fulfill his empty dreams as those who can do no wrong, so the fanboy buys any product the company may sell and recommends it highly to others. He insults any other product produced by another company, regardless of what that product is, even waffle irons.

Final Fantasy is a great scourge of the fanboy. Tired combat systems, recycled story lines, little interaction, and an overemphasis on graphics and cut scenes have almost removed the gamer entirely from the game! All the gamer is needed for is to hold the X button while his characters level and grind through tedious mini-games and dialogue as sexually ambiguous characters stand next to large breasted females between impossible deeds with huge swords. The boobs aren’t bad though. Also the things they do with the swords are cool.

Defeating the Fanboy

The fanboy may be weakened through parodies and satire only so much, eventually these attacks will become familiar enough that the fanboy will enjoy them and keep playing the game to inspire more parodies. The only way to fight the monster fanboy is to ignore the monster fanboy. The games fanboys flock to, you must not buy until they’ve reached the cleansing fires of the bargain bin. At this point, the strength of your purchase will be overlooked.

You must also support other titles that seek innovation, like Beyond Good and Evil or Psychonauts. Sure, the games aren’t as shiny, but a dull gold is far better than a glistening pile of crap.

|-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-|
Boss Battle
Jimmy the Release Date Demon
|-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-|

The release date demon is notorious for altering the dates of games for unknown reasons. Some games are pushed back so long, they’re never released. Others are sold before the game is even made! It injects hype into our gonads and draws despair through our crushed spirits.

Worst of all, the demon pushes back the release date of our heart. I’m sorry, there isn’t any love in yet. Check back next week.

Defeating the Release Date Demon

To defeat him you must defeat time. Minutes, punch them in the face. Months, go for the balls. If the game isn’t coming out tomorrow, it doesn’t really concern you. By giving your attention to a game that isn’t even out, you push smaller, already released titles in the dark. Don’t not clap your hands all day because Blizzard announces another World of Warcarft expansion, save your hands for the controller.

|-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-|
Boss Battle
Bad Manner David
|-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-|

David lurks within your heart. Waiting for you to release your grip on the guard button. His tentacles worm their way through our esophagus and spew forth hatred and rage. Many of the most kind hearted of gamers have fallen to David by throwing their controller or yelling hurtful comments into their microphone.

Also, sometimes David himself comes over to a gaming party and punches a hole into the wall because he lost at Tekken. Seriously dude, the fuck?

Defeating David

You must find the source of your rage. You must dig deep and remove it. It is only a game. We seek enlightenment through gaming. But gaming itself is not enlightenment. Should the game upset you, you have become too attached and must distance yourself from the game. Find the factor that triggers your rage and remove it from your essence. Even if that factor just happens to be a crappy game.

|-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-|
Ben
that guy who’s never played the game
|-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-|
(This is not Battletoads)

Ben plays a game for twenty minutes and discovers the greatness. His excitement peeks, he re-envisions the rest of his life to include this game. Perhaps his girlfriend will object at first, but she’ll come around. She’ll see how awesome this game is!

Then Ben never plays the game again.

Defeating Ben

The soul craves structure. Even if the world falls around us, we’ll find ways to return bits of our life to normalcy. If we want to bring gaming into our lives, we must find a way to structure it into our world. We must find moments to game, we must step outside our current comfort zone to bring something new into our lives.

We must find the time.

Other Boss Battles!
TJ the Addict.
Nostalgic JJ

Optional Bosses :
Sun Alliance, The Immortals of Gaming
Pat the J-pop kid.