Death Tax
Ben Franklin said there is nothing certain but death and taxes. If that’s true, why the hell aren’t we taxing death? You can cheat taxes, but you can’t cheat death. Why should anyone get a free ride on the rot express? And if you’re religious, you should have to pay even MORE taxes. Because if you think you’re going to be having sex with 40 virgins all day, you expect more than some dumbass atheist who has to burn in hell for the rest of forever.
The death tax collectors will dress like reapers to go around taxing dying people. Every cough will cost a quarter. I mean, who hasn’t been annoyed by someone who keeps coughing. If I got a quarter every time they did it, I might not spit in their coffee as much (which would probably increase their recovery chances).
Imagine the potential at the grocery store! Liquor, cigarettes, and Pepsi could all have death taxes on them. Finally, the government will be able to make a profit from the all Twinkie diet.
The entertainment industry has needed a death tax for a long time. Every time someone makes a song about wanting to die, a dead person, or about death/dying, there should be a fee. There would be extra fees for every use of death played on a radio and an initial death insertion fee. Not only will it pay for schools, but maybe someone will think twice before playing that depressing song about drinking and driving. Resurrections and reincarnations will cost double, we don’t want people thinking they can get out of death taxes!
And those annoying messages at the end of shows that say in memory of, death taxed! Maybe a tax on the estate of the guy being remembered. That one is still in the works.
Dead bodies on TV shows would also be taxed. It’d cost even more to have someone actually die in the show. Other taxable items include: ghosts, graveyards, vampires, and anyone wearing a lot of black.
Since we’re on taxes why not borrow from the luxury tax which was an awesome idea. Basically, tax collectors would go into your house and charge taxes for luxuries, like your TV. Of course, if you were homeless, they’d just ignore you and walk on like everyone else. So why not also charge for death? For every roll of fat you have, 20 bucks. Walking dead locked in the basement? More like walking tax dollars! Before the collectors leave, you’d have to poo in a cup and if there are no veggies, bam, 100 dollars! Also, the homeless should have to give up half their begging cup and a quarter of their booze, they don’t have shelter. Shelter is a basic necessity and if you don’t have it, death tax!
Imagine the gold mines at hospitals, retirement homes, hospices, and war zones. The military could totally send tax collectors out with the Air Force on bombing runs. Paratrooper-death tax collectors would follow the bombs!
Economic Crisis = Solved. Nobel Peace Prize Please.
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