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A Man’s Guide to Zombie Survival

I think we’ve all come to terms with the fact that one day we’ll witness an old guy die at the grocery store. At first, we’ll merely assume it to be another expired coupon dispute, until the already decaying flesh supported by the organs of motorcyclists springs back to life. Science dictates anyone older than 50 hasn’t sprung since 30, only one conclusion can be made. Zombies.

They’re coming, this is an established fact. The world events just scream, “Hey, zombies are coming.” When was the last time you looked at Canada, seriously? What are they doing up there? If that isn’t enough, just hit up the video store. Why else would zombie movies be popular again, they aren’t good. Okay, the remade Dawn of the Dead was pretty sweet, but the original was so boring and overfed with social commentary that I actually wished communists still existed just so I could rub facial cream in their eyes and prevent them from flushing it out.

This Hollywood trend is obviously a secret message to the last hopes of humanity, reminding them to prepare for the coming deadites. A small problem arises, aside from most zombie movies having writers fresh off a porn set, the characters rarely win. I’ve taken it upon myself to ensure the best of our population are ready to repopulate the earth with a short guide on surviving.

Some of you have considered buying the Zombie Survival Guide. Don’t. It’s full of tactics, information, and words. Real men don’t need books. That’s why we read them so much, because we don’t have to! If you have to read to survive, it’s just showing the zombies you’re weak. Don’t be!

“But Tacolord, I’m a woman! I can’t be a real man!”

Nonsense. Think of zombies as nothing more than testicle trees. In the zombie holocaust, cocks and balls will be ripe for the picking. Literally, those suckers will be falling off so hard they may drop on their own. This is a chance for all women to become real men if they want to. Just grab a handful and jam them in your vaginas. Or use the power of metaphor to grow your own pair.

Finally, we can all be as manly as Voltaire

Now that we’re all men, let’s focus on survival. Several people may stockpile food, water, and supplies. Pretty unmanly I’d say. Real men bring home the bacon, not stockpile a bunch of it. Do you really want the people repopulating the earth to be a bunch of dudes hiding in basements? How do you propose they actually repopulate? Those are called World of Warcraft addicts. They’ll all die when the servers go down, so acting like them will bring about your own death. Besides, when was the last time someone playing World of Warcraft repopulated anything? Real men eat what they kill and with over a billion zombies in need of a good murdering, food is not a problem.

You may need some shelter should a few nukes go off from lack of maintenance, creating a nuclear winter to rival the rumors of Wisconsin’s (actually very mild compared to Canada, seriously, what are those guys doing?). I’d suggest getting a good hat, something to put over your manly, unkept hair to keep warm.

Babes will become an issue. Giving the ever constant battle between being anorexic or ugly, they’ll lack the proper nutrition to survive long term zombie battles. Being real men, we’ll watch over them for awhile. Shortly before and after sex. However, real men got to be free. When we see field, we want to play Calvinball. Everyone knows Calvinball always has new ways to score. We can’t be held down constantly saving people’s lives when there is Calvinball to play. Besides, if zombie movies have taught us anything, women will be the death of you. The measure of a real man is by his life, because without it he’d be no better than the zombie. Luckily, real men masturbate daily. So running out of babes may not be so bad.

Firearms. Yea, guns are cool. But they aren’t very “manly.” Think about it, real men don’t become astronauts. Tang is for idiots. If a real man wanted to go to the moon, he’d just jump. Rockets are just vertical sports cars. Real men would use their hands to kill zombies. Maybe a chainsaw or lawn chair. But guns are for astronauts and everyone can agree those aren’t real men.

Oh yea, don’t forget the one liners. Arnold isn’t an action hero because he’s super ripped. Being manly isn’t all about muscles, if you can’t flex to a clever line. You’re just masturbating. This is fine if you’re alone, but not if you’re trying to increase your box office gross. You may want to hire some writers, before the holocaust, to prepare some material in advance. Even real men acknowledge writers as amazing.

Finally, get your fill of killing. Who knows how long it’ll take society to restore order. This manly paradise may only last a few months. Afterwards, you’ll have to go back to not killing everyone you hate. When else are you going to have a chance to kill those guys you didn’t like back in high school? Sure you can still kill them, but that’ll require hiding bodies and laws that make eating them taboo. So kill each day like it’ll be the last.

Alright, that should be enough. Anymore help and the girly will survive. Anyone familiar with the cootie virus knows that’s far worse than an undead world. Let’s recap, in the event of a zombie uprising:

1. Don’t read out of necessity. It shows weakness.
2. Pick some balls if you don’t have any.
3. Eat zombies. Their kidneys keep you from transforming into a popstar.
4. Get a cozy hat.
5. Remain unattached, sex is better that way. Even when by yourself.
6. Boomstick is only cool when said by Bruce Campbell or just before ejaculation.
7. Never eat lunch with an Astronaut.
8. Kill Patrick, the kid who mocked your Cloud Strife t-shirt. The dude was an ass!