Tacolord.Com

J.P.N
Just Plain Nuts

Just Plain Nuts was originally an online gaming guild called “The Japanese Poopy Nation.” We thought TubGirl was hilarious and tried to spread her message through our online domination. We even named our leader Tubgirl001. Regrettably, not many people take someone online seriously.

Tubgirl

Like any online guild, eventually the drama involved resulted in a big fight and a lot of the members split into multiple camps. MaximumTacolord gathered many local members to discuss taking this petty fight to the next level and become a dictator! They were the weirdoes of society: Gamers, D&D Roleplayers, Math Wizards, Demonic Warlords, Writers and Poets, Single Mothers, Web Masters, Programmers, Engineers, and Band Geeks.

The demon warlords seemed to stand out the most, at first we thought they were Goths. But all the Goths were at the Emo convention down the street, where they discussed how pointless the Emo convention was. Being really big and scary the demons naturally took over the group with Taco and began plotting ways to lash out against the Poopy Nation traitors.

While the meeting was in progress a spy was in their mists, everyone should have known no one would attend a dork convention wearing a T-shirt endorsing a professional athlete. The spy informed TubGirl001 of the uprising and they quickly cut off all diplomatic relations and our website’s server resources, claiming those in attendance were “Just Plain Nuts. Many even claimed that MaximumTacolord was the only one there and everyone else was just a figment of his demented imagination

Their actions would not stop the newly formed army of Just Plain Nuts. This was not a matter if internet usage, this was war! The demons armed the Band Geeks with instruments of destruction, large sticks, heavy rocks, and a water hose. They stormed the Emo convention and the demon warlords feasted upon their souls and transformed them into zombies.

With a newly formed army of minions they decided it was time to strike!

TubGirl001 lived somewhere in New Jersey, so we airdropped the zombies into Jersey, only most of them splated on the way down and lost 95 percent of their combat capabilities. Those that maintained a marginal level of combat abilities quickly began converting those nearby into new zombie minions. No one really noticed on account it was Jersey and this is a daily occurrence. Eventually the entire state was converted and no one ever heard from TubGirl001 again. JPN, with the taste of vengeance fresh on their lips, set their sights on world conquest. No longer would internet geeks be able to hide from JPN’s wrath in makeshift bunkers of solitude.

J.P.N ARMY

Our organization is composed of the best and brightest of the forgotten. Gamers with absurd hand-eye coordination, single mothers with annoying kids, D&D strategists, history and philosophy majors and their complete lack of skills, and demons (who don’t really need skills). Oddly enough, many of the disillusioned who join our ranks quickly seem to disappear among a sea of zombie labor. We barely even see the band geeks anymore.

The Gamer Battalion:

The stereotypes of society has labeled gamers as psychos with the abilities to operate any vehicle and masterfully use any firearm, ever. This stereotype has proved not as true as we would have liked. In all combat situations, simulations, and water cooler banter have shown the the gamer’s battle skills to be pathetic. Most of them had difficulties operating basic machinery and fewer even knew how to drive. When they used firearms, none of them expected the recoil of the heavy weapons to throw them across the battlefield and dislocate their shoulder. They all lacked basic tactics and were quickly defeated by the simplest of opponents. For some reason every gamer thought he could take 20 to 1 odds easily. Only 24% of the gamer battalion would willingly enter hand to hand combat, of those must resorted to slapping and were defeated. Thirty seconds into their first battle against a BubBle Gum Fairy, 70% of gamers entered the fetal position and cried for their mommy. The surviving gamers have now been reassigned to various office related jobs and filing duties.

Would you want this fighting for you? If gamers can “snap at any moment,” I guess you may hurt yourself laughing at them, otherwise I think society is safe from the vast majority of gaming menance.

Cannon Fodder Band Geeks:

The name says it all. The band is basically our bait, deployed using a reconstruction of World War 1 Russian tactics. They march into battle with instruments screaming until they are brutally maimed or slaughtered. Survivors are patched up and sent back out into the next battle. Oddly enough, they never seem to run out of numbers. Comments have risen to train their seemly infinite forces to become true soldiers. Everyone just laughs at that guy and we move on though.

Yea, even Torgo is tougher than our band geeks and he was nearly beaten to death by girls massaging him.

Generals

The leadership of our organization is focused around the self proclaimed dictator MaximumTacolord and his demon generals/warlords. Through tactics and raw power they’ve managed to take over New Jersey with zombie bombing runs, Western Europe with a sharp stick, and small areas of Southeast Asian with the coins found in the couch cousins. Most people are really afraid of the demons, this is largely due to their immense size and the fact they are demons! Other people feel uncomfortable around MaximumTacolord, he seems a little insane. He often demands strange things and spends a great deal of time and resources on projects of no sense, like converting his Nintendo into a Gundam.

Thus far all it has managed to do in battle is set itself on fire.

Role Playing Strategists.

These boys are the key to winning the battles. They go through battle simulations with great care. Always carrying the philosophy, “Do not re-roll, for the soldiers cannot.” After numerous run-throughs they can give the odds of an upcoming conflict and tell us what to expect. They also warn of hidden traps, like spike pits. JPN can proudly say we’ve never lost anyone to a spike pit trap.

No comment…

Mommy

No one expected these women to show up. In fact, most of the guys at the first meeting freaked out at the sight of a girl. Girls are icky. Luckily, the demons have managed to use them effectively and mothers largely run the show behind the front lines, making sure everyone is prepared for battle, has had their nap after lunch, and are trained in the arts of combat. Many claim the mothers have gotten a little too close to the demons. But no one will complain out loud, everyone is afraid of them and the demons.

The undead.

I don’t know why more isn’t done with zombie labor, it’s awesome!

JPN the Struggle

The armies of JPN had secured footholds on 3 continents, it was obvious someone would eventually rise up and face our growing zombie might. Everyone thought the opposition would be a world government, perhaps local rebellions, or maybe even the UN. None of them cared. We were operating in areas of the world no one cared about, let alone could pronounce. Like this FRAN-CE place. These areas lacked vital resources that would motivate a nation to act. Besides, some of them were full of people no one liked, so the world didn’t mind when we turned them into flesh eating zombies.

The opposition came in a form we never expected. The Uber Llama Saiyan. They broke past the Taco Inc. defenses, a sign that said “keep out.” Afterwards, they busted up the roof with crowbars and such, in order to fly into the place all badass and glowly. They battled the demons, who ran away like little girls at the sight of the llamas and unleashed the Zombie hordes on them.

MaximumTacolord was all for taking over the world but a llama massacre could never be justified. Besides, he hates dirty zombies, with their stupid decaying skin, falling out eyeballs, and stupid butts that keep squirting out gross stuff. Also, a zombie broke his heart once! So he went in there and kicked zombie butt to help the llamas. Afterwards, the llamas not wishing to dishonor themselves by continuing an attack on the one who saved them, flew away.

After the battle someone had to clean up the mess and the all the janitors quit at the sight of the scattered zombie limbs littering the hallways and severed heads that still snapped at the air. So Taco grabbed a broom and pushed the remains into one of the Demon’s offices. Upon opening the door Taco was horrified! The demon had a Macintosh! I know demons are evil, but come on! Not only that, but the desktop had a Blizzard entertainment theme. Taco quickly looked through the multiple graphic programs and realized this demon designed Warcraft units. The demon even had a Blizzard sword on his wall. If all this wasn’t proof enough, there was a memo, with a Blizzard header, on the Demon’s desk with a checklist for taking over the world!

Phase one: Build large game empire, name it Blizzard after our cold dead black hearts. (Checked)

Phase two: Weaken the gamers blood lust by turning them all into Carebears. Making them easier to control. (Checked)

Phase three: Create massive chaos by deleting accounts, thus driving people insane. (Checked, twice)

Phase three dot five: Eat a pizza. (Check-aru)

Phase four: Activate hidden subliminal messaging in people with deleted accounts. Thus turning them into zombie slaves. Claim our demon powers were what created them to impress dorky Tacolord guy, infiltrate his operations for world conquest. (Checked).

Phase five: Use new zombie slaves to steal cows! But don’t make them look like the normal zombies who do all the fighting. So Tacolord never knows the difference. (In progress)

Phase six: With millions of farmers unable to milk cows, they’ll be forced to resort to smaller mammals like cats, rats, and humans. After failing they’ll be forced to program for Blizzard and make more games.

Phase Seven: With the market flooded with Blizzard games, people will be forced to buy only blizzard games with their limited funds. Blizzard gets a monopoly on video games and is able to take over every other market with their infinite funds.

Phase Eight: Activate sleeper units who have been trained and brained washed by years of DDR to man secret bunkers throughout world disguised as Cyber Cafes.

Phase Nine: With massive funds, take over other countries in Asia, thus controlling the cute Asian girl market, forcing nerdy kids around the world to submit to our whims with the hopes of getting sex (note, never give them sex, this should be easy as they never get it anyway).

Phase Ten: Use nerdy guys create super weapons to arm Tacolord’s zombie army which is supported by natural resources from conquered nations to take over the world!

Phase Eleven: Turn the Tacolord into a piece of cheese.

Phase Twelve: Tell pizza guy to bring extra loads of “pizza” and “soda-pop” to celebrate ruling the world. Place Tacolord on pizza, and eat him. Umm… tastes like victory.

Tacolord was shocked, the demons he trusted, turned out to be EVIL! Okay, so maybe he wasn’t that shocked, they did suggest creating an army of the undead to walk the land, maiming and consuming all the organs of those in front of them. The fact that all the demons were actually Blizzard employees was also not very surprising.

Tacolord couldn’t fight them head on, they were demons and really scary! So he had to flee, join the Llamas and strike at the facilities around the world and destroy them all! But first he must free the zombies, so they may wander free like god wanted. Okay, so maybe god didn’t want zombies roaming the world and this wasn’t such a good idea, but we got a game out of it didn’t we? You didn’t think Resident Evil’s amazing writing was anything but true, did you? It’s too good to be false!

*Update* 2008

World of Warcraft has nearly destroyed the PC gaming industry and has allowed Blizzard to create a strangle hold over the PC market. Luckily, Blizzard is having trouble breaking into the console market, which has allowed the llamas and myself to continue our fight against their evil demon ways. Sadly, World of Warcraft transforms 8 out of 9 players into zombies and has destroyed many families.