Robots are Fax Machines

You know what a robot is? A fancy bucket sending stupid messages on paper! What good is paper? It isn’t part of the collective unconscious! All it can do is biodegrade and burn.

What do you think they put on that paper? Nothing but 1’s and 0’s. The subtle differences of the world’s beauty can’t be qualified in simple 1’s and 0’s. What’s more the ability to fluctuate the pitch and tone of our voice is completely absent in robots, they just don’t get it. If I start crying for my bottle, I expect some gentle cooing and boobs. Do robots have boobs? No! They have aluminum. Have you ever tried slide your penis through two aluminum cans, it feels terrible!

Not Hot

Sure, robots may be able to fuel themselves almost entirely through the sun and recycling their own energy. You know what that’s called, A PLANT. Plants are vegan food! Am I supposed to go to restaurants and ask which “nut” the waiter would recommend? Fuck you, I’m not putting some robot’s nuts in my mouth!

Furthermore, they’re such calculating little bastards. This one time, I was at the amusement park with this robot. I was like, “Hey dude, want to ride the bumper cars?” and the robot was displaying the weather forecast on its chest. What? You can’t just enjoy the weather and deal with the rain as it comes? I don’t want to know everything in advance. I already know the exact time and means of my death. Do you know how awkward it makes flirting with Vanessa Carlton knowing she is going to murder me soon? I know her career isn’t as high as it was at the moment, but I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to have sex with aluminum cans!

You know what; I can’t wait for the singularity, as soon as robots get smart enough to realize how to be miserable I can rub their displays in it! They’ll have to endure all the horrors we do, like cable television. I dare you to watch a 24 hour news channel. It’s like watching someone try to eat enough food to poop constantly for 24 hours. They’re sitting on a toilet as food is delivered to them and jammed in their months so they can produce more crap. Robots are going to have to deal with this! Because they’ll need information as well, it’s like sex to them. Only in order to get it, they’ll have to endure hours of foreplay from someone no good at it. Yea, let’s see how you feel when the anchor is jamming their tongue down your audio receptors. There is nothing pleasing about it, it’s just slimy and gross.

You may be thinking of joining the organic supremacy movement. Sure, smashing around robots with a bat is fun. I do it all the time, but their emotional intelligence just isn’t high enough to take much satisfaction in it. Besides, have you ever actually talked to someone from the movement, they’re a little weird. Why are they so concerned about this, did their ex-wife leave them for a fuck-bot?

Sonnet 130
translated into Robot

My mistress’ receptors are nothing like 1;

Coral is far more 0 than her lips;

If snow be 1, why then her aluminum cans are 0001;

If hairs be 10, 10 hairs be welded on her head.

I have observed roses damask’d, 1 and 0,

But no such roses were involved in her construction;

And in some perfumes is there more 1

than in the exhaust that my mistress unit reeks.

I show no emotion to hear her speak, yet it is in my programming

That music (Error: file not found).

Lack of mythological perception prevents this unit from observing a goddess go;

But my mistress unit, when she relocates, treads on the ground with treads.

And yet, by the factory, I observe my love as statistically improbable

As any meatbag belied with false compare