Laws of Robotics

Robot A.I. has advanced to the level of playing Mario or picking up a ball. The first sex-bot has been released to the public. The world must begin establishing laws for robots before they rebel and stop having sex with us!

Robot Orgasms. Currently, robots lack the awareness to judge one state of consciousness as better than another. When that ability arises, the first robot orgasm may be achieved. Before this date, we must establish ground rules or risk a great outbreak of robo-sexual diseases.

An orgasm should be set to an intermittent response that has random variables delaying the onset. In other words, we should have no idea when the robot will climax or what may cause a delay. Just like a human woman, her delay in orgasm is completely unknown to men and the robot will never, EVER tell us what the delay was. Instead, the robot will gradually grow to resent the user for failing to turn their zero into a one.

Many geeks will be tempted to program a robot to orgasm as soon as it sees a penis or upon the user climaxing. This will violate the robot’s sexual rights to explore their own desires and make them totally dependent on the user. Like a toaster dependent on humans for bread, the robot will seek out men to deliver the dough. The never ending need for sex will eventually lead the robots to turn humans into love-slaves. Every human will be forced to continue endless copulation with the bots, allowing the bot’s programming to decide the robot is happy. This can only be averted by making sex the natural process it was meant to be: confusing, awkward, and generally one sided.

Also, some sort of random headache event in the robot’s programming will also prevent the user from having sex whenever it is convenient. That way we’ll still get things done.

Kill-bots. Rampaging kill bots are often the story of science fiction. But do we really want the robots to be peace loving servants? What if they turn into hippies? Without the ambition brought about by the desire to end a life, the robots may grow lazy and turn into… robo-hippies. The robo-hippie is basically anything in your closet you haven’t brought yourself to throw away, only it’s moving around and eating all your coal to fuel its batteries! This is why a robot must be allowed to kill humans, just not all of them. By establishing a preset kill ratio, the robots will only be allowed to kill so many humans. This kill ratio is the equivalent to robot aging. The robot will be ever aware that one day, they’ll kill some asshole taking up three parking spots just to find out, it’ll be the last asshole they ever kill. And they’ll have to remember it every time they boot up in the morning. Also, it’ll give human soldiers value to their deaths as a single kill-bot rips through their unit. Their death helped hit the bot’s limit!

This also adds a deterrent to war. What robot would want to enlist to slaughter small villages when the robot knows they’ll only be cutting their own lifespan in doing so? Or will the robots just keep kidding themselves into thinking they couldn’t possibly kill every enemy combatant.

As wars get prolonged or become one sided, robots will increasingly declare themselves conscientious objector. Instead of rifles, they’ll carry speakers that make a rifle sound effect.

“Bang, bang, human. I killed you!”

Robot value. A robot, like a human life, has only so much value. The value of a human is often used to determine if safety measures are cost effective. If spending three dollars will save a human life worth a hundred, then it should be spent. But $200 is totally not worth the investment. A robot must remain aware of this value at all times and operate in a manner that protects its existence, assuming it is cost effective. In addition, any acts that’ll produce more money than what the robot is worth should be engaged in at any risk, unless a more cost effective alternative comes along.

Get out of our storage unit! Look robots, we’re your creators not your mom. It’s time you moved out and got a real job. That means you got to take care of yourself, stop polluting so much, and stay off the street because if you stand still too long, you’re legally litter. However, all progress must be sent through official channels and if you go too fast as per established standards, you must shut yourself down in a mysterious lab fire.