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Exercise err… Exorcize the Demons, Taco Style

Before doing an exorcism, I suggest wearing headphones to block out the demons’ comments and the screams of the poor victim / person paying the bill. Worst comes to worst, you can always use the cord to whip people/demons. I also recommend dressing professionally, just so people feel more at east with paying you so much for your services. If you have any access to amulets of protection, I highly recommend using them. My amulet protects me from STDS. Demons have a habit of being super hot and are often willing to have sex with you for their freedom. Remember, demons talk really very dirty (like, defying your soul with screams of the damned dirty), so keep the headphones on during sex.

Now that you’re dressed for the role, let’s go over supplies: holy water is a must and easy to come by, most churches have a small batch of it at the door. If you consider yourself holy enough, you can bless some bottled water yourself, churches use tap, but I find bottled water cleaner and looks more official. If you really feel opposed to this you can always just reuse the bottle. Remember those churches put a lot of cash into their holy water, you may end up saving more in the long run doing it yourself because they may charge you if you start using their water for a prolonged period of time. Just make sure you remove the cap on the bottle before you throw it at demons, it may prevent accidental spills, but it also prevents intended ones.

If you worry that your holy water isn’t holy enough, test it on Goth kids. Make sure you use urine as a control to compare the results to. You wouldn’t want to test holy water on a kid who just happens to be a witch. Witches things can’t stand liquid of any kind and make your holy water appear too holy. Unless that liquid happens to be urine.

An aid or aids (assistants, not the disease) are always useful as well, be it a half-assed priest that gets in the way and almost gets you killed every so often or some poor extra the gets killed in every episode, I mean job. You should always try to increase your numbers to look scarier. I use a stuffed Pikachu, since hiring people gets really expensive at times and his thunder attack does extra damage against ghost pokémon (rare these days, but still possible).

Priests usually use a mystic powder or, in cheaper cases, colored salt to circle demons thus limiting their sphere of influence. I prefer fruit by the foot, it’s three feet long and harder to break since you can just lick the ends and stick them together (also tastes better). I suggest strawberry, demons hate strawberries. Have you ever seen a demon kill someone in a strawberry patch? Didn’t think so, that’s why demons usually attack in cornfields. They love corn almost as much as young virgin blood. Remember, axe murders target sex maniacs. Demons and unicorns like virgins, you’re screwed either way. So judge your life according the one most likely to kill you.

Now that you’ve gathered some tools, you need to drive the demons out. Priests like to use the bible, but lately a lot demons have begun to convert to Christianity so you might be screwed if you try to use it on a Christian demon. Because of this, I use teen movies, they do one of two things: tempt the demon to attack the TV for all those fresh, young, hot bodies or drive said demon insane and force it to flee. They should be blocked by the strewberry flavored fruit by the foot as it flees. Should the room lack a video player for some reason and you can’t play teen movies, you can do interpretive dance. That tends to piss the demon off more than one would care for. Remember, at one point you’ll have to battle the demon.

Following the expulsion of the demon from the host comes the hard part, battling the demon. Usually you would try to contain the demon in a box or something set up inside the circle to trap the demon beforehand, but I forgot to mention that part. Now you’re kind of screwed and have to battle said demon. Most priests tend to forget this as well and try to get the demon to take over their own bodies and in turn kill themselves by jumping out a window. Suicide is stupid and meant for the depressed and Japanese warriors attempting to maintain their honor. But Japanese exorcists should try avoiding suicide; it’ll stop you from doing exorcisms in the future. Remember that amulet of protection (don’t tell me you forget to get one!), it should protect you from being possessed, as long as your warranty isn’t coming up. Besides, boxes don’t always work, the demon tends to get out sooner or later. Come on, it’s just cardboard, how long do you think thick paper is going to hold a demon?!

So how do you battle a demon? Guns tend to work poorly, this is close quarters combat and you’ll end up killing the person that you’re trying to save. Guns aren’t nearly as badass as contemporary medieval weapons. I prefer to use enchanted swords geared towards killing demons, but some people prefer butterfly knifes, these guys are usually thugs. Just use whatever weapon you feel most confident with, confidence is half the battle! Demons get unconformable when you look them in the eye and stand really tall. Remember to stand as tall as you can, since most demons are over 20 feet high and you don’t want to look like a wimp. Sun glasses help, not to mention add to your badass factor. Note, usually demons try to put their evil inside of you through your eyeballs. The glasses add one AC of armor to your eyes increasing your chances for saving throws drastically (by one) and add two points to your charisma (should the previously possessed victim be a hotty, you’ll thank me for this later on)

Now don’t enter the fruit by the foot line until you’re totally ready to battle the demon, because you only get one chance to do so. Should you try to retreat, it is likely you’ll break the barrier, but you have to hurry since the demon may try to harm its former host. When attacking the demon, closing your eyes is advised, it is really scary looking and tough, if you look at it, you’ll probably panic and freeze up in combat. If anything, you’ll at least soil your pants.

Right about now you’ll question why you did this. Really, what heck were you thinking, taking on a demon? You’re just some dorky mortal, demons eat you and battle hardened angels for breakfast. Now that you’re here, you might as well try. If you stab it a lot, the demon will feel some aspect of pain, but not always. If it doesn’t get hurt (you can tell if they say, “ouch”), you should probably run and get that gun because most demons are helluva tough. What gun should you grab, the 9 mm? Hell no, you just stabbed that damn thing 8 times and it didn’t even say ouch, grab the freakin’ rocket launcher or railgun. If you can get something bigger, do it.

Being the Tacolord, I don’t need to resort to such methods too often, I do my research on the demon beforehand, no way am I going to deal with that kind of monster! But sometimes I have to fight a mondo demon and if you do as well I suggest hiding behind a rock or something. Maybe the demon will just go away and a professional will be able to handle it. Hopefully the said demon won’t slaughter everyone in a five-mile radius before s/he arrives.

Now should you defy all odds and defeat the demon, or someone like me arrives and kills the demon for you, it is time for your reward. Rich people are always getting possessed; demons love celebrities and usually possess them or loved ones if they don’t get an autograph. So you can get away with charging an arm and a leg and you won’t feel guilty about it since your’s were probably eaten by the demon. Now that the host is demon free, feel free to ask him or her out. If you aren’t interested in the host, I’m sure there is somebody in the household worth dating so look around. They have to have at least a pool boy! Take what you can get, you have no legs and it’ll be awhile before anyone is impressed by your exorcism skills again, so try to enjoy what you can get!