Vampires are class acts. A lot of people are all about zombies, but those people couldn’t figure out how to entertain their mother. People like that are called zombie material, because they’re always the first to die when the zombies attack.
Let’s look at how a vampire comes over to kill you. They’re considerate and call ahead to make plans to meet with you, otherwise you end up all over town just missing each other. If you really want, they can do it while you are sleeping, which requires no effort or running on your part. You just don’t wake up one morning.
Zombies get several thousand other zombies and storm your house. Even if you lock the doors and pretend not to be home, the zombies will stand outside and wait for you to come back. They could be there for weeks, ruining your lawn and destroying property values. If you try to leave, you have to outrun the zombies that’ll never stop chasing you! They never get tired or bored of doing the same thing. Vampires are notorious for always being bored and are willing to put things off another 100 years.
Second, vampires have fashion sense. Whether they’re large breasted women in a skimpy leather outfit or large breasted women in whatever vampirella wears, they’re always class acts.
You’ll be lucky if a zombie actually gets dressed before they die. Their outfits are always beat up, covered in human bio fluid, and zombie rot. When were they killed, while riding the bus? What’s worse, that’s the only outfit they’ll ever wear. They never change it, not even their underwear! Also, why does it look like zombies have never used makeup or a facial cleanser?
A vampire is even neat when it eats you. At worst, they get a bit of blood on their chin. Zombies get intestines all over the place, intestines full of poop! The zombies don’t even wash your organs first, they don’t care about eating poop. Imagine what their breath smells like?! A vampire even brushes their teeth, they have to think about their fangs after all. A vampire can keep their teeth pearly white for a 1000 years, even when they were born before toothpaste. That is something a human can barely do with mouthwash. Have you ever even seen a zombie brush? Of course not, they don’t care about hygiene!
Even in housing, vampires are better. They live in countryside castles or well decorated condos if they’re in the city. They even provide their own coffin, on account of being dead. A zombie lives on the street. That’s right, they’re homeless. Occasionally, they’re locked in the basement because their parents are sick of seeing them. Zombies are bums, they refuse to get real jobs and are always bothering people on the street for brain handouts. Go to college and get your own brains! Even worse, if you buy a zombie a coffin, the assholes will break it!
Both creatures depend largely on biting. Zombie bites are gory, pulling away tendons and ripping the area apart. Since zombies usually don’t feed alone, they’ll rip pieces off your body in hopes of hoarding what they can. A vampire leaves two small holes in your skin. You can cover that with a bandage and you may survive. Even if you don’t, you’ll still get an open casket funeral.
When a zombie finishes eating, they’ll poop pretty much anywhere. Zombies aren’t even potty trained! Not only does a vampire use the bathroom, but they’ll play soft music in the background so no one can hear the bowel movement.
Most important of all, the babes. Vampire babes are always having sex with someone. I don’t think I’ve seen a vampire movie without a naked vampire. Zombie babes aren’t nearly as attractive. Sure, there is always one in a movie wandering around naked but she generally doesn’t care about sex. She’s just like every other zombie, trying to get some flesh in her mouth. If a zombie does have sex, she’ll sexual transmit her zombieness to you! Vampires don’t have any STDs, not even gonorrhea.
During Zombie sex, parts are always falling off inside orficies and you can never tell if the moan is one of pleasure or just a general zombie moan. And you know what, they’re selfish lovers. I said it! You’d think with inexhaustible endurance they’d get the job done, but they just don’t care about your emotions or your sex drive!
I think the conclusion is pretty clear, vampires are way better than zombies.
Vampirella Image courtesy of Harris Comics, all rights reserved.
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