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You know what love is? It’s when a female looks at a male and doesn’t see him as a means to pay for dinner or satisfy some bestial urge. In short, love is the end of the world! Imagine if people hired employees based on love? Nothing would get done and we’d all die in horribly constructed vehicles, like supras.

Some people have accused me of not believing in love, oh I believe. It’s only one of the most dangerous things in the world. Back in the 60’s, hippies had so much love the planet was nearly knocked into the sun! But like any great power, love eventually turned on the hippies and ripped out their insides and stuffed them into bongs, forcing the surviving hippies to smoke the entrails. It was a gruesome sight for a generation not desensitized by the internet and police dramas.

Now love is making a comeback and threatening to love you long time!

Look at this guy, just giving away love? He might as well have a sample tray of hand grenades located on a busy street! Where’s the free market capitalism? Who is controlling the standards of hugs? Most of all, what kind of qualifications does this guy have to be giving out “hugs.” I bet he doesn’t even have a degree!

Sure, it may start all innocent enough. A hug here or there. Pretty soon the people who got a free hug are giving other people free hugs. Eventually the hugs evolve into dancing hugs, where you hold on for way too long but kind of dance around so it seems appropriate and then the bomb hits the orphanage, an old lady kisses a stranger on the cheek.

Love is infectious, if love isn’t stomped out by hatred or apathy within sixty minutes, the chances of love spreading to someone else is better than falling into a moleman pit to the center of the earth! Muffin shrapnel, I’ve been to the center of the earth enough times to know, that is a pretty serious threat. None of that passive aggressive, anonymous coworker peeing in your coffee email threat.

Don't think love is a threat yet, just look at this picture, made with love!

How am I supposed to power my house with this? There are no plans for harnessing the power of the sun here! Not a single note on growing potatoes, there is nothing here! Nothing but a cuddly land of love! Everyone knows engineers can’t invent if they’re in love. Hating everything is 90% of engineering! They’re always designing things to be way more complex just so they can reinvent their stuff later on. The wheel alone has been reinvented at least 50 times!

Even artists, the people decorating our bathrooms, are never inspired while in love. Could you imagine going to the bathroom without art? The walls would be clean and the only thing we’d have to read would be journalism! That’s the news!

If you thought being inspired by love was bad, look at a photo of people actually in love.

Notice how there is a total lack of filthy homeless people being washed. The couple aren’t even buying one an air freshener! There is no benefit to society here, let alone to me! How am I supposed to eat if they spend the entire day in a paddle boat? Excuse me, couldn’t one of you fish or something and catch me some lunch? I mean, I won’t eat something out of a filthy lake, but I’m sure some bum would.

Their love doesn’t only destroy society, it also destroys the environment. XKCD totally admits driving like, 700 miles just to hug some chick. That hug may have left a footprint in her heart, a shame it was made of CARBON!

The world is in danger! We must not merely dam up the river of love, but evaporate all of its waters! The world must never love again!