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The Tale of Lumberjack Colbert

One day there was a cable news host, his name was Stephen Colbert. During breakfast he feasted on nails so he may fire them from his nostrils at people he did not care for. However, his busy schedule of saving kittens and making out with super models only allowed him to nail half the city of New York and felt a bit fat.

“I should spend the afternoon deforesting our nation, like the mighty lumberjack forefathers,” Colbert said.

With that Colbert jumped into his flatbed truck which held over 20 SUVs, all of them running, and drove to the nearest forest. At the outskirts of a mighty forest he inhaled the pine fumes and said, “How beautiful. The smell of a future highway!”

With that, Colbert threw tomahawks into trees, slashed through birch with chainsaws, and eventually grew bored with such primitive tools and punched the rest the plants so hard they turned into 2x4 lumber. Not a single filthy, savage tree survived the purge! Every broken arm a child sustained from falling from a climb and every car crushed by a knocked over trunk was avenged in one glorious workout!

< A card made to celebrate Stephen’s victory over brutal nature.>

With each animal Colbert found, he ripped out their insides and made a giant fur coat. All the organs and meat he didn’t eat were turned into jerky which he sold to aliens for a great profit and turned their lame probing civilization into a proud people of men!

He planned to wear the new fur coat should the nights get cold, but Colbert worked up such a sweat, the world temperature increased over 20 degrees and all the icecaps melted. Now that the ocean was a mere few yards from his location he could drive to the beach and cool off with a swim.

When the landscape sat barren five hours after he started, Stephen looked across the wasteland with his trimmed abs and butt and said, “Something is missing.” So Stephen called the government and solved another one of their many problems and had all the nuclear waste shipped to the area and buried where it would never harm anyone, over ten feet underground! He accepted the money from the generous government contract and sold all the lumber to Columbians that wanted to make birdhouses to sell in America. Satisfied no eagle should again go homeless due to their rapidly decreasing environment he decided it was time to drive home. He only had to refuel his SUVs and flatbed truck a few times. One clerk gave Colbert incorrect change and Colbert punched that kid so hard, his mother died. After these expenses were handled, Colbert still had enough money left over to buy and rip down a nearby opera house that was keeping him awake at night with their insensible racket.

The next day he was well rested, fit, and ready to nail the world. Which he did, by kicking the moon so hard, it turned into a giant nail. With another kick, Colbert fired the nail into the planet and was forever known as the lumberjack that nailed the world!

An intern of Colbert's office responded to the little girl's card!

Dear Kid,

If you are blowing fire that means you’re exhaling. For future reference, "ex-" goes out like the mother that leaves to get ice cream but never comes back. In is where the sorrow is, inside your heart.

Yours Truly,

The Office of Stephen Colbert