RUNNING HEAD: INFLUENCE AND POSSIBLE CURES OF COOTIES

Influence and Possible Cures of Cooties on a Willing (Not Kidnapped) Participant

Taco O. Lord

The Taconian Academy

August, 2005

Abstract

The early history of man is as tragic as it was awesome. Both ninja and samurai kicked all the butts that existed. But the female war machine was created which caused the cootie outbreak. Our study examines the cootie and how it influences those infected. With the help of a participant we exposed to cooties from a medical waste facility, we observed the infection and attempted treatment. We found cooties develop individuality and kill themselves if separated from females for too long. It seems pink, frilly things both feed and keep the cootie in an oppressed and obedient state. This research may lead to the next step in the surge against the female armies and a possible cure for the cootie.

Influence and Possible Cures of Cooties on a Willing (Not Kidnapped) Research Participant

About 10 million years ago, samurai and ninja ruled the world. Only the world was called "A Taco" back then. So the samurai and ninja actually ruled a taco. The two factions battled each other fiercely. The samurai believed in a strict code of ethics, but the ninja wanted to do whatever they wanted. Sources report the ninja originally merely protested the rules peacefully. However, no one saw or heard the ninja, as that is what ninja do. The war continued for 40 billion years, though not in a straight line from past to future, but with curves, circles, and this strange moment when everyone went to the 1980’s three times so they could team up with two other versions of themselves, battle the other faction, and be their own grandfather, father, and mother. During this war the dinosaurs were accidentally killed off so they would never exist, a fact the government covers up to this day.

Neither faction really minded the fighting until Motacoshi threw a ninja so hard at the ground that gravity was created and the world stopped being flat, the samurai realized this war would eventually force them to memorize a lot of new continents and decided something had to be done to stop it. A factory was constructed with the ability to mass produce weapons of mass butt kicking and possessed the convenience of being able to relocate to other areas to further hunt the ninja after purging all the arcades and clubs the samurai liked to hang out in. The factories themselves were biological sacks placed on the chests of a new species called “females.” These bio sacks would mass produce “cooties” a weapon that was a mixture of virus, parasite, and bacteria. These females would often hide outside ninja encampments and would infect stealth assassins with “air kisses” often fired from over a mile away.

Cootie Sack Recon

To the samurai’s horror, cootie outbreaks occurred in all the cool samurai hangouts. It would seem an error occurred in the female programming. Originally, females were designed to destroy everything totally sweet, the females figured samurai to be totally awesome and thus capable of performing sweet feats. If capable of doing sweet feats, those feats would be, “totally sweet,” and therefore samurai must be purged.

The samurai and the ninja decided on an alliance to defeat the females. However, the samurai did not attend the first meeting because they were blown into another date in time by the females. The females would vibrate two sacs similar to the cootie sacs, but lower and on their posterior. The vibrations were so quick that a rip in space and time occured and sucked up the samurai. The ninja were too fast for both space and time and managed to dodge both and still attended the meeting because ninja, although chaotic, are punctual.

Today, the decedents of both samurai and ninja, boykind, continue to battle the females in pre-approved war zones called, “playgrounds.” Boykind has employed the use of sticks, stones, and names of the butt or "vibro-time sacs" that may not hurt physically, but do irreversible damage to the psyche. The females however, have shown much greater resolve in this battle and have dawned rubber armor and splashed our comrades with glue. Often reflecting many of our most deadly insults back towards us where they would then stick, untold numbers of operatives have resorted to cyanide after being afflicted with the insecurities of the ass. Recently, through our pornographic sources under the bed, we have discovered females have begun constructing “nuclear nipples” on the most leathal of all females, Erica Campbell. A mixture of female and goblin technology. Most devastating of all, these females have employed the use of giants referred to as “parents” to imprison our comrades in “rooms” with video games to brainwash and weaken our fellow fighters. Rumors of women breeding with sunlight to create bears in the so called “womb” are unconfirmed.

If boykind is to survive, we must develop the technology to counteract the female advancements and stop relying solely on our superior warrior skills to contend with the superior female tactical skills.

Taco during one of his epic battles against females

In the research of Colbert (2005), the experimenter isolated the cootie and began yelling mean things at it. However, no means could be found to destroy the cootie. Indian burns, swirlies, and using nanomachines to place underpants onto the cootie so it may later be wedgied seem to have little or no influence on the cootie.

We hope to expand on the research of Colbert (2005), by attempting to isolate a victim of the cooties to document the stages of the virus in a controlled laboratory setting and also determine how long a cootie can survive without access a cootie sack. We also wish to expand on the research of Brahe and Gabe (1996); the researchers attempted to determine the lifespan of a female and determined them to be immortal, living well past 30 years old.

Methods

Participants

Our earlier intention was to infect numerous monkeys with the cooties for study. However, the one monkey we could afford was adorable and quickly stole the hearts of the research staff. After we taught it to dance and dressed it like a pirate, no one could inject cooties into the sweet creature, expect for astronomers, those bastards have no love for any life on taco. So we recruited a graduate student, a 21 year old white male from a local state college with the aid of a van and several ski masks. Seeing how the participant decided to make the poor life decision to be a grad student and attend a state university, we decided it was probably for the best that he be exposed to the sweet escape of death instead of someone with something to lose.

 

Apparatus

The participant was held in a 15 foot deep, 25 by 25 foot hole in the ground, similar to a “dorm room.” These dorms act as holding cells used by female forces between torture sessions of manly-men folk. The room was lightly decorated with no thought to taste as per standard fraternity specifications.

Design and Procedure

We obtained permission for the experiment from APA (acting prince of ethics), Machiavelli. After recruiting the participant and placing a black bag over his face, the participant was placed into a large tub of medical waste from cootie implants. These implants are often used to increase the size of the cootie sacks to improve cootie production. Infection was confirmed before continuing with the experiment. The participant was then lowered into the hole with the assistance of gravity. Meals were delivered in a basket, cleaning administered through a hose, and periodic blood samples were taken with a blow dart attached to a string. Progression of the infection was documented by two observers, who watched the participant from the top of the participant’s room and their conclusions were reviewed by a third party through video taped recordings of the experiment.

 

The Participant

 

Results

A one-way ANOVA was performed on the greatness of this experiment and a significant relationship was found to exist, F(2,54) = 62.41, p < .00005. Through a pairwise comparison, a relationship was found between the sweet and awesome variables, t(1) = 700, p < .0005.

For means, see table 1.

Shortly after infection, the subject began to feel intense bouts of pleasure and would frequently please himself sexually. He would often state this to be the greatest moment of his life. These results were shocking to the experimenters who suspected they may have mistakenly infected the participant with an item besides the cooties. Luckily, we held off putting down the participant in the interest of further observation. For within 36 hours of infection, he began complaining of a female. He had difficulties remembering the female’s name, but expressed feelings of “love” for her. When questioned about this “love,” the participant described it as unicorns and rainbows. This love must be truly terrifying indeed. We considered a mercy killing, but in the name of science we pushed on with the experiment. The participant also stated his heart ached, as if it was kicked in the testicles, which apparently hearts have.

We contacted the participant’s parents and friends to find this female’s name. We did not have much to go on since the subject could not give any specific details which would identify her. She was some sort of radiant angel, she saved him from some sort of awful fate that he claimed we were doomed for. He used other cliché and over used poetic terms as well, all of which were of no help. The parents were difficult to work with and attempted to stand in the way of our research with a missing persons report and calls to the police. However, according to his parents and friends, the participant did NOT know any angels and had little to no contact with the females. Around 40 hours into infection, the participant become very horny so we offered him a "Whipped Cream Monthly" but he turned it down. The participant’s sanity appears questionable, never before had any male been recorded turning down naked cat girls covered in delicious, mouthwatering cream.

On day five of the infection, the participant began to sink deep into depression. His ability to speak also began to degrade. It appears the participant is unable to complete a sentence without using at least three of the following words: “Bedsheets, heart, ache, soul, shattered, broken, cold, frozen, girl, love, kiss, cheek, angel, pain, god, bright-eyes, or Ralph.”

The observers have started complaining, claiming listening to the participant has become a painfully annoying process. The participant constantly repeats previously mentioned words in endless, nonsensical rants. As time progresses, the participant’s use of other words seems to become rarer. The experimenters attempted to have the participant define simple words, like orthopedic, to determine if the participant still remembered the meaning of other words or simply lost them. The participant showed little ability to define these words. Training the participant to improve his vocabulary seemed fruitless; much of the progress gained was lost in a few hours time. Frustrated, the experimenters gagged the participant with one of the monkey’s diapers. The participant continues to express himself by writing a similar poem onto the walls over and over again, though the word order varies slightly each time. At one point, the experimenters grew bored and put the participant in a pink dress.

During day six, the experimenters enjoyed a nice refreshing “Spaz,” the drink that does not kill you with only one can... anymore. Feeling energized by the massive amount of energy given to us by the only soft drink powered by platinum, we felt ready to face the world of science with even more vigor and cancer!

On day seven, upon examining the cooties we have made a startling discovery, they create a biological waste product that is similar to pudding, and who does not love pudding? Filthy, comedian terrorists who hate America and make jokes through observations of the world is who! Come on, who has not noticed the airlines suck by now! This pudding goo seems to be the source of the participant's pleasure. However, the participant has not expressed a feeling of joy in over two days; we are examining his blood with science stuff to see if he has developed an immunity towards the goo. On another note, the participant's hair is now meticulously un-kept, he wears thick glasses, and a sweeter vest. When asked why he made this change, he called us conformist bastards who do not understand the meaning of pain. The participant was mysteriously knocked out following the comment.

On day thirteen, the cootie count of the participant appeared to be decreasing rapidly. Along with this decrease in cooties, the participant’s weight appeared to be dropping quickly as his paranoia increased. The participant refused the vegan meals of vegetables and dirt, accusing us of spitting in it. Granted we were, but he had no means of knowing we were actually doing so. His rants of the mystery female have increased and are becoming even more difficult to understand. The participant claims this female has the ability to decrease the temperature with her “shoulders.” After doing so, she allegedly ripped out the participant's heart and smashed it on a dirty floor covered in dust created from her apathy. The female proceeded to stomp, chew, and otherwise abuse said heart. When she finished, she engaged in intercourse, with a bear and two zombies as an astronomer observed, on top of the heart's remains. In a final assault on the participant’s person, the female took one of the shards of frozen heart and drove it into the participant’s soul, forever scaring it.

We are unsure if females have actually gained the power of temperature control, but it would explain why women are always taking off their shirts in the pornography reports because of a sudden increase of temperature of the room. The news of their decreased fear of blood and guts, allowing females to remove a human heart with their tiny bare hands, could become a disturbing blow to boykind, for the icky insides of a boy were one of the few defenses we had left. If there is any truth to this report, it could mean doom for the entire taco! We are unsure how the participant is able to live without his heart, since it seems necessary for pumping blood. Further research will be preformed in this area, if he has managed to find a replacement for his heart, this improved battle ability may give us a great advantage in the war on females.

We are unsure of the cause of the cootie disappearance nor where the bodies are located should the cooties be dead. The participant’s speech has gotten worse; the only time he speaks is complain about his heartache. Regrettably, he never stops speaking. The participant has started wearing a gas attendant’s jacket, which he soaked in gasoline, we have no idea how he acquired it. He has also started smoking heavily and his male traits seem to be rapidly disappearing. He no longer plays video games, flexes his muscles randomly, or expresses a desire to kill things. It would appear the participant is becoming gender neutral aside from his desire to “cuddle" with this mysterious girl.

A behavior change occurred on day 15; the participant seems to be expressing mild joy and has stopped ranting about his heart. We took this opportunity to steal an unwashed sweater vest while he was distracted. He attempted to take back the vest by biting at it and pulling against the fishing wire used to restrain him with his teeth. The observers were forced to sedate the participant with a blunt object. It appears the cooties have escaped the participant’s body and ran all the way to the sweeter. Which is pretty far for a cootie to go, they are microscopic after all. After inspecting the participant’s body, it appeared the cooties have been escaping from the participant's orifices. The cooties created markings to lead further cootie refugees away from the participant, such as road signs and paths. The inside of the participant, which we examined by cutting the participant several times with large sheets of paper, are several markings. The markings are similar to caveman drawings or those on a bathroom wall and seem to be from the cooties: counting the days since their imprisonment, plots of escape, prayers to the great goddess, and lots of bad comments about the participant including crude yet humorous pictorials. It would appear the change of clothing was meant to halt the escape of the cooties, not establish himself as an individual. The observers also discovered the ability to commutate with the remaining cooties by giving the participant a pink belly. The cooties write messages with white markings within the irritated flesh; we are continuing to examine this area with daily pink bellies. By the way, it would seem cooties have a fondness for plaid miniskirts. The cooties appear more civilized than previously thought, if only the females could learn from the weapons they mass produced.

Day 16, Bonus!

 

On day 17 the cooties began to commit mass suicide. The participant entered a never ending state of sorrow and cried constantly. We attempted to comfort him, but he demanded we refer to him as Connor and we refused.

With the onset of day 18 and no signs of living cooties, the observers began a process of restoring boylike traits to the participant. We covered the participant in mud, threw footballs at him, forced him to play violent video games, yelled hurtful things at him, and rolled a trashed car into the hole so he may fix it. All efforts have failed, the video games showed a small influence on the participant but he quickly escaped the hypnotic snares of a large breasted elf girl firing a machine that caused her boobs to giggle. We even tried reasoning with the participant, but logic never worked on a individual with balls and we feared castration would only make his condition worse. As a last result, we introduced a clown into his environment. Within moments, the clown attempted to murder the participant. As with most clowns, their bloodlust and creepiness proved too great and we had to destroy it.

During day 20 the experimenters resorted to extreme Behavioral Freudian Techniques. When the participant did manly things, like lifting heavy objects, we rewarded him with images of women mud wrestling with knives. If he did anything else, we fired the taser at him. The participant refused to learn, so we strapped him to a chair and forced him to watch pornographic material. He was forced to endure the horrors of all the female weaponry, even the dreaded female combination technique, similar to Voltron, the females lock together with pink and purple rods to form a more powerful weapon. It was hoped that forcing him to view these war crimes would push him back into sanity. Some of the material was animated, some live, and we experimented with goats. The goats had little influence on the participant. The videos caused many symptoms of fear in the participant: accelerated heart rate, increased blood flow, and sweating. Despite the observer’s fears of the participant suffering a mental breakdown, they pushed on, feeling it may be his only hope.

Hot goat on goat action!

Success was found on day 21, as the spell of the cooties was lifted. The participant claimed life to be black, pointless, and cruel. He then requested to post about it on a blog or forum. His speech had improved greatly in just a single day and he was now able to form entire sentences without once referencing a female or his heart, his vocabulary still remains severally limited. The observers determined the participant was cured of all cooties, although incredibly Goth, and returned him to the real world. We have decided not to do a follow up, on account the subject sucked ass and Goth kids are just as annoying as those cootie infected cry babies. Now with the cure in sight, it is as simple as giving us enough grant money to make it cheap and effective enough for the rich to use safely but still expensive enough so we do not have to deal with those poor folk in the doctor’s office.

During day 25 a mysterious lab fire occurred, destroying any chance of finding evidence of a breach of ethics in this experiment.

Discussion

Our experiment has greatly expanded upon pervious experiments. It would seem that when the cootie is separated from the female, it loses the will the live. According to the research of Onstad (1980), Onstad proposed the cooties survived on pink and frilly things. Which would explain why women are so obsessed with such items and why they put “Hello Kitty” stickers in areas they are about to attack: like our apartment, car, or on items boys carry around routinely to make them more vulnerable to ambushes or corrupt other area without having to risk a female in the process. This "Kitty" is a means to fuel the cootie war machines after the cooties have left the female host. However, it would seem the cootie are capable of rational thought and creative expression. The longer a cootie is separated from the female host, the more free their thinking becomes. Until finally they achieve complete independence and kill themselves. It may be possible to turn the cooties against the females, or perhaps compromise with them. This compromise would prove useful, since a means to kill a cootie efficiently has yet to be found.

Our most interesting finding would have to be the cootie waste product that is similar to pudding. This waste product is what causes the lack of emotional control referred to in laymen’s terms as “love.” This love is actually a chemical addiction to the waste product which forces our boyhood comrades to remain close to the source, a female, in order to keep the cooties alive.

The range a female has to be from the cootie to maintain the creature’s life-force is unknown. But a complete severing of female influences from an infected individual may put the mind into shock and throw the infected into Gothdom after a short period of emoness. A cure for Goth has yet to be found. However, Voltaire, folksong writer and Goth, seems to have managed to be both Goth and awesome. How such a feat was done remains unseen and more research is required.

Some limitations of our experiment occurred. More strict protocols are required when infecting future participants or working with those already infected to prevent confounding variables interfering with the results and to reduce the risk of further infection. Also, more means of treatment must be thought of and practiced to find a more practical and productive means of curing our corrupted comrades from emo symptoms. A greater diversity of participants would also aid in the research of the cooties, who knows what kind of influence cooties have on the elderly, those over 25.

The limitations to our study are far from hindering the merit of the data and further study is necessary to overcome the cooties and female scourge. A possible follow-up could examine the possibilities of locking fretboys with those who have been infected. These ferity members appear to have suffered so much brain damage that the cooties have little influence on them. Such individuals could aid us in finding which regions of the brain are influenced most by the cooties and perhaps find a means to shield the members of our society who are still able to function in it from the cootie attack.

More research must be done on those from boykind who join the female war effort; these individuals appear to have developed their own means of cootie production or at least are able to sustain them by wearing girly clothing and working with a female’s hair. How these traitors are able to survive handling the hair which is often soaked in chemicals capable of destroying the neuronal pathways of those who breathe the odors through the nasal cavity is unknown. Perhaps the cootie grants some sort of resistance to shampoos and performs.

The cootie threat is a great one, but not something we must be destroyed over. We have managed to survive a complete ethnic cleansing at the hands of the female army for over 10 million years. Our use of propaganda tactics alone have bought many years, but photoshopping super hot models into magazines alone is not enough. The evidence of our culture being deluded is obvious by the lack of ninja and samurai in today’s society. Who knows how long before we lose the ninja or samurai way forever. We must not cave into the falsities of hope and continue to strive to defeat the female army! By the way, send us more grant money.

References

Brahe, T. Gabe. (1998). "PA on the Cootie." Penny Manhood, 4, 1-7.

Colbert, S. (2005). "On the Cootie Death." Colbert Bulletin, 17, 300-315.

Freud. "How Many Times have you Drilled your Mother Today?" France: Incest
     Publishing, the Stone Age that is the 1980’s.

Onstad, C. (1980). "Philippe and the Cootie." Acheboard, 70, 1-27

Tacolord. "About the Tacolord." Tacolord.com. The future.  http://www.tacolord.com/.

Table 1