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Overview
Did you know the majority of childcare workers are women? Most of these women have never held a firearm or been in a knife fight. Do you really trust this novice with your genetic legacy? Could she deter a hungry tiger? Does early childhood training teach how to prevent armed rebels from recruiting child soldiers? Do these women know anything about discouraging gang recruitment?

When did having a vagina become the sole requirement for safeguarding the youth? If vaginas are so great, why don’t we just send a bunch to troubled inner-cities? I’ll tell you, because a vagina can’t do anything a door can’t and the ghetto has plenty of doors already!

We at Daycare Mercenary™ realize the world isn’t an ideal place. Political boarders are always under siege from foreigners, rebels, and the liberals giving invaders our house keys. Without our soldiers of fortune keeping M4s over your toddler’s head, something terrible could happen.

Hours
Come and go as you please. Life is pretty chaotic. Just finding the time to swap liquid DNA with someone to build a baby alone is hectic enough. But why does childcare have to be so time consuming? Because our camps operate 24 hours a day, we’re always available to intern your child. Just stop by whenever you want to leave the kid. Don’t worry about extraction; as long as the bill gets paid we’ll do any job.

Baby in a Kevlar Bubble

Tired of your toddler crawling into cross fire? Worry no more with Baby in a Kevlar Bubble (Kevlar bib sold separately)

Education
A lot of daycares say they provide the best enrichment. Cows. Face it, your kid is a security liability. They’re easily abducted because they’re less than 80 pounds and can’t open a cereal box without getting hurt let alone stab an intruder. Daycare Mercenary™ isn’t just about leaving your kid with some stranger, but making sure you kid emerges a bloody testament to survival.
(Note, some children may emerge merely a bloody testament)

Training
Our staff is certified in kicking ass and not asking questions. As long as our payments keep coming in duffle bags filled with unmarked bills, you can be sure your children will remain secured and threats eliminated. One time a client’s ex-husband attempted to pick up the children without establishing the okay with mom in advance and lets just say, dad won’t be picking anyone’s children up ever again.

We also have rock climbing facilities available.