In the late 1990’s, a relatively unheard of society of hunched backed, green creatures known as goblins appeared. Filling the dim, filth filled basements of gamers everywhere; the goblins infiltrated the lowest drags of our society and became one with their people. In the years to follow, goblins would learn everything they knew about assimilating to human society from those least worthy to be called by either term. Thus the goblins became total assholes and generally unwelcomed to all.

Originally, the goblins were created by the magic of Abraham Lincoln as an alternative to slavery. Lincoln quickly realized outsourcing made for much cheaper labor, so the goblins were to remain in his hat. This would be known as the golden age of the goblins. Bits of toast were delivered in the morning and chimney sweeps from the white house roof would throw bits of food onto the top of his hat so it may be collected by goblins later in the evening.

You can tell by the monocle, he's a wizard

Then Lincoln was abducted by aliens while bathing himself in mud, as still common of those from the Midwest, leaving his hat and the rest of his clothing behind. And so the poor goblins and the several other tiny peoples that resided inside his clothing were orphaned. A look alike was quickly found to wear the clothing and he was shortly thereafter murdered. All to cover up the fact that aliens aided the U.S. in the revolution in exchange for tall, weird looking, bearded dudes. One can only assume they probed President Lincoln’s butt. Fearing the goblin orphans would quickly resort to a life of London style orphaning (stealing, writing great novels, and consorting with aliens), the goblins were locked away in the Lincoln tomb, a giant bunker to hide his creation until the world was either ready for the green ones or they killed themselves with the development of nuclear porn stars.(n1)Originally, the bunker was to be burned down like any other orphanage but the burning of Atlanta had put a strain on the fire market, making it cheaper to just lock the goblins away like an unwanted puppy or child. But as fate would have it, the mole people accidentally broke into the Lincoln memorial and the goblins fled into the tunnels to emerge in basements around the world, some taking up names like John Hodgman.(n2)

The goblins were quick to learn even the most difficult of gaming commands like electric wind god fists, just frames, micro management, and Korean economics. However, the goblin social skills began at telling others to “suck a controller” and ended with said controller being thrown at someone’s face. This wouldn’t have posed a problem if not for the parents of the gamers. The parents, demanding more time to spend in their normal alien skin (as all parents are aliens), sent the gamers away to “educational facilities” for brain washing and the goblins were forced to go out into the world.

The female goblins were able to adjust somewhat quickly. Using the powers of their vaginas, the females seduced human men into caring for their needs. The males weren’t so lucky and had to resort to more demeaning labor like baby-napping, stealing organs, and working for G4 television. Some goblins have made successful runs at professional gaming, but because they’re such assholes, no one wanted to give them a shoe deal. One goblin did manage to get his own line of video cards, but his career failed shortly afterwards.

Now we must learn to accept those asshole goblins for who they are. Sure they’re always bitching about something that’s probably their fault and telling everyone about how “high” they are or how much they’ve masturbated today. But what’s the alternative? It isn’t like we can kill them, goblins have clubs. Large ones at that. It’d take some sort of army of werewolves to take them out and is having a bunch of hairy dudes eating our goats and burying our silver really that much better.

Goat eater or Doom after he shaves? Who can tell?

(n1)This technology has currently leaked and the most recent model made public is known as “Erica Campbell” and will probably one day destroy the planet with her nuclear nipples. (return to footnote)

(n2)Why do you think he knows so much about mole people? (return to footnote)