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The Lady of the Taco

What is it about women that holds a bag over the logical thought and reason of men or curious, but confused women? The kind of curiosity at the food court that leads to an upset stomach, sweaty hands, constant pacing with an inability to sleep. All ending in massive diarrhea. Love does, in fact, stink. But remember, fertilizer helps the flowers of love grow. Though it isn’t necessary. The confusion is similar to waking up next to a member of the same sex that you’ve don’t recall ever meeting.

Why do I want this Lady of the Taco? The “Tacolordess.” I have no clue. It seems like a dumb idea to actually create competition for an already contested Taconian crown. Considering my philosophical background, I think I’m supposed to be a hermit, so dating should be against my lifestyle. Oh yea, sex. Duh! Where would man be without sex?

What is the Lady of the Taco? First off boys, she’s a female. Sorry guys, I’ve taken some disgraceful dumps in my time and boy did they hurt. I couldn’t imagine the pain of that sliding in and out. The gay population must be masochistic and I know a little bit about painful sex, I’ve dated girls into crucifixion. You don’t just walk funny in the morning, Katarina's magic missile, you don’t even make eye contact. You just eat your toast and cry a little. I may make an exception for Jet Li, that guy is awesome. Anyone who doesn’t think Jet Li is an attractive guy is either too gay to know it or racist!

Before I get into details, I must warn my readers that although I try to maintain my independence. I have been influenced by my adaptive ninja upbringing, this is largely due to the fact they are always watching and you never know from where. As such, it’s hard to sneak stuff past them, let alone break curfew.

Let’s get into the dirty business, the rating scale. Every human has a scale of items he or she compares all potential mates to, conscious of it or not. Because of this, first glances are usually based solely on sex appeal. The easiest scale to mark due to our genetic and social upbringing dominating our eye’s sight. However, this scale is usually the most superficial of all our mental scales due to our ease of marking it. So, a relationship based on this is iffy in the regards to a happy continuation of it. We just don’t know if the two of us are compatible. This is often why the early stages of love are basically the partner fulfilling certain desires to arouse chemical stimulation in their partner, when the stimulation stops so does the relationship.

Below is a chart of how I rate women upon appearance. As you can tell, there isn’t a lot of room for humans on this scale. And the only human women that I’ll even consider dating are between 5 and 7. Should an elf girl enter the room, I don't even see humans anymore. Unfortunately (so claim those around me), my mind has been warped by years of video games and RPGs resulting in my libido being dominated by far more animated women than actual real ones. I’m sure Freud would love me, probably an over developed Oedipus complex that resulted in too much fear of retribution from my father and a hatred/fear of him that carried over to my mother who looked exactly like him in a ninja mask, resulting in a desire for women completely different from my mother. I do have a weird ninja fetish though, but I think that’s normal.

Dating modifiers or Beauty Sub-Scale.

These are the underlying factors that have a huge influence in my selection for mates. Most require getting to know the person, others are just weird influences that I may not be able to explain. This creates a secondary score, that if high enough will “bump” the woman to the next level.

Charisma is basically what it sounds like. It effects how charming I think you are. Most people consider charming individuals better company than attractive ones. Also, in lab studies with various species of animals, females who flirt are considered more attractive through their flirting. As such, a higher charisma score usually improves your ability to flirt.

Conversation and other interactions. Basically how entertaining I find your company to be and how much I seek your conversation. Humans tend to talk about similar interests, so actually having something in common will greatly aid in dialectics. Other interactions refers to activities involving multiple people, like a board game. Someone with a high interactions score is often one you attempt to involve in group activities when they arise.

The chill factor, often an overlooked social skill. The ability to “chill” is weird because the better you are at it, the more difficult it is to notice it. Not because people don’t enjoy it, rather it’s difficult to appreciate the calm without the storm. A great chiller is one who is enjoyable to have around when you aren’t doing anything or doing your own thing. Often writers will hang out with others of high chill factor to get work done, but only seek company should they need a break. Thus the chiller isn’t seen unless you want to see them. This is annoying when you want to find a select chiller, because they may be currently unseen with another person. Sadly for the chillers, most people find it difficult to understand “the chillness.” So they attempt to “hoard” chillers or force them to do things, which is far from chilling. This usually upsets the chiller, a person who tries to avoid being upset at most times. The chiller may be accused of being cold or not putting enough effort into a relationship, even though a chiller may not put much effort into anything.

Authority, basically an influence on flirting. By showing others you know what you want, we are more confident that you’ll secure it. When applied to humans, it creates a weird feeling of commitment, though it can easily backfire if pursued to strongly. It has other advantages to, strong authority figures are usually better leaders and can create pretty cool plans for a day.

The following are attempts at finding the Lady of the Taco.

My first date was with a zombie. It was weird, I don’t really remember how I got hooked up with a zombie chick, but when I went over to pick her up I had to sit with her parents. If you’ve never sat with a zombie father who thinks you’re trying to get inside the decaying remains of his daughter's pants, consider yourself luckier than the guy who actually got into said pants. Awkward doesn’t begin to start my description of the scene. Zombie dad wasn’t just staring at me, but he had that look in his eye that a cosplayer gets when he’s alone with a life sized Tifa statue.

Now, just because this chick was a zombie, don’t think she didn’t take forever to get ready. Our date was supposed to start at 7:30 and I arrived at 7:25, but after her dad finished showing me his spice rack and abilities to preserve meats for long spans of time. He still had time to tell me about his job at a teddy bear factory. Man, I used to think what the guys at restaurants did was nasty. You don’t want to hear what’s inside those teddy bears.

However, the date itself wasn’t too bad. Most guys brag with some woman's underpants, totally something you could have stolen from your mom’s room or bought at the mall. But how many guys actually have the chick’s discarded flesh? Only the creepy ones no one talks to. Which is why I didn't keep it. Anyway, that relationship went sour by the third date. She kept trying to push her nasty cooking on me, most of the time I doubt she even cooked it, the stuff was still bleeding!

My second attempt at dating was with a cat-chick. There are three types of cat-chicks. Normal human looking girls with cat ears (usually a tail as well), humanoid cat chicks, and normal human women who just wear cat ears a lot. All pretty hot.

Some people possess the assumption that it’s “fun” to get your back scratched up, I bet you think it’s really "kinky." When it’s done with 3 inch claws, how kinky to you think that is? Huh!? Do you realize how long it takes for a gash that deep to heal? Oh, and heaven forbid you go into a hospital and not get dozens of cops asking you questions. You can’t say a "cat-girl" turned your back into loosely hanging shards of meat, nope, that’s just crazy. Of course, after you’ve lost that much blood, I don’t see why they take anything you say seriously. Let alone institutionalize you for it! Sorry, this is a painful subject.

This relationship seemed amazing at first. By the second date she started marking her territory which meant she pissed on everything I loved. And you don’t love your ps2 as much after it’s been soaked in urine. Also, she kept leaving me dead animals. Gift or not, that’s just fucking creepy. Then there was the back scratching...

Katrina… When she said she was a vampire and a demon, I thought that meant she was Goth. Yea, I don’t want to talk about it.

Catlain. I still miss her, she was awesome. But fate separated us and now I try to get revenge on fate every chance I can get. You should hear some of the messages I’ve left on its answering machine.

My Muse. Man, those have been some weird times. I’ve finally learned a little of what it’s like to be one of my asshole friends. Men have a slow learning curve when it comes to women. It’s like the part of our brain that sees women is so ancient that it’s hard for us to change our views about them. Although we may have developed several sexist stereotypes, we also invite tons of abuse on ourselves and our loved ones for it.

That’s most of my dating experience. Some of it may be real, some of it not. I’m not sure which anymore; I have a weak grasp on reality these days. If you want to become the lady of the taco: fill out an application, send it over, and I’ll get back to you.

This is the application for the lady of the Taco, please consider taking the time to fill it out. If you wish me to read it, you'll have to set it on fire after filling it out so that my pixies may fan the smoke to my location, allowing me to read the details. Please, no follow ups within 60 days, I don't want the pixies getting the black lung. A pixie coughing is such a depressing thing and it gets dust all over the place. By the way, I wouldn't recommend dating a pixie, huge size issue. Huge! Like gigantic.