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Quest for Mediocrity

As a kid, I played video games that placed me in the shoes of characters that couldn’t even afford a weapon. But if I was willing to kill thousands of monsters and save early and save often, I’d eventually become a Hero. Unless I killed one of the spitting plants at the start of the game, then I was screwed and had to start over.

Stupid, old time video games.

Eventually, one of those games was cancelled by the company that produced it and in my childlike innocence I told the developers, “Don’t worry, I’ll have a book published soon, I’ll buy the rights so you can make another game.”

Years later, I still don’t have that publication nor did I save a beloved game series. I like many, merely struggled to be mediocre.

Still, being mediocre is what separates us from the meth addicts and the animals. An animal can’t buy insurance and a meth-head can’t figure it out. The key to being mediocre, stats of course. There isn’t a one trait that rules them all. If you want to become mediocre, you’re going to need to be really push yourself and walk the extra block.

Sobriety: Life sucks, which makes forgetting about it really appealing. Only problem is, it’s difficult to become the example of your knitting circle if you are too busy playing World of Warcraft to actually knit. Sure, sobriety is a painful day-to-day revaluation of life’s futilities but it is greatly preferred to waking from a month long bender to realize you’ve run full speed to a shitter form of yourself. And for the love of Erana, avoid the dragon’s breath.

No: Despite being the only word we said when two years old, it seems nearly impossible to use now. A truly mediocre man or woman must be able to realize sometimes it isn’t worth your time to move your ex-girlfriend’s fridge or answer your boss’ calls during the weekend. Often no is your greatest defense of keeping a shield between yourself and pointless activities.

Sociability: It’s hard to make friends. It’s much harder when you can’t work up the nerve to talk to people. But fuck it all if you’re going to be the guy with 8 cats. Sociability is the only thing saving you from stepping in hairballs every morning after a bunch of meowing bastards claw you out of bed.

Telepathy: The ability to read minds seemed like a good idea when you read about an exciting new breakthrough in medical science. Sadly, being able to read people’s minds is as unappealing as being forced to listen to them ramble on during a bus ride. However, mind bullets kick ass!

Humor: Dark, a man getting kicked in the balls, talking cats, or a baby in a silly hat. Whatever relieves the tension in your shoulders is what helps you sleep at night. Having a sense of humor will also make your kid filling the DVD player with pancake batter incredibly awesome instead of really annoying and resulting in a call to CPS.

Evil: Opps, you’re evil. Those little white lies really started adding up, didn't they? A good thing paladins in the real world don’t have detect evil. Also, paladins aren’t nearly as cool in real life.

Luck: Some people make it, other people are born with it. Others carry around cheap knickknacks to get it. Weird, who knew you could get lucky for a dollar? It must be your lucky day after all.

Stalker: Everyone needs a role model. But how quickly it can all go out of control. Before you know it, you’re dressed like Abraham Lincoln in a white room and surrounded by men dressed as Napoleon. Still, the dead don’t mind if you steal their fashion sense.

Accommodation: What only grows the more you do it? Answer, being accommodating. At first, you’re just trying to be helpful then you’re just being exploited. Funny, you bend over backwards to met your bosses demands, but you have to keep asking about that pay raise. Going in reverse is so hard on a one-way street.

Zombie: It helps you do mindless tasks, but your life is probably better if you don't eat the same meal every day without questioning it.

Experience:
Who knew there was something to learn after high school?

Drama:
Too much and you’ll die

Stamina:
This is what keeps you awake.

Mind Bullets:
Sweet!

The Shoe Salesman: What is a Shoe Salesman?
The charisma necessary to sell ice to Eskimos or the douchebagness to pressure someone to buy a car may not be your thing. These are high profile skills and you get anxious enough talking to your neighbors. However, everyone needs shoes. An industrial society needs footwear to protect against the many dangers produced by mass consumption’s waste problems and fast moving machinery. So it just makes sense to sell shoes. Also, your neighbor refuses to scoop up his dog’s droppings. Fuck that guy!

Of course, the world behind the shoe is complicated. There exist hundreds of shoe functions: wrestling, dancing, tennis, basketball, hiking, etc. This is all simplified by the fact you don’t really need to be involved in any of these activities, just know where the shoes are located in the store. Also, don’t concern yourself with the conditions of how the shoes were made or the materials, ignorance is bliss after all. Vegans can wear the shoe if they don’t know leather was involved. Conscious shoppers can buy a shoe made by children for slave wages. Environmentalists can walk out with zero recycled materials after a purchase. All you have to do is never really think about the job you’ll be doing for the next 40 years as the consumer doesn't really think about it either.

How does one become a Shoe Salesman?

The inquiring mind must find a wall and run into it head first, the brain damage should be enough to prepare you for the role. The world is complicated and full of wonder, but your primary interaction in it is to market a generic plastic shell as something unique and stylish. Often to shallow women attempting to drown their angst through overpriced heels they’ll wear once and cost 69 cents to produce.

A lot of your ability relies on making the shelf look pretty, taking inventory, and ensuring anyone with big feet has miserable time trying to find a shoe that fits. And what’s the deal with the shoe sizes? Why is it my size keeps alternating in the lower teens? What kind of standards are you using? Oh yea, you have no idea how the shoe is made, nevermind.

Landing the job itself isn’t too difficult. One day you’re a wide eyed child thinking he’ll rule the world and get a part-time job to buy your girlfriend a nice dinner from time to time and before you know it, twenty years later you're still at the same job that is somehow supporting the eight kids your freakin’ girlfriend kept pumping out one after the other.

The Administrative Assistant
Secretaries used to play a key role in the business world. They pretty much kept the entire company from imploding from its own inefficiency and bullshit. A secretary is basically the last line of defense between an employee’s incompetence and the final product. They kept customers happy, could find the files, bought your lunch, and had sex with the boss.

The world has gotten more complicated, which just means it has become more inefficient and bullshitty. So a huge staff is necessary to make sure a company doesn’t one day turn into a steaming pile. It’s a thankless job of obscurity. No one will ever see your work, know you were there, or miss you when you’re gone.

The worst part of it all is you’ll witness a cast of incompetent managers go about the day with complete idiocy yet you can never get their job as the only important aspects that got the manager to their position you’ll never see. Be it face time with the owners or a membership at a country club. Unpaid overtime and 9 dollars an hour will ensure that.

How to become an Administrative Assistant

This one can be tricky. You have to balance the need to do a very large number of important tasks, but not look so important that you’ll quit when a better job comes around or start a federal inquiry regarding the company’s immoral business dealings with slaves.

You have to be superhuman, able to multitask, since humans are actually quite terrible at multitasking and should avoid it at all times. But… you can’t want to take your abilities anywhere, as there is no room for advancement in this position.

You don’t want to appear desperate, yet why else are you taking this job?

An administrative assistant is a struggle to stay mediocre. You must constantly beat yourself down or risk being beat down by your superiors.

Gym Teacher:

Ever since you were a child, you idolized the players on the field. Sadly, your chronic illnesses and fear of needles prevented you from ever getting into the major leagues. Also, you just don’t have the balls to take a loaded gun into a strip club and pistol whip a guy. Professional sports is a rough world.

So is teaching.

Thankfully gym class has almost no oversight. As long as you don’t give the local media a reason to come to the school, you’ll probably keep your job long enough to see one of your elementary students try to steal it from you.

It doesn’t hurt that teaching hasn’t changed at all in the last 1000 years. The news and psychologists may babble about studies and development, but you still have 30 kids and 4 dodgeballs just like your grandfather did. Sure, the kids seem to be getting chunkier and chunkier every year and you yourself have as well. But you aren’t a role model, you’re a gym teacher. Leave the thinking to those awkward students getting pelted by dodgeballs.

How does one become a Gym Teacher?

Honestly, I have no idea. I mean, do they have a teaching license? A physical trainer certification? How does someone fall into this position? Maybe they’re volunteers from the local little league team that never went home, it’s a mystery.

Secret, unplayable class:

Ohh, a secret class. Maybe this’ll make it into one of life’s squeals after we reference it several times in the next two games. I’m sure it’s full of misery though.

Status Aliments:

STD: Isn’t it odd, you’ve had sex with only three people in your entire life, yet you still managed to get an STD. Luckily, it only burns a little when you pee.

Douchebag: Everyone hates your personality. But as long as you don’t let the friends of your girl/boyfriend constant protests about you ruining their friend’s life get you down, things should be okay. Still, it would be nice if the dog didn’t growl at you every time you walked into the house.

Exhausted: Who knew working double 12 hour shifts would be so difficult?

Soul Crushed: Hey, your dreams kind of look like a rabbit after all that weight hit it.

Events:

Exciting combat system, face your reflection in the mirror daily and use several unique techniques to walk away. Give yourself a pep talk, blame your parents, smash the glass, yell incoherently, or take some anti-depressants!

Die:

Fuck yea! Life actually does stop sucking one day!