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For some reason my legal name, Richard, is stigmatized in the media. I haven’t met enough Richards in the real world to blame the physical manifestations for this trend. I may be an asshole, but I’m so damn lovable that no one could possibly hate me. You’d have to be some sort of filthy, kitten hating astronomer to not want to give me a hug! So where did it all come from? Perhaps the nickname, Dick, is to blame. Whenever someone acts like a jerk, people call him a “real dick.” So what does that mean, the guy acts like someone actually named Richard? I’ve only heard it used literally once, but the man being referred was in a condom suit and was pretty much a dick in plastic. If you want to get real technical, he was a man in a dick in plastic.

Perhaps politics is to blame. The current United States vice president Richard "Dick" Cheney is part of an administration with the lowest approval rating ever. He also fired a shotgun into the face of one of his close friends and made the guy apologize for it. Still, that’s pretty recent and I’ve noticed Richards getting a bad name well before he came into office.

The next political Dick was Nixon. The guy was called "Tricky Dick" and isn’t remembered as a great guy. Futurama depicts him as a madman obsessed with breaking into people’s houses and clogging their toilets so when they wake up in the morning, the home owner has to deal with a stinky, wet mess while they have to poop. It doesn’t help that the real Nixon had that whole Watergate thing, a scandal so bad that he couldn’t fix his public image despite years of attempting to repair it after he “resigned.”

Some people may counter these examples of poor leadership from men named Richard (ironically, Richard means a great ruler) with Richard the Lion Hearted. But does having a heart transplant from a beast really make you a great guy? I theorize the stigma starts with him. The year was 1187, diarrhea was a leading cause of death and people were all in an uproar about that crossbow thing. Religious diversity meant if you didn’t want to be a Christian you could easily decide to be set on fire. The third crusade was called because someone had been taking Jesus’ lunch money!

King Richard of England, Emperor Frederick Barbarossa and King Phillip Augustus of France formed the greatest crusade force ever. Regrettably, the greatness only went as far as the advertising. Phillip is slain by a fierce battle with a pond. Apparently, he fell off his horse and drowned because of his armor. So his army went home rather than taking the time to pull him out. The battle of the pond would later go down as one of France’s more glorious defeats. Imagine coming home with that story. We were going to go off and defend the bible, but a puddle stopped us. I wish I thought of that excuse when I was trying to get out of school.

Richard and Fred hated each other, after a friendly exchange of pre-war banter, Fred took his army home. Richard probably said Fred looked fat in his armor or something. Yea, imagine coming home to tell everyone that. I was going to defend God from the pagans trying to slay him, but Richard called me fat and I was too busy crying to take up my sword.

Richard is also famous for being ransomed for a huge sum of money after being captured during this little trip. Later this ransom would be used in tales of Robinhood, but that never really happened. Then Richard died, allowing Prince John to rule England and lose over half his power to France. The same force that lost to a puddle. Luckily for Richard, war crimes didn’t exist yet; otherwise he may have been remembered far less fondly. Then again, when you’re a general in an age filled with entire armies being defeated by witty banter and small collections of water, having someone on your side that knows which side of a sword isn’t sharp is probably worth overlooking a few ethical issues.

What about the next Richard, Richard the II of England. At the wise age of 15, he put down the Peasants Revolt of 1381, for some reason people didn't like the new taxes and went through the streets revolting and such. Richard went out to meet the mob and said he'd do everything in his power to help them. Being the king, he had a lot of power, so the mob left feeling pretty happy about little Dick. The guy was tight; he listened to their concerns and said he'd address them.

Over the next few days, the rioter's concerns were solved in a timely matter as Richard's troops slaughtered them in their homes. From that day on, it seems Nixon and other Richards haven't been defacing our good name with their sad leadership skills, rather keeping the image alive. Richards are the assholes keeping your dreams from becoming realities, if only because the only guy trying to stop us has trouble getting dressed in the morning. Don't believe me? Let's see how Richards are reflected in the media.

What is this picture even saying?

Example #1: Robocop. We're Capitalist Monsters.

Dick Jones is a major player at the OCP Company, a leading developer of military weapons. Dick himself said, "We practically are the Military." Dick is also the bad guy trying to shut down Robocop. Robocop’s strict adherence to the law with no emotional consideration towards the public makes him the perfect police officer. His reports are even filled out in a lovely 12 point arial font printed from his robo-butt crack (apparently robots poop excel sheets). Actually, Robocop just shots people in the face and completely ignores the paperwork. But the public digs it and because of it, Dick can't release his new product, the ED-209 Robot. This Robot is supposed to replace the cops, but who would want to replace Robocop? His robobooty is the envy of every woman on the force! What chick wouldn’t want a kevlar covered, titanium butt firing out your taxes?

Dick doesn’t seem to care that ED has no means of actually arresting someone and is only capable of killing them in a horrible, gruesome manner that leaves a bloody mess, a pile of shell casings, and several bullet holes EVERYWHERE. ED doesn’t even need a reason to kill people, he just does it. If you think about it, it’s really just an allegory to Richard II and how modern government mimics it. When the poor revolt against the system that benefits the rich, they get murdered for it. Be it through violence or inferior health care.

In the end Dick is fired for messing with Robocop and blasted through a window to rain justice on the streets several feet below in the form of shattered glass and a dead body accelerating towards pedestrians walking below with the help of gravity. At least it was a befitting end for a Richard, a big chance of taking several strangers with you.

Example #2: Magician: Master. We're poor generals.
                                  

I'm sure you know about these great books. Maybe not great, but good enough to step over the fantasy bar when so many writers merely knock it over by crawling backwards into it. In them, there is a power play for the throne. The guy that should have it and this dude named Black Guy. Meanwhile, this rift to another world opens and an army of super strong warriors comes through and starts killing everything. Near the end of "Master," General Richard appears with an army to:

1. Give his support to Black Guy
2. Fight the badass invaders.
3. Prove to the world a man named Richard can rock faces.

Within 20 pages the character is dead and is never mentioned again. At least he managed to inspire a little fear, even if it was only the fear of his blood getting on your clothes. "Oh no, this is velvet, that'll never come out!

Another character named Richard reappears later on in the series in "Rise of a Merchant Prince."

In it, a character named Roo goes to a coffee shop, asks for a table from a guy named Richard and that's the last we freakin' hear of him. Amazing how little face time a guy named Richard can get in a book that literally takes 300 pages for the plot you already can guess the flow of accurately to start?

Want a hint? Here goes. It’ll take about half the book to introduce characters and have them do unimportant things. Eventually something bad happens and C ranked characters, those without names start dying soon. After that, things start heating up greatly and someone with a name, B rank, will die. As the climax comes to its height, which probably means the main characters are fighting something absurdly powerful. Almost all the remaining C ranked characters are going to die, several of the remaining B ranked, and maybe an A ranked character if that character hasn’t been developed at all the entire book. This flow should ruin the endings of at least two of Feist’s endings.

     Example #3: Quest For Glory 4.5. We’re pawns with poor motor skills.

When Sierra decided they were sick of trashing some of the greatest games ever, they figured the best way to continue making money was to discontinue every title they were working on and alienate the company from the fans. Then Sierra fired everyone who worked for them and was eventually shut down, big surprise. So some fans made their own game with the Quest for Glory 1 engine. In it, our hero returns to Spielberg to finish the job he started. The game is awful and feels like it was written by a bunch of teenagers or George Lucas with no true love for the original canon of the game.

In one scene, the hero actually has sex with two prostitutes, even though in Quest for Glory 5 the hero is noted as a virgin. But poor writing doesn’t mean they don’t follow Hollywood’s hatred of Richard. Our hero’s archenemy is Richard, the new sheriff who arrested the butcher for killing the old sheriff. The only evidence being the blood on the butcher’s apron. Soon our hero and Richard must face off in a one on one battle! Only the hero is stuck on the other side of a cliff. Richard is such a jerk in this game; you just want to hate him! You hate him so much that you push a tree on his head. Why Richard doesn't move is unknown.

Example #4 Richards are lame DJs and Die.
    
Finally, a Richard who isn’t part of an evil corporation (this one is named Umbrella). Sadly, he is a pawn of a corporate spy from an evil corporation. It gets worse. Richard is a member of an elite police force responsible for answering the radio. Yup, that’s right. In a game filled with guns and zombies, Richard is the receptionist. During an investigation of several murders with victims that appeared to have been eaten. Richard is poisoned by a big snake. The hero of the game, Chris or Jill, has to run off to get the antidote and as soon as you give it to him, he dies. Why Richard didn’t just suck out the poison like a man or eat some red plants like everyone else does is unknown. At least his death provided a little drama, even if it was lame and pointless.

The caption says, “I can’t die now. I have nothing left to live for!”

Example #5: In the Bedroom. We murder people!

"In the Bedroom" is a movie based on "Killings" a short story by Andre Dubus. The main character of the movie, Matt, is trying to get revenge on the guy who killed his son. The murderer is named Richard (bring back memories of a modern day rivalry?). Anyway, Richard is a complete douchebag. He leaves his wife and is doing another chick. When his wife moves on, Richard kills her boyfriend. He sure seemed justified. I mean, everyone was moving on with their lives. Then he was like, "Holy balls, this new guy is a better example of a human than me and he's making it with the woman I left with my bastard children!" It gets better of course, look at the guy playing him.

I’m being a little rough on the guy’s appearance simply because the file photo CNN used for him is so unflattering. They’d never do this to Tom Cruise if he played a character named Fred!

Example #6: South Park.We're retarded.

South Park's Timmy created havoc in classrooms everywhere and made anyone with the same name hate going to school. Timmy’s parents, Richard and Helen, are like Timmy and can only scream their names, i.e. "RICHARD!" However, this is probably the best Richard you'll find in the media. He finds true love, has a loving family, and truly knows himself (you can tell because he keeps screaming his name like I do), and his child seems happy. The guy does have a big head though, probably because he’s so smart. What I want to know is, how does Timmy know his name if his parents can’t say it?

Example #7: Richard Simmons.
	Richard Simons may be a real person, but he’s in the media occasionally. I think I made my case clear enough with this photo. To be fair, he seems like a nice guy. I just wouldn’t trust children around him.

Example # 8: Home Movies	We handle break-ups poorly
	For the record that is NOT Richard. That is Paula of Home Movies. This show was played back when Adult Swim still played decent content. During one episode, a friend of Paula's stays over because she and her husband are breaking up. The husband is named Richard of course! We never get to see Richie, but we do hear him on the phone. During the conversation the two get into a heated argument about who has more right to owning the couch, the woman suggesting to buy a couch or the man who paid for it.
That almost sounded sexist. Good thing women haven’t figured out about the internet yet or they might get mad at me. In the end, Richard begins to taunt his ex-wife by narrating how he’s putting his feet on the couch because she can’t do anything about it. In response, the chick starts smashing everything in the Paula's kitchen in a blind rage to get back at him. The episode wraps up with Paula taking the chick’s side (like girls always do) and calls Richard a jerk.

Example #9: Kiss of the Dragon.	We're French
	Jet Li is pretty much the most amazing thing to happen to Kung Fu movies since ramen. In his movie "Kiss of the Dragon," the bad guy, Richard, is probably the meanest person in the world. He swears, forces women into prostitution, sells drugs, and shots people just because he feels like it. How could he get any more evil? His name is Richard and he's a French cop. Checkmate. This gives me a great idea for a reality TV show, “Richard House.” 10 Richards are placed inside one house and we get to see what happens! It’d only be a matter of time before someone is killed. I can’t imagine a Richard hating anything more than another person named Richard.
Then again, the Richards may band together and kill the entire production staff. It may be a bad idea to put too many Richards in the same area.

Example #11: The Fantastic Four

Reed Richards

The last names Richards and Richardson still count as Richard. Of all the super powers, Mr. “fantastic” got the worst power of all, stretchy guy. Even batman’s power of money is better than that. This guy also has an “invisible wife.” Me to! My girlfriend is invisible, that is why you can’t see her. In his 1970’s cartoon, he somehow beat Magneto by himself. Freakin' Magneto! Alright no, no one beats Magneto. Wolverine couldn’t even beat Magneto. How the hell is a stretchy guy going to do it? The Venture Brothers did a spoof on Richards, named Richard Impossible (voiced by our hero Stephen Colbert). The spoof is pretty typical of a Richard, a genius who locks his wife up in an arctic snow base and give her family with really annoying super powers, like invisible, burning, or callused skin. The Fantastic Four movies are also a crime against humanity and Stan Lee should be ashamed of himself for allowing it to happen.

Example # 12: Futurama	We steal stuff and do drugs
	Fry, "Bender you're worse than my friend Richie. He promised me he wasn’t on drugs, then he sold me my mom’s VCR and even worse, he was on drugs!" (Season 1, episode 9)

It does seem the hatred of Richard is commonly occupied with an aura of greatness. Maybe if a hero worshipping society was more inclined to help a Richard out instead of crying about our abuse of their rights, we wouldn’t be so demonized. Unbridled ambition and intelligence comes at a price and we’re all willing to make you pay for it. So just shut up and pick up the check.

Here are some other examples of Richard in the Media:
Richard, a bumbling detective from Case Closed
Richard, a rapist from one of the Law and Order shows.