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Ever notice how your parents always force you to go to school? Well, that's probably because you were adopted. It's a shame and there is nothing you can do about it, or is there? Here are some helpful tidbits to escape the torture that is higher education!

Let's start off with the golden stuff, getting out of school all together. This is what magic is made of: playing hooky, clouds, rainbows, and unicorn horns. Sadly, getting out of school is almost impossible; otherwise more people would do it. This shouldn’t be a deterrent though, rather make the prize all the more sweet!

The easiest way to get out of school is to fake your own death.

First, you need to decide whether to leave a body or not. The nice thing about bodies is they give a sense of closure, without it your parents may have that "hope" thing. With hope, they will never stop looking for you. Forcing you to always look over your shoulder. You can't go back, you've tasted the freedom of not going to school and going back will kill you!

The problem with bodies is those darn doctors are smart. If the body is 10 feet tall and you're only 4 feet tall, the doctors will realize the math doesn't work. They didn't go to college for 8 years for nothing. They want you to suffer there like they did. So when selecting a body, try to find one already dead. Killing stuff usually isn't a good idea, because that may get the FBI on the case and the Feds are like mother freakin' School Nazis or something. Also, when you kill someone else, that means the victim’s parents are going to get involved. This sets you up to have four parents that don’t love you instead of the original two. Now this body should be about your height, cutting off the legs tends to be a red flag when trying to make it look more like you. You may want to try soaking it in cold water overnight, it'll decrease the size of parts that are too large, it works for bumps right?

Oh yeah, put a valued item on the body to ensure people think it is you, a necklace, favorite metal item, or something else only a dork like you would carry around that would happen to survive an inferno. Don't have an item like this? Just go to the store and buy one for 98 cents and wear it for 8 weeks while noting it to everyone you meet. Something like a cross will work; you don't even have to be Christian to wear one these days. I realize 8 weeks will feel like forever if you're still attending school, but man, it's worth it. Because afterwards everyone will think you are dead and you can live the dream, that dream of not going to school. Regrettably, after dropping out you usually you can't find work and end up working in a Chinese factory or living with your grandparents, making the dream seem not so great. In fact, the whole poverty thing is almost as bad as school. Almost. But if you end up going to college, it's the worst of both worlds. You're poor and going to school. After graduating, you're usually just poor and still can't find a job outside a Chinese factory. .

Get the Aids

Faking your death may not work for all parents. Damn it, they want you to get an education alive or not. Nothing sucks more than being a zombie and being thrown back in school. Now you have to eat brains AND do homework. Instead of faking your death, you may want to try the pity factor. Remember to ask your parents if you can get out of school if you have six months to live BEFORE you inject yourself and attempt this tactic, otherwise you'll still be stuck in school and have the Aids. I made that mistake and I'll admit I regret it. Usually your parents are so heartless that they’ll refuse to let you live your last few months in peace, at least if the neighbors know about it. It’d make them look back. Before you give yourself the Aids, ask yourself what is worse: living in pain for six months (or more) before death or going to school. It's close, so use your best judgment.

Take a dreaded, hard, long look at this guy. You see this guy, this guy is a pirate. Have you looked at the pirate yet? No? Do it already! Okay, now imagine a couple million of these guys wandering around inside your body on boats and stuff. Sailing, drinking grog, and peeing off the boat into your blood stream. This is what the Aids is, now if you are okay with these guys doing that, then it’s cool. Remember, pirates like butt sex and so will you with the Aids. Arrrr!

Maybe you've tried all this or you simply have come to terms with the fact you'll never escape the educational system. So here are some tips to make the best of it.

Impregnation

I've noticed school is a lot easier after you impregnate one of your teachers (this only works on female teachers if the student is male. Female students don't even think for a moment that letting a teacher impregnate you is a good idea, because it won't work! The teachers will just say you were banging someone else at the time he was conceiving that child. It is scientifically impossible to tell who the father is, those talk shows that claim they know are liars. Also, female to female or male to male relations don't seem to make a baby, no matter how hard you try. Besides, after you have the kid, you'll just end up back in school and your kid might be more popular than you).

The best benefits of impregnating your teacher usually last for 6 months after the baby implant. After this point, the teacher gets really mean and fat before the child is born, it has something to do with the whole explosion thing that causes the baby to be created. I’m guessing it isn’t pleasant.

If you are considering this route, remember the extreme handicap you are in because of the corporations. Companies have been using this method of school avoidance to their advantage for years. Teachers get more valentines cards than anyone, why do you think this holiday was created in the first place? This isn't simply a way to get through school, but a dream of students everywhere! As such, billions of students, grown ups, and aliens all want to have sex with your teacher. We’ve been taught since birth that mating with a teacher is the highest goal in life. It isn't just your desire to mate with your teacher, it is your duty! It's kind of like the movie “aliens,” the teacher is the evil, repulsive alien and the only reason she won't eat is because you're the one with the ability to carry the baby. *Important note* the male student will be the one carrying the baby, not the female teacher, this a trick woman play on men so we feel sorry for them and let them vote. How else do you think the male population has been able to survive this long? You didn’t think females let us live because we were cute or something. If you did, you're an idiot.

I'm sure you remember all those parents getting mad at that kid and the teacher that did this. But the media was just jealous; this is another reason why impregnating your teacher is problematic. People don't want you to live the dream. Pay them no heed, you know it’s worth it. But remember, about a year after the birth of the child, the teacher will probably eat you. You’ve exhausted your use as a genetic carrier and are no longer of any use to the teacher. On the bright side, you're dead and don't have to go to school anymore and there won't be enough remains to have you reanimated.

*ANOTHER IMPORTANT NOTE*

If you try to go the way of the "player" and impregnate a lot of teachers don't leave the safety of a single department! If you start with the history department, for Katrina's sake, stay in the history department! Don't go trying to get with both the English and Math teachers; it'll only make things worse. The other departments hate each other, that is why they get their own offices in separate wings! Teachers naturally can't stand each other! Everyone realizes teachers are nothing but tortuous burdens on society. The only thing worse than seeing a teacher is being reminded that you are a teacher. This is why teachers actually hate other teachers even more than common citizens. However, teachers also have a fetish for a single topic and will tolerate other teachers if they have a similar fetish. This makes them more than willing to share coffee, office space, classrooms, and children. The principal on the other hand, may be mixed into your relationship to create an orgy of babies. This is risky, because principals are power hungry dictators and may start calling you to the office while you are putting your seed in a teacher, thus royally peeving her off. If this happens, your stay at school could become much worse than it was before. Principals do have the advantage of having far more power than the teachers, even if they rarely use it to visibly torture you. This doesn’t mean the principals aren’t torturing you though.

But if you survive long enough to witness the birth of the child, your teacher will no longer be able to give you a bad grade. As long as you remember to put "Your Child's Father" in the name slot on the tests, otherwise she may forget you are the one who fathered her child. She's probably married to some loser banker or lawyer and may confuse that douchebag for the father at times. How she forgets about the teenager to 20something student in favor of someone with money is a mystery. Plus, when the kid starts going to class you can make him do your homework! But the teacher may start liking him more than you. Thus making things worse because now you're losing all the cool benefits you had and school will seem worse after you've tasted a better life. That and your teacher will probably eat you soon.

Sadly, forcing your child to do your homework usually happens near graduation, making the advantages almost useless. Also, by the time the child is born, you may not be a student of the teacher you impregnated any longer. Remember a dream sometimes turns into a nightmare, exercise extreme caution should you try using this tactic. Overall, it usually isn't worth the risks, besides everything is short term and generally more work than anyone is willing to do. Sometimes you're better off just getting a classmate pregnant. It usually doesn't help out in school, but at least it'll make life a little less boring. You'll also get the chance to clog a toilet with your newborn and the look on the janitor’s face when s/he has to clean it will be priceless!


Lower your ability to understand

If you don't want to lower yourself to being a boy toy, you can always stab out your eyes or pierce your eardrums. You generally only have to do one, because if you can't see or hear your tormenters, they can't do nearly as much to you. Pretending to pay attention is a lot easier when you only have to fake it with one sense. If the teacher thinks you're slacking just say, "I can't do math! I'm blind!" If you’re having second thoughts, Oedipus seemed pretty happy about his life after he went blind, right? If it worked for the Greeks, there is a chance it’ll work for you.

Go Insane

This is my personal favorite and how I get through the day, homework is a lot more fun if all your answers are related to how you're trying to breed a rhino with a house cat. Besides, it will entertain the teacher to love you more and thus you may have her child, creating the earlier mentioned scenario with no work whatsoever. Sadly, if a male teacher comes on to you, that just causes more problems. If this happens pretend not to understand their advances and pray you don't get raped. If a female teacher comes onto you and you’re also a female, just allow your teacher’s magic to teach you the meaning of love. Other bonuses of being crazy include: going to the classroom next to the boiler room with the cool kids, a little yellow school bus drives to your front door to pick you up, you get out of school half an hour earlier, your mittens are stapled to your coat for quick use should your hands be cold, and you will always have ample supplies of fire, pudding, and paste to eat. Although no one should judge you, on account you're just plain nuts, they will. And harshly, expect to get teased endlessly, especially from the teachers. Every rhino answer you put on a test will have a snide comment from the teaching in red ink, calling you a dick. You can’t even do anything about it, because you’re crazy and always poop on your paper before someone can see it. However, it is unlikely anyone will do anything violent to you, even if you bite them. So take advantage of this and slowly progress into one of those crazy violent kids. If you find yourself dressing like an Emo or Goth kid, ABORT! You’ve gone in too deep!

The Timmy Scenario

I realize being nuts is hard to pull off sometimes, usually you have to be that way in the first place. The tests they have set up are decent at the job and time consuming, the second anyone suspects you aren’t crazier than them, expect to have to take several of these tests and talk to a bunch of specialists. Luckily, I seem to guess all the right answers every time! It may be easier to just get a wheel chair or, better yet, one of those hover-rounds, they require a lot less work. No one is going to give you trouble if they think you can't walk, because they know you'll run them over for being able to. The more fear you inspire, the more respect you'll get. So show no mercy, they will rebel if you do. The hardest part is remembering not to excuse yourself when speeding through the halls, because you may be in the habit of giving an apology for the poor slobs you just crippled, but you can't! Also, if anyone starts annoying you just snap on them or anyone around you for that matter, regardless of what they did. Anyone that can walk is automatically the bad guy because they are walking; just make sure you have someone do the slow clap afterwards. But wait, there's more! You can get on television and badmouth everyone you know. Afterwards, all those corporations will totally buy it and give you free crap to make you feel better and for the good press. Just remember the more you cry the more stuff you get. Everyone loved Timmy in a “Christmas Story,” it’s un-American not too. You aren't some sort of red flag waving, cripple-hating commie are you? Of course not, you love America! Anyone who doesn't love America will get a red neck's penis in their eye socket. Thanks to conservative America, you can use the threat of eye fucking to your advantage! Just remember not to stand up, no one likes a miracle and those around you might really break your legs for it. Especially if you ran them over.

Narcolepsy

The greatest thing since the Aids. Usually the result of some whacked out gene, but we don't need to go into which one. There are two ways to get the "Golden Disease," you could go back in time and set up your mother with your sister, but then you run the risk of getting 6 fingers on your forehead and splitting the space-time thing. With space and time split, you’ll have to live in a dimension where you have to go to school twice, once for time and another for space. This will make your school day at least 75% longer. The safe and logical method is to test makeup products until you get it as a side effect, though you may end up going blind/deaf, which is awesome. The greatest thing about narcolepsy is you can fall asleep anywhere and no one will mind; be it class, driving, sex, or jogging. Afterwards, you'll awaken very much refreshed! Ready to attack the new day, even if you're not sure which day it is. However, you may fall on your head, so I'd suggest wearing a helmet and putting a pillow on your butt. Controlling your disease may be difficult depending on your trigger. I knew one guy who was triggered by the sound of a beaver eating wood. The dude has never even seen a beaver and hasn't fallen asleep once because of it! Poor bastard, insomnia is the worst disease you could get for school. All night, you’ll be awake and know school starts at eight.