Tea

Man, it’s so easy to make, compared to the old days
Now I just set my water filter to “hot” and pour some scolding water into a cup
When I’ve determined the glass to be over half-filled or empty, I dip in a teabag

In the old days, if you wanted tea you had to grow it.
You know what tea is made of?!
Bags man, you had to grow freakin’ bags!
You didn’t walk, okay drive, down the block for teabags
You had to climb
up a mountain
By a multiple of fifteen units and if snow wasn’t involved
It was lava or drug crazed hippie communists
riding BEARS man, bears!*
and you wished it was snow!
Because it was never a lesbian hippie orgy,
No, they were always stinky lazy asshole hippies.
The kind who always make fun of you for using a fork!

When you finally got to the top, you had to deal with dragons
Not those pussy little dragons from fairy tales
the ones knights were always killing
I’m talking about REAL dragons
These suckers freakin’ ate knights,
Where did you think all the knights went?
Sure, sure. We have “Mel Gibson”
But there’s a reason he’s doing movies instead of killing dragons
he’s a total pussy, come on, did you see “the passion?” I didn’t, but I heard
he totally lets Jesus die, a real knight wouldn’t have let Jesus die!
And if you somehow managed to get past the dragon, you had to work a field
and that involves like, plowing and other farm related activities
Don’t get me started on the harvest, dragging 100 pounds of tea bags
after pulling them out of the ground one by one by the strings
Don’t forget you have to go back
through lava and hippies, that was brutal!
Certainly shit that pussy Mel Gibson couldn’t do!
What would he do, “act” his way through million degree lava?
I don’t think so, he couldn’t even act his way past the English!
to free himself from something to save someone from being mad!
or something like that. Really, who follows the plots in his movies anyway?
The point is Gibson died.

And finally, after like, some ridicules number of miles of carrying
the burden of millions of years of oppression and such
you had to get water.
And they didn’t have plumbing back then
You had to dance for your water
and if the gods weren’t paying attention you couldn’t just “stop”
Because when they looked over, you better damn well be dancing!
or else they won’t notice you dancing, and you’ll never get the water!
So you could be dancing for like, 15 days! In lava while battling an army of hippies!

Man, almost makes you want to appreciate drinking tea a little bit more. But I don’t.

Footnote
*THE DRUG CRAZED HIPPIE COMMUNISTS RODE BEARS!
I felt that point needed to be emphasized.