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Swim Suits and Underpants

I still remember the days of my youth, when everyone wore the classic white underpants. We all knew it, because as children we often stopped wearing pants. Sometimes even underpants, until either our parents beat us or a Jesuit invited us over for Lemonade. Not many of those kids wandered around in their underpants after that or drink lemonade for that matter. In fact, I think several of them killed themselves, not sure why though. Anyway, a shift occurred in school yards, every male in the world became a homosexual. Now, this isn’t a crack at homosexuals, every male in elementary school literally started taking it in the ass. I know at least a dozen of my teachers at elementary school who can list off twenty students they plowed off the top of their head. In fact, they'd often tell us about the experience during class.

At this point, fashion police units were formed and given “secret powers” to investigate the underwearings of the male youth. Wire taps, hidden cameras, brutal strip searches, and all approved by the Principal. Sure the teachers complained that the principal had to seek permission to allow these raids to take place, but what were they going to do, they’re teachers. And everyone knows, a teacher can’t do anything. Seriously, they can’t. Every Thursday I have to help wash one, on account he doesn’t know how to do it himself.

The fashion police had several objectives, often ensuring big corporate interests were represented on the playground. However, their main objective was to usher in the Boxer agenda of the Cootie controlled political office. Or so we thought. Shortly after the painful adjustment to boxers, males everywhere found themselves unable to secretly wear classic briefs anymore. They were just too, tight. Testicles were crushed. Penises were jammed and to our horror, we found more stuff was in our underpants than before. No, I’m not talking about pubic hairs, that horror wouldn’t come for another few years. Our boxers became cheap housing locations for TIME WIZARDS! Why do you think you needed all that extra room? To allow the Time Wizards the space to build their ivory towers in your pants! Thus answering the age old question, no that isn’t a rocket in my pocket, just an ivory tower constructed by the time wizards to stretch out our torturous stay in puberty.

Why would they force teenagers to stay in their teenage years? One of the most awkward and difficult times in our life. There are several reasons. For instance, it expands the cheap labor market. Why hire poor people to do a job that a better educated kid who hasn’t finished high school can do for less money and legally? Also, with standardized tests being so low, it probably wouldn’t hurt if the same students had to keep answering all those questions. It still hasn’t worked, so that probably means we're just retarded.

If you don’t believe me, look at the old hip-hop fashion trends. The sagging pants? Come on, you’d be fool if you had sagging pants with normal underwear. You’d also be a fool if you didn’t have sagging pants!

So why am I making a webpage about my boxers… if you have to ask maybe you’re too deep into the time wizard agenda to ever know the truth.

Leopard Skin Boxers: My first protest against the time wizards was with this pair of Leopard Skin Boxers. You may think them pretty sexy now; but you should see them on me. Hotter than a female who disagreed with medieval biblical interruption and she was on fire! Also, leopard skin anything screams male whore. I figured it’d help me pay my way through college and all the thrusting may crush the time wizard or at least mess up the layout in his tower. Sadly, being paid to have sex is never a good way to get revenge unless you’re trying to ruin daddy’s image of the perfect little girl. The time wizard did leave though, so doesn’t that make me the winner in the end? Even winners can have cigarette burns.

Smiley Face Boxers: These boxers are a classic now in the comic. You may have noticed Tacolord’s fly always down and a smiley face sticking out. This is a reference to the day I was hitting on a very attractive Chinese woman who seemed to love all my jokes. I only later found out my fly was down and she could see my smiley faced boxers. That damn time wizard exposed me just to ruin my chances with her. What a jerk!

Cheap Boxer Set #1 1 of 3: RIP you fucking bastard boxers. More Wizard agenda. You’ll notice the tiny size combined with the giant hole restricted the fighting abilities of revolutionaries and allowed for several penis escapes (not good during a fire fight). Not to mention allowed more construction material to be trafficked in and out my pants, that tower had to be built somehow!


Cheap Boxer Set #1 3 of 3: Another dead set of boxers, a brother of the pair shown above. The hole is easier to see in this photo.

The Black Boxers: I’d like to state these boxers are actually pretty good and are still in good condition after years of abuse. In fact, I bought three pairs of these a very long time ago and black hides any stains that may exist. Which goes to show I have yet to gain weight in like, 8 years. However, these boxers were persecuted by fashion police who demanded I wear varying boxer designs. Apparently one style of boxer won’t always suit the needs of the Time Wizards. The funny thing is, you probably think I’m joking.

Novelty Boxers: My first pair actually. I’m not really sure what evil plot these boxers served. Maybe to distract people from the actual plot with the fact that someone out there actually wears something like this.

The Checkered Boxers: Actually a popular pair of boxers frequently modeled during locker room shows. Thus very expensive. I have no idea what the hell happened to this pair. I think someone from my gym class stole them. Sometimes it’s painful to have good taste, which translates into spending a heinous amount of money for clothing. FYI, that chair is dead as well. Chinese kids just don't know how to make good chairs anymore.

Magic Underpants: This used to be my favorite pair of underwear. It increased all stats by +3. Now, they're torn to hell, but I still wear them. I just can’t pass up that stat bonus and it completes my set!

DBZ Boxers: Yes, I do still wear these things. This was the first bit of DBZ clothing I wore, back before it was cool to wear dragonballz stuff in public on US soil (wow, that sure does date things). Often women would ask me, why do you wear something with an opening theme called “Rock the Dragon.” And by often, I mean never. But afterwards I’d say, let me show you how I go Super Saiyan and then you’ll know how to rock the dragon. The lesson here. DBZ isn’t going to get you many chicks.

Dragon Boxer: Yea, these things are dead. Rocked the Dragon a few too many times I guess and outgrew them. That's right ladies, my waist line may be the same but something made them too tight. Weird how I don’t seem to out grow the black ones though.

The last of an era, a great art even! My only pair of whitie tighties left and they are indorsed by Michele Jordan. I bet you don't know what happened to that guy, do you? His public campaign against the time wizard resulted in his "sudden" retirement. Sucks when someone who can control your aging doesn’t like what you have to say about underpants on television. Go on, keep wearing your boxers, but how many more heroes have to die!

Swim Trucks: Nothing says my dresser is empty and Lysol isn’t enough to battle your orders anymore like a pair of swim trucks. Actually, I haven’t worn these things in years. I just go commando these days. Yea, try living on my crouch now without your little bio dome!