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Unicorn Assassination Services

The unicorn is a creature of purity. They spend their days meditating, drinking tea, and thinking empty thoughts. One time, Gandhi walked into a room with a unicorn and the Dalai Llama and Gandhi totally thought the Llama was a whore because the unicorn was so pure. Today, unicorns have become guardians of purity, that’s why I kill them.

In the old days, virgins were pretty common. The idea of your daughter having sex was as disgusting as it is now, only your daughter respected your opinion because you’d stab her in the uterus if she disobeyed you. Thanks to the hippies and lesbians, it’s illegal to stab a pregnant girl with a pitch fork because she’s a witch and carries the devil’s seed. With no one to control their sexual urges, they dash into the streets anytime a gun is fired in the air wildly, hoping to pork a guy with improved street credit. Guys have pretty much always been mansults so most unicorns just ignore them. With no virgins left in the world, no one is available to attend their tea parties. Besides, no one drinks tea anymore, it’s Associate Professor Lightning or go pork yourself.

This cultural twist has forced the unicorn’s hoof. If a unicorn finds a virgin that isn’t a World of Warcraft addict, every unicorn within twenty miles makes sure the virgin stays that way. Unicorns stand outside the virgin’s window all night, lighting their room with their glowing horn, so they can watch terrified virgins pretend to sleep. If the unicorn isn’t at the window, it means it’s patrolling the perimeter to keep the likes of the Tooth Fairy from sneaking them a hand job. It may not totally destroy virginity, but it’s close enough to make a unicorn beat you around because he finds you unattractive and fat. Saturday mornings are the worst; the heads of Jehovah’s Witnesses are the dead birds of the unicorn world. It’s no wonder the witnesses always go door-to-door recruiting, unicorns are always hunting them down as gifts. Whatever happened to giving Final Fantasy gift baskets? Everyone knows the virgins can’t get enough of final fantasy.

No more, I’m here to make sure that only enough virgins are harassed by unicorns to keep my services necessary. No longer will more than a dozen virgins in the area lose their internet connection because their coaxial cables have been stomped apart. With a mail-in tracking degree and a .45 modified to fire plasma rounds I call Napoleon, I assassinate anything with four legs, one horn, and a lust for hymen, assuming you can pay.

Regrettably, your typical virgin won’t or can’t ask for help, that’s why it is up to you to split the bill. The female virgin is usually corrupted by unicorns because parents refuse to buy their little girls ponies. The male virgin goes for so much on the white market these days; it’s unlikely they’ll admit it for fear of being sold to some cult or teacher’s union. So whether your partner is “saving themselves” for marriage and refuses to touch you or your daughter is turning three and you want to make the last few weeks of her innocence peaceful, it is up to you to find out if my services are necessary. Even if the virgin doesn’t belong to you and just happens to live next door, you owe it to that jerk. They’ll never know the feeling of love!

The biggest problem with hunting unicorns is only virgins can see them. Since you’re considering hiring a stranger with a plasma gun to protect someone’s virginity, I doubt you can see them. So you’ll have to look for signs or hire my services to determine if a unicorn is present, but my services are really expensive and I doubt you love your virgin that much, so scout the areas outside your virgin’s window. Unicorn droppings look like vanilla swirl ice-cream with sprinkles. They taste a little more like strawberry though. If you find these droppings one of two things are happening, a unicorn has an uncontrollable lust to be ridden by your resident virgin or the ice cream man is going to eviscerate and hump someone’s organs. The latter may or may not directly affect the local virgin since ice-cream men target innocence in general. Such innocence includes: well respected coaches who never seem to give up on a team regardless of the odds, women who can’t seem to pull themselves away from the homeless shelters, or kids who can’t end their sentence without saying something adorable. Large breasted women count as well. The larger the breast, the more “innocent” she becomes. Occasionally “moobs” or man-boobs are considered, but often the ice cream men murder moobers out of hate instead of love. In the event of ice cream men, simply put up some road spikes at both ends of the street connecting to your driveway and thereby prevent said psychopath from reaching you. Ice cream men are notoriously lazy; why else do they have to “drive” a truck to sell ice cream. Also, the natural enemy of the ice cream man is the orangutan. Given the ice cream man can’t do anything if his white suit gets dirty and the orangutan’s fondness for throwing poo, the two will fight for eternity. Therefore, putting a banana tree in your front yard will also help keep you safe from ice cream men.

Severed heads on the porch and decapitated bodies wearing suits discarded in the driveway is also a pretty clear sign of unicorns. This is often occupied by restful Saturday mornings.

Small, wooden, horn crafted sculptures either chiseled or burned with lasers in the likeness of a local virgin are the most obvious signs. Often these sculptures are overly flattering and involve long gowns or fantasy style armor. If female, the wooden image will often involve bulging, exposed breasts in chainmail or leather. With men, plate mail is generally the norm. However, French unicorns may put virgins in weird fencing outfits. Japanese unicorns… just run. You’ll understand if you see the sculpture. The other possibility is an art major living in your closet. This is pretty unlikely because your typical art major is too lazy to sculpt anything and prefers a video camera and YouTube. But just in case, empty your fridge and leave the house for a few days. Art majors never buy their own food so if they don’t leave, they’ll starve to death. Art majors are also known for never bathing, if you smell something funky coming from the closet, you may have an art major on your hands or the location of your lost kitten.

Should you be the target of an invisible pink unicorn, your problems are a little more difficult. Even virgins can’t see their pinkness, but they present all of the normal signs of a normal unicorn. However, their dislike for religion is pretty strong and they tend to hate icons glorifying religion. So if you leave a sacrifice out for Zeus and wake up in the morning to find it resurrected, you may have an IPU. The unicorn’s love for science is so strong, they’d rather play god than allow you to gain his favor. There isn’t much you can do about an invisible pink unicorn; they’re really just an intolerant menace. Like the Nazi scouts selling Aryan gingerbread cookies at the mall or Fox News. The best you can do is leave raisin bread out as an offering of peace, because atheists can’t get enough of the stuff. Don’t bother poisoning the bread, unicorns are immune to poison

If you find you do need my services, my fee is 8 elf tears up front. Two elf tears an hour plus expenses until I get the job done.