Vampires are class acts. A lot of people are all about zombies, but those people are total douchebags that couldn’t figure out how to entertain their mother. People like that are called Zombie material.

Let’s look at how a vampire comes over to kill you. They’re considerate and call ahead to make plans to meet with you, otherwise you end up all over town just missing each other. If you really want, they can do it while you are sleeping, which requires no effort or running on your part. You just don't wake up one morning. Zombies just get several thousand other zombies and storm your house. Even if you lock the doors and pretend not to be home, the zombies will just stand outside waiting for you to come back. They could be there for weeks, ruining your grass. If you’re trying to do something else, you have to outrun the zombies forever, because they never get bored of doing the same thing, over and over again.

Second, vampires have fashion sense. Whether they are large breasted women in a skimpy leather outfit or large breasted women in whatever vampirella wears, they’re always class acts.

A zombie, you’ll be lucky if they get dressed before they die. Their outfits are always beat up, covered in human bio fluid, and zombie rot. When were they killed, while riding the bus? Also, why does it look like zombies have never used makeup or a facial cleanser.

A vampire is even neat when it eats you. At worst, they get a bit of blood on their chin. Zombies get intestines all over the place, intestines full of poop! The zombies don’t even wash off the intestines first, they don’t care about eating poop. Imagine what their breath smells like?! A vampire also brushes their teeth, they have to think about their fangs after all. A vampire can keep their teeth pearly white for a 1000 years, even when they were born in the old black n' white days. That is something a human can barely do, even with mouthwash. Have you ever seen a zombie brush? Of course not, they don’t care about hygiene, they’re total savages!

Even in housing, vampires are better. They live in castles or well decorated condos if they’re in the city. They even provide their own coffin, on account of being dead. A zombie lives on the street. That’s right, they’re homeless. Occasionally, they’re locked in the basement because their parents are sick of seeing them. Zombies are bums, they refuse to get real jobs and are always bothering people on the street for brain handouts. Go to college and get your own brains! Even worse, if you buy a zombie a coffin, the assholes will break it.

Both creatures depend largely on bites. Zombie bites are super gory, pulling away tendons and ripping the area apart. Since zombies usually don’t feed alone, they’ll rip pieces off your body with their hands just so they have something else to eat when they shallow. A vampire leaves two holes in your skin, anywhere lots of blood flows. You can cover that with a bandaid. Come on!

Most important of all, the babes. Vampire babes are always having sex with someone. I don’t think I’ve seen a vampire movie with a babe that didn’t get naked. Zombie babes… not really that hot. Sure, there is always one in a movie wandering around naked but she generally doesn’t care about sex. She's just like every other zombie, trying to get some flesh in her mouth. And the zombies that do have sex are freakin’ creepy. Like, Japanese tentacle creepy. Well, pretty much anything from Japan involving sex is creepy. When a zombie does have sex, we just don’t want to know about it. Parts are always falling off in other parties, you can never tell if the moan is one of pleasure of just general zombie stateness. And you know what, they’re selfish lovers. I said it! You’d think with inexhaustible endurance they’d get the job done, but they just don’t care about your emotions.

I think the conclusion is pretty clear, vampires are way better than zombies.

Vampirella Image courtesy of Harris Comics, all rights reserved.