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George Washington: Father of a Nation

In 1770, George Washington and Britain lay in bed together, having just recently conceived the United State.

Shortly after the birth of America, Washington would leave Britain and would demand custody. Britain would have nothing of it and the revolutionary war started. During this time, George Washington killed thousands of British men with his wooden teeth alone.

As Washington soaked the British soldier’s jackets in their own blood (the origin of the term redcoat), America lived with Uncle Benedict Arnold. America came to rely on Arnold as a father, but the one you could ask to go out when you knew mom would say no. Eventually Washington felt America was getting too attached and decided to discontinue services with Arnold. An irate Arnold joined Britain’s hopeless campaign and was later mauled to death by Washington’s horse.

Rumor has it Washington gave baby America Arnold’s bloody wig.

Near the end of the war, as Washington looked upon a mass grave of his victims, he realized the world probably couldn’t handle many more revolutions and created social workers. Their role was to stop people like Washington from slaughtering the world, but he made sure they never really had the power to stop him and to this day, a social worker still can’t get a baby from their blood thirsty, homicidal father.

Before Washington was punching cannon balls out of the sky, he was a baby. Many historians contest this, claiming he was in fact a cherry tree and therefore a sapling. Those historians are communists.

Washington learned to crawl by 4 weeks old and was running by day 3. Yea, he learned to run before he could crawl. Washington had chomped down his first cherry tree by two months. In those days, Cherry trees were considered witches and were hunted relentlessly.

By the time Washington was 5; he was a renowned cherry tree hunter and had built a set of teeth out of the bark of the fallen. Washington, not being one to let his trophy go to waste, punched out his own teeth so he could wear the trophy.

Around 10 George had enslaved all of Africa and most of Holland and had all the slaves act like dolls for America who was known for getting too rough and popping the heads off. George quickly bored of child rising and left to explore the wild west. Bands of noble savages were introduced to culture so hard, many turned gay and created San Francisco. Thus explaining the homosexual need for anal, they’re actually pulling out the culture left in there years ago by George Washington.

During this time, George tamed Paul Bunyan’s big blue ox and taught Paul to be a lumber jack. Allowing Paul to quit his old job as a security guard, watching over gold and other stupid crap in a floating castle. George even met Johnny Apple Seed and kicked his ass, forcing him to stop being such a stupid hippie and making him get a real job. John stopped going by Johnny and went by his official name, J.P. Morgan.

George Washington died at the age of 84, after chocking on a cherry. Was he killing the young of his hated enemy or was he MURDERED?