The Last Man on Earth
I Wish you Weren’t the Last Man on Earth
By MaximumTacolord
Dec 26, 2010
I’ll admit I’ve told men I wouldn’t so much as give them the time of day if they were the last man on earth. I’ve even told this lesbian not even if there were no men left on earth. But now that I’m actually with the last man on earth, I feel like I’ve been a little too hard on people who were too ugly, drunk, or homeless to raise my libido.
When I look outside towards the hordes of zombies pawing helplessly at the fence, I think about your STDs and how it’s turned your penis into a disgusting reminder we’ll probably die in a warehouse and the best sex I can get is from a guy who can’t make eye contact during.
Were you crying last time? Seriously? What the hell!?
You’d think sex would be the last thing on my mind, but in a world without portable media, good food, or even a house cat what else are we supposed to do? I can’t believe I’m envious of crazy cat ladies. Seriously, I’d cut off my arm to live with 50 cats right now!
Maybe if you’d freakin’ shut up I could tolerate your company more. Seriously, the president has been dead for seven months, there isn’t a liberal party anymore. There isn’t even a liberal! The world couldn’t be anymore conservative! We’re both pro-life from being terrified of death and don’t want to give handouts to zombies.
I can’t stand the thought of trying to rebuild society with you. You really want to build a statue of your mother spanking a zombified Chuck Norris and put it in the center of our new utopian, zombie-free town? News flash, the internet is gone, so Chuck Norris isn’t cool anymore. Does he even do movies still? Even Steven Segal still does movies, well, before his fat ass got eaten.
It’s still a lot to take in, the internet being gone. I know I’ve seen most of my family killed before my eyes by undead versions of those closest to me, but I still wake up at night in a cold sweat wondering if my inbox is filled with spam. Think about it, somewhere out there, there are spambots still sending Viagra ads. All that’s left of humanity are phishing scams and us.
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